


The Devil Inside

by sparkinside



Series: Choices [1]
Category: AFI
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-01
Updated: 2015-01-01
Packaged: 2018-03-04 16:36:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 50,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3074558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkinside/pseuds/sparkinside
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Faith and fear are two of the strongest forces in our lives. Adam had never questioned himself or his beliefs. But what happens when he stumbles across his greatest temptation in the eyes of another man? Written with Havoksangel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Nothing in this piece ever happened. I claim no ownership nor do I make any sort of profit from this, other than pride and a sense of amusement.

Stretching his arms above his head, Adam Carson swung his legs over the edge of the bed. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes, trying to work up the energy to push himself out of bed. Adam had managed a few hours of sleep the night before, thought not much. Staying up until all hours of the night in his make shift art studio probably wasn't the smartest thing he'd done lately, but inspiration had hit him and he'd be damned if he turned that away.

The stirring in the bed slowly woke Aubrey from her sleep. She turned her body over to see the back of her fiance sitting on the side of the bed. She smiled softly and slid her hand up his bare back. "It's time for you to go already?" She asked, her voice scratchy from sleep. 

Adam nodded, a yawn spilling from his lips. "I've got to get to the studio early. We've got a model coming in for class today. Believe me, I'd still be curled up beside you if I had the choice," he whispered. 

Aubrey leaned up and kissed the back of his shoulder, her hands wrapping around him. "I hate it when you go. The bed gets cold and I lose my warmth." 

Letting loose a soft sigh, Adam leaned back into her embrace. "I hate leaving too. Believe me if I could teach class from bed I would. But I don't know how well that would go over with the administration," he joked with a smile. 

He hated Monday mornings. Hated having to wake up and leave their warm bed. But he couldn't afford not to work and art was his life. Teaching students that love and that passion was his calling. He wouldn't give that up for the world. He couldn't.

"What kind of portrait are they painting?" She asked laying back down, still rubbing her hand up his back.

"Nude portraits. Trying to capture the natural beauty of the human body," Adam answered honestly. 

"Is it a male model or do I have to get jealous?" she teased him, a warm smile spreading across her face.

"It's a male model, yes. And even if it wasn't, you know no one could ever compare to you in my eyes." He turned back once again, tapping her lightly on the nose with his pointer finger, "You've got nothing to worry your pretty head about," he teased back.

She smiled at him, loving his playfulness. "You felt good last night." 

Adam returned her smile, leaning in to kiss her lightly on the lips. "So did you," he whispered against her lips before pulling back. 

Again she smiled. "I saw our preacher the other day. He said he wanted to see you in church on Sunday." 

Sighing, Adam pulled back from her embrace, "Sweetie. I just...I don't know. I love that you're so involved in the church, but I just...I don't know if it's really my place."

"He's gonna marry us, Adam The least you can do is come to a sermon every once in a while," she sighed, leaning back farther into her pillow. 

"I know he's going to marry us, Aubrey. I just...Maybe next Sunday," he reasoned, running his fingers through his hair and sighing once again. 

She sighed again. "You don’t have to. I just thought it would be nice." She turned her eyes down and then closed them. Just once it would be nice for him to interact in something she was passionate about. She went to all his art shows. 

Adam pushed himself from the bed, grabbing his shirt from the back of the chair nearest the bed. "I will go, Aubrey. I promise you."

"And you will be miserable. Forget I asked, Adam. It's fine. Really." But her tone was far less convincing tha her words.

Sighing, Adam turned back to the bed, settling down beside Aubrey. Gently, he brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. "No it's not fine. And I will go, I promise you. Just give me a little time."  
Aubrey nodded and leaned over to kiss him, not believing for one second he would actually go. 

"You don't believe me do you?" His voice was low and even. Adam hated hurting her like this. Church was a large part of her life, he knew that, he accepted it. It just wasn't a part of his life anymore. 

She shook her head.

"I will, babe. I promise you. " Aubrey wanted this, and he could never deny her anything. 

"Okay," she said softly, smiling. "Now, get your butt to work." She offered him a big smile and batted her eyelashes. 

Adam smiled, "Pushy, pushy," he teased, shaking his head. Leaning in for one more chaste kiss, he pulled himself from the bed and padded towards the bathroom.

Aubrey smiled and got out of bed, putting her robe on and making her way downstairs to put on a pot of coffee

Stripping off his boxers, Adam walked towards the shower, pulling the curtain open. Turning the nobs, he adjusted the water temperature and waited for it to warm up. With a sigh, he stepped under the hot spray. He lazily washed himself, knowing he still had plenty of time to make it to the college in time. 

 

Aubrey poured his coffee once the pot had finished brewing, making it just the way he liked it, black with two sugars. Humming to herself, she made his lunch, ham and cheese on white, and packed it in his bag.

Shutting the water off, Adam reached for a towel, wrapping it around his waist. Silently, he padded into the bedroom, grabbing a clean pair or boxers from the top dresser drawer and pulling them on under the towel. 

Aubrey could hear him moving around in the bedroom overhead and she knew that he would be rushing when he came down. 

Pulling on his pants and his blue button up shirt, Adam plopped himself on the bed, yanking his socks on his feet, followed quickly by his shoes. A quick glance at the clock told him he had a half hour to make it to the college. The ride was a good 25 minutes when traffic wasn't too heavy. He was certainly cutting it close. _So much for getting there early_ , he thought with a chuckle.

Taking the stairs two at a time, Adam made his way into the kitchen, smiling at Aubrey. Grabbing his bag and his mug of coffee, Adam leaned in to kiss Aubrey goodbye. "I should be home by 3 at the latest," he reassured her.

She kissed him back. "Okay."

"Take care of yourself," he whispered, heading towards the door. "I'll see you this afternoon."

"I love you."

"Love you too," he echoed, pulling the door closed behind him. 

Quickly, he made his way to the black Jeep sitting the in driveway, unlocking the driver's side door. Tossing his bag onto the passenger seat, Adam climbed in. Pulling the door shut, he started the Jeep, backing out of the driveway quickly.

Thankfully, traffic was light that morning and he managed to pull into the parking lot with four minutes to spare. Grabbing his bag and clutching his coffee mug tightly, Adam made his way into the art wing, preparing to begin his day.

The students filed into the seats and, soon after Adam walked in, the male model did. His hair was pulled back into a ponytail and his body was covered with tight black jeans and a black t-shirt. "I'm looking for Adam Carson." 

Adam smiled, turning to face the man before him. The dark eyes that bore into his startled Adam slightly. There was something in them, something he couldn't quite but his finger on. Smiling softly, he extended his hand, "I'm Adam Carson." 

 

The man smiled back, his eyes crinkling at the sides. "David Marchand. Davey." He took his hand and shook it

Davey's grip was strong, firm, confident. It fit perfectly with his demeanor. "Welcome to Art 236. The bathroom's on your left and there should be a robe on the hook near the door."

Davey nodded and smiled. "How many days do you think this will be?"

Something about Davey's smile caught Adam off guard. As did the spark of something he couldn't quite identify in his eyes. "Two days. Three at the most. Shouldn't be more than that."

Davey smirked. "Great. I'll be back."

Nodding, Adam watched the other man walk from the room before turning his attention back to his class. 

Davey quickly walked to the bathroom and stripped down to nothing, studying himself in the mirror for a moment before taking his hair down and shaking it loose. He smiled at his reflection and slipped the robe on, closing it, and walked back into the classroom.

"Where do you want me?"

Adam turned to face Davey, taken by the way his hair framed his angled face. Stunning. Davey was stunning. Adam was struck with the strong urge to sketch the man before him. To capture the guarded depths of his eyes, the sharp angles of his face. Shaking himself mentally, Adam smiled and pointed to the table in the center of the room. "Right there."

"You want the robe off now?" 

Adam nodded silently, trying to shake the desire to see more of this man from his head. It was the artist in him. That had to be it. "Gotta lose it sometime," he joked. Turning back towards his class, he smiled, "Alright. You guys have two hours. Take your time, and have fun."

Davey smiled at Adam and slowly undid the belt and slid the white cloth over his shoulders. He walked over to the table and sat down, leaning back on his arms with is head back.

Adam swallowed thickly, settling himself behind his desk. Blindly, he dug through his bag, pulling out his sketch book. and a stick of charcoal. Slowly, carefully, he sketched the sharp angles and smooth lines of Davey's body.

Davey took a deep breath, his chest raising and lowering slowly. He licked his top lip and quickly brought his tongue back in his mouth. He loved the feeling of eyes on him. Loved the feeling of being admired. 

 

Every move he made, every subtle expression, fascinated Adam. He'd always loved sketching people, lord knows he had hundreds of sketches of Aubrey in his studio. He’d spend hours on his free days sitting in the local coffee shop sketching the people around him. It was his passion. Fiercely, he brought charcoal to paper. Sketching, blending, bringing Davey's image to life on paper. Davey stayed perfectly still, keeping his breath even and soft. He was the perfect image to draw; muscular but not to much and confident.

Adam's hands were smudged and blackened by the time he finished his sketch. His eyes floated slowly between his drawing and Davey's nude form. Perfect. Shaking himself from his thoughts, Adam glanced up at the clock. "Okay guys, we're actually went a bit over our time. Sorry about that." Adam sighed softly. What had gotten into him?

The students packed their things up and headed out of the classroom as Davey slid slowly off the table. He looked at Adam, grinning as he grabbed his robe. "Did you draw too?"

Closing his sketch book quickly, Adam nodded, eyes locking with Davey's. 

"Can I see?" He slid the robe on and walked over to him. 

Adam hesitated slightly, before handing his book to Davey. "If you want." 

"Why so nervous?

"I'm not much on sharing my work, "Adam told him, feeling rather foolish all the sudden. 

"Oh," Davey said. "You don’t have to show me. However, I figured since it was my body you were drawing I had partial ownership." 

A soft chuckle fell from Adam's lips, "True. You can look if you want. You already have the book in your hand."

Davey smirked and looked down. "Impressive. You have talented hands," he purred.

Adam blushed, "Thanks. I draw what I see. You're a wonderful subject. "

"Ha, he blushes too," Davey chuckled, pinching Adam’s cheek playfully. "You can draw and turn red. What else can you do, Mr. Carson?"

The warmth of Davey's hand caused Adam to jump slightly. He'd never felt so unsettled. "I um...I mess around with sculpture when I can. Painting too, thought its not really my strong suit."

"So do you get messy when you paint?" Davey asked, leaning against Adam's desk, crinkling his nose playfully. 

Adam stiffened slightly, smiling softly at Davey. "Yes. It kind of can't be helped." 

 

Davey sat the book on the desk and took Adam's hand in his, running his fingers over it slowly. His eyes locked with the blue ones in front of him and he shook his hair of his face. "You're hands are soft considering you say you dabble in sculpting."

Pulling his hand back from Davey's grasp, Adam sat up straighter in his chair. "What are you doing?"

"I wanted to know if your hands were rough or soft. You're an artist. It fascinates me." He smirked. "Do I make you nervous?"

"No," Adam told him, his voice soft. Uncertain. 

"You sure?" He smirked.

Adam nodded, not quite trusting his voice.

Davey leaned forward. "Well as long as you're sure," he whispered.

"Is there anything else you need me to do for you?" Adam asked, his voice trembling slightly.

Davey raised his eyebrow and gave a tiny smile. "Well, I hardly know you, but maybe tomorrow." 

The words took him back slightly. He was hitting on him. Panic flooded through Adam. Davey was hitting on him. "I...I'm engaged," he whispered, hoping Davey would take the hint and back off. This whole situation greatly unsettled Adam.

"Lucky girl?" 

Adam nodded.

"Just checking. I guess art always makes your cock hard then," he said looking down. Davey smirked and walked towards the bathroom to change.

Adam's breath came in sharp pants. Confusion and fear coursing through him. His eyes followed Davey's retreating form. _No_. Slamming his eyes shut, Adam willed Aubrey's face to mind.

Davey quickly dressed and made his way back out. He left his hair down and opened the door, the robe folded in his hand. "Here you go. I guess I will see you tomorrow." 

Taking the robe from Davey's hands, Adam nodded, smiling weakly. His mind swarmed with thought. He needed to pull himself together. Only one more class left. He could do this. 

"You okay? You look flushed." Davey couldn’t help but tease him. There was something rather enjoyable about making a man squirm. 

 

"I..I'm fine," Adam whispered. He smiled, wishing Davey would just leave, though a part of him secretly wished he would stay.

Davey nodded. "Okay then," he said reaching up and using his thumb to wipe the smudge of black from Adam's cheek. 

Adam shivered softly under Davey's touch. He couldn't think on it. Not now. Pulling back, Adam turned his attention to the papers lining his desk

Davey smiled. "See you tomorrow," he said with a wink as he turned to walk out of the door

Running a shaky hand through his hair, Adam released the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. This wasn't happening. Forcing the thought from his mind, Adam focused on his bag, pulling his lesson plan for his next class out. Art History. He could handle this. He had to handle this.


	2. Chapter Two

With shaky hands, Adam pulled out of the campus parking lot onto the main road. How he managed to make it through his last class he still couldn't fathom. All he wanted now was to make it home, lock himself in his studio and lose himself in his work. He pulled into the driveway, unsure of just how he'd gotten there. Grabbing his bag, he slowly made his way into the house.

Aubrey had set up candles and soft music in the living room. She felt bad for trying to force Adam into church and she thought this to be the best way to make it up to him. When she heard him pull into the driveway, she positioned herself at the hall entrance, leaning against the wall in a silk carnation gown.

Adam dropped his bag in the kitchen, loosening the top buttons of his shirt. His mind raced, his hands raking through his hair. He needed to get his mind off of this, bury himself in his work. Something. The warm soft wall that he collided with as he neared the hallway shook Adam from his thoughts. Startled, he jumped backwards, his eyes falling on Aubrey

"Hi," she said with a smile, sliding her delicate hands over his chest.

Pulling back from her touch, Adam moved to go around her. He couldn't handle this now. Not with the way his mind was racing. She didn't need this. He didn't need this. 

She paused for a minute and turned to look at him. "Adam?" Her voice was soft, questioning and hurt. 

"Not now, Aubrey."

Tears sprang to her eyes and she stared at him as he went down the hallway. She turned and looked around the room and one by one walked around to blow out the candles. Her lip quivered as she tried to hold in tears, but it did no good. She laid down on the couch and curled up, sobbing silently. He'd never been so short with her.

Adam made his way to the bedroom, unbuttoning his shirt and tossing it on the bed behind him. Kicking out of his pants, he made his way to the closet pulling the tattered and stained jeans from their hanger. Adam pulled them on quickly, grabbing a white t shirt from his drawer. Yanking it over his head, Adam made his way back downstairs and towards the back of the house. 

Aubrey opened her eyes from the couch and watched him walk towards his studio. She didn’t know what she'd done. She thought about going to get him but changed her mind. She pulled herself from the couch, still crying, and went up to the bedroom and took off the gown, replacing it with a nightshirt and shorts. 

She walked to the bathroom and took of the little bit of make up she had and pulled up her auburn hair into a ponytail. All she wanted to do was crawl into bed and shut out the world. She hated it when he was mad at her. 

 

Aubrey was asleep within the hour. Crying wiped her out and she wasn’t sure when Adam was going to bring himself out of his hole. She curled around his pillow and held on for dear life.

Pushing the door to the studio open, Adam sighed. He was safe here. He could lose himself here. Latching the door behind him, Adam made his way towards the small work table towards the back of the room. Settling himself in his worn and tattered chair, Adam grabbed the sketch pad he kept on the desk and took a deep breath. Clearing his mind, he put pencil to paper and just drew.

Adam’s eyes feel upon the sketch sitting before him, his breath hitching. Oh god. Dark hair and impossibly darker eyes stared back at him from the page. A shiver ran through him. Why wouldn't Davey leave him alone? 

Closing his eyes, Adam tried to clear his mind. But it was of little use. The sharp, angle of Davey's jaw and the soft, smooth curve of his ass flashed behind Adam's eyes. Swallowing thickly, Adam felt his heart racing and his pants tightening. _No_ , Adam pleaded with himself, shoving the sketch away from him. _No_.

Adam took a deep breath, his hand snaking through his hair, shaking slightly. This wasn't happening. Not to him. He loved Aubrey. He was going to marry Aubrey. This wasn't happening. His eyes slipped closed once again, cursing aloud as Davey's body, his eyes, danced in his mind. 

Sighing, Adam could feel Davey's breath on his skin. Hear his voice in his mind. Davey was slowly driving him mad. Despite himself, he could feel his cock throbbing. _No_ , he hissed. Please no. But his body paid his pleading little mind, urging his hand towards the zipper of his jeans. He was so hard, he needed relief. He needed something. This was wrong. This whole thing was wrong. 

Aubrey tossed and turned and her racing mind forced her awake. Adam still wasn’t in bed but maybe if she went down to talk to him he would listen.

Guilt wracked his mind as his fingers loosened the fastening of his jeans. Taking a deep breath, he slowly slipped his hand inside his boxers, wrapping it around his hard, now aching cock. "Fuck," he breathed, biting his bottom lip. His strokes were slow, teasing. Soft whimpers and breathy moans fell from his lips. 

Once again, his eyes slipped closed, images of Davey flooding his mind. He stroked himself faster needing relief, he was so close. Sighing, Adam tossed his head back, his fingers tracing along the head of his cock before sliding back down and stroking himself even faster. Pleasure rippled through him, his teeth sinking into his lip as he pulsed helplessly over his hand. 

Aubrey walked downstairs and knocked on the door. "Adam?" 

 

Aubrey's voice startled him. His chest heaved and he swallowed thickly, guilt flooding his thoughts once more. Oh God, what had he done? Panicking slightly, Adam tried desperately to clean his hand with the paper towels he kept on the desk. "Ye yes?" he called back, praying his voice didn't give him away.

"I'm sorry. Whatever I did to make you mad at me, I didn’t mean to."She sniffled.

"You didn't do anything, Aubrey," he reassured her, his guilt increasing ten fold. What had he done? What the hell had he done?

"But... you... I wanted things to be special when you got home and you..." She broke off, unable to finish her sentence. 

"I just...I had a rough day. I needed to clear my head. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he whispered. How could he have done this? Think such things about another person? And a man at that? He had Aubrey who loved him more than life itself. Whom he loved just as much. God, how could he have done this?

"Will you come out?"

Fixing himself and zipping up his pants, Adam took a deep breath and walked towards the door. Running his fingers through his hair, he unlatched the door, slowly pulling it open., taken back by the pain he saw in Aubrey's eyes.

Tears still laced her eyes, and they were red and puffy from crying. She bit her bottom lip, not willing to touch him first this time. 

Aubrey's tear stained face tugged at his heart. How could he have done this to the woman he loved? Slowly, hesitantly, Adam reached out to her, brushing his fingers against her arm. How was he going to fix this? How was he going to fix himself?

Taking this as the okay, she curled into him. "I love you." 

"I know. I love you too," he echoed, feeling his chest tighten with fear and guilt. No, what happened was a mistake. It wouldn't happen again. He loved Aubrey. He wanted Aubrey. 

\--- 

Davey walked into the classroom the next morning, a bit of makeup on his eyes figuring that it didn’t matter since his head was back anyway for the pose. He immediately headed into the bathroom to slip into the robe and let his hair down. When he came out, he walked up behind Adam. "Boo." 

Adam jumped, Davey's voice startling him back into reality. God, why did he have to be here? Why did he agree to add this unit into the class? What had he been thinking? Calming himself, Adam forced a smile, feeling his heart flutter as his eyes locked with Davey's dark ones. "Morning."

"You look tired." 

Adam nodded, "Not a lot of sleep." He busied himself with the papers on his desk. His students would arrive within ten to fifteen minutes. he could do this. He had to do this.

Davey sat down on his desk and looked down. "Bothered by something?"

"Why would you think that?" Adam questioned, hoping his voice remained even. This man didn't matter to him. He couldn't matter. He loved Aubrey. She loved him. That was all that mattered. Nothing else.

"Oh, I don’t know. Not sleeping usually means you are troubled. Could be something as simple as sexual frustration." Davey's voice was deep and even.

"That is none of your business, Mr. Marchand," Adam answered cooly, Davey's baiting not helping his resolve. 

"I didn’t ask if you were. I was stating a fact," Davey said. He leaned down and whispered in his ear. "Don’t worry. I don’t plan on molesting you." 

Adam pulled back, "I wouldn't want you to even if you planned on it," he shot back, his words clipped and cold.

He lifted his foot to Adam's chair, sliding his bare foot between Adam’s thighs and rubbing against him. "Bullshit," he whispered.

"I'd rather you not do that, David." Adam had never been this cold with anyone, but if it got this man away. If it got him out of this situation, he didn't care.

Davey shrugged and moved his foot. With the grace of a cat, he slid off the desk and slipped the robe from his body. His hair brushed across his back, across the black angel wings. He took his place as the students came in, cutting his eyes at Adam once before tossing his head back. 

Adam watched Davey slink towards the table, settling himself on it. Doing his best and failing miserably, he noted Adam focused his attention on his students who were slowly filing into the room. "Alright. You guys know the drill. We've got two hours. Make the most of them and let's see if we can wrap this up today, alright?" A chorus of mumbles followed his question. Nodding, Adam grabbed his bag and headed towards the door. "I'll be back in twenty minutes, don't do another stupid while I'm gone."

Davey smiled softly to himself as Adam walked out.

 

Closing the door behind him, Adam hurried to the court yard, pulling a crinkled pack of cigarettes from his bag. He'd been trying to quit, knowing that Aubrey hated his smoking, but he needed something to calm his nerves. Fishing a lighter from his bag, Adam placed the cigarette between his lips, lit it, then took a long drag, feeling the nicotine rushing through his system. Sighing, he exhaled. He needed to relax.

Davey and the rest of the class waited patiently for Adam's return. It hadn’t take them long to finish their sketches, most had and left before Adam got back.

Adam walked slowly back into the room, noting that only a few students remained. Davey still remained perched on the table. The perfect symbol of temptation. Adam shook his head. No, he wouldn't think like that. He couldn't think like that.

The final student finished and packed his bag, leaving the classroom. He waved goodbye to Adam and Davey opened his eyes and turned to look at him. 

"Well that'll be it. Thank you for helping the class out," Adam began curtly. Davey would be out of his hair shortly and everything could go back to the way that it was. The way it was supposed to be. Adam sighed inwardly, then why did he feel so torn?

Davey slid off the table and picked up the robe. "I had a good time. Its always fun to be artsy," he said with a smile. He looked at Adam, the robe brushing over his cock piercing sending shockwave through him and causing his cock to jump once. 

Swallowing thickly, Adam averted his eyes back to his desk, dropping his bag on the seat. _He's almost gone, he told himself. Just don't think. You don't want that. You don't want him. It's wrong, immoral and a sin. You don't want it_.

Davey walked over to him and closed the robe. "I do make you nervous, don't I?" There was amusement in his voice.

"No," Adam answered, defiantly. "I'm perfectly fine, if you must know."

"I would be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to you," he admitted. He stepped in a little closer to Adam. "Ever wonder what it would be like to kiss a man?" He wasn’t that far from Adam now, close enough to have his strawberry shampoo filling Adam's senses. 

"No, " Adam started. "The thought disgusts me." _Liar!_ his mind screamed. _Dirty, filthy liar_!

Davey smiled and licked his lips. "You sure?" 

"Yes." He refused to allow his eyes to fall to Davey's lips. No, he didn't want this. Not from Davey. Not from any man. 

Davey leaned in and kissed Adam's cheek. "That's a shame," he whispered. 

Adam shivered slightly under the warmth of Davey's lips. No, he wouldn't do this. He wouldn't. Pulling back, Adam glared at Davey. "Find someone else to toss yourself at. I'm not interested."

"That's why you shiver when I touch you, right?" He said, ghosting his mouth over Adam's. He really liked toying with him. This was a challenge.

Adam pulled himself back abruptly. The heat of Davey's body so close to his own stirred a reaction he wanted desperately to avoid. He had to get out of there.

"I'm right and you hate it. She wouldn’t have to know, Adam. You can settle your curiosity before you get married." 

"I'm. Not. Interested."

Davey rolled his eyes and pulled Adam to him, kissing him hard on the mouth. His hands sliding up to his face, holding him. 

Adam struggled against him, he was much stronger than he appeared to be. Davey’s lips felt warm and soft against his. Like Aubrey's. But the cool metal he felt told him that this most certainly wasn't his fiancee that he was kissing. 

Lightly, Davey licked Adam's top lip, begging him to open his mouth. Sighing into the kiss despite himself, Adam's lips parted. He felt Davey's tongue trace across his bottom lip before plunging into his mouth battling with his own tongue. Desire coursed through him. This felt divine. 

Davey whimpered and opened his mouth more. This had been a challenge but he didn’t expect it to feel so good. He slid his hands down to Adam's neck, holding him. God, he kissed so well. 

Violently, Adam forced Davey off of him, his chest heaving. Oh God, what had he done? He'd cheated on Aubrey. He cheated on her with a man. _Oh God. Oh God. Oh God_. Panic and guilt raced through him. 

Davey looked at him, shocked. He wasn’t sure what surprised him more, Adam's reaction or his. He did this kind of thing all the time, but kissing Adam... that was different. "What?"

Adam shook his head wordlessly, stumbling back towards his desk. He had to get out of there. He couldn't stay. He couldn't handle this. Blindly, he grabbed for his bag, trying desperately to calm the rapid beating of his heart and silence the guilt and anger floating through his mind. Oh God, what had he done?

"Adam?"

Not bothering to acknowledge Davey at all, Adam fled from the room, bag in tow. He had not further classes that afternoon, no responsibility and for that he was grateful. Flying down the hallway and out into the parking lot, Adam unlocked his car and tossed his bag and himself inside. Slamming the door shut, he leaned his head against the steering wheel. What had he done?


	3. Chapter Three

Adam’s throat burned and his head was spinning. Nothing made sense. He couldn't think, he couldn't move, he couldn't breathe. What had he done? What had he let Davey do? And he'd wanted it. WANTED it. This wasn't happening. No, not to him. It couldn't be. He refused to let it be. "It doesn't matter," he hissed, turning the key in the ignition and moving the car into gear. "It doesn't matter." He had to believe that.

Angrily, he switched on the radio, settling on the first station that grabbed his attention. Classic rock. The stuff he'd grown up loving. The kind of music his parents hated. It didn't matter now. Absently, he tapped his fingers along to the beat, losing himself in the song. He could do this. He could forget. It didn't matter. A kiss is just a kiss. He didn't provoke it. He didn't ask for it. It didn't matter. Davey was gone, out of his hair. Out of his life. It didn’t matter.

Signaling, he turned onto his street, his mind clearing as his eyes fell upon the small house he and Aubrey shared. It wasn't much, with his meager salary and her limited income they could barely afford to make ends meet. But this small house, with its tiny yard and blue shutters, was theirs and that was all that mattered. They'd chosen it, decorated it, made it their own. This was where he belonged. With Aubrey. That was all that mattered. 

Aubrey stood in the kitchen washing breakfast dishes and preparing to mess up new ones for dinner. Adam would be home any minute and with any hope he was in a better mood than he was last night. She didn’t know if she could handle him otherwise. 

The song faded out as he pulled into the driveway. Quickly shutting off the engine, Adam grabbed his bag from the backseat where he'd tossed it. Throwing it over his shoulder, he silently walked to the kitchen door. His latest sketch lay against the middle of the backseat, bent and torn. Forgotten. He didn't need it anymore.

Aubrey turned, hearing the telltale creak, and peaked around the kitchen door. "Hey."

A soft smile spread across Adam's face as he echoed her greeting. Dropping his bag on the kitchen table, he made his way behind her, arms snaking around her waist. "I'm sorry about yesterday," he murmured into her hair, placing a soft kiss to the back of her head.

She leaned back against him and smiled. "It’s okay. We all have our off days." 

"I shouldn't have taken it out on you." He sighed, eyes closing. Aubrey always fit so perfectly in his arms. She felt warm. Familiar. Safe. She was home and he refused to trade this for the world.

She shut the water off and turned to face him, lightly kissing his mouth. "What do you want for dinner?" 

A cheeky grin spread across his face. This is what he wanted. What he needed. "Food."

Lightly, she tapped him on the ass. "What kind?" 

 

Another grin, "Good food.

"Adam Carson!"

"What? You asked, I answered. You never said I had to be serious." He loved teasing her. Goading her on. He loved the spark it brought to her eyes. Even the way she planted her hands on her hips and put on the most intimidating face she had which was far from intimidating warmed his heart. She was perfect. And she was his.

She put her hands on her hips and looked away. "That's it. You starve," she said.

Adam pouted, his blue eyes locking on her, lip trembling. This never failed to bring Aubrey around, a fact Adam learned on their first date and one he made sure never to forget.

She covered her eyes. "No, don’t do that. That's cheating."

"Nope, it's called creative thinking." He paused, locking his arms around her waist, pulling her against him for a deep kiss. Her lips were warm. soft. The melted perfectly with his own. The way they always had. Smirking, he pulled back. "THAT is cheating."

"Kissing is always a good form of cheating," she said with a smile. "You wanna go out to eat?"

Her words sent a shiver of dread through him. Violently, he shoved it down. No, he wouldn't think on it. It didn't happen. It never happened. Swallowing thickly, he let his fingers wander through her hair. "Sure, whatever you want."

She grinned widely. "I'll go get my coat." 

Adam watched her disappear into the livingroom before shutting his eyes once again. Guilt seeped through him. Could she tell? Did she know what he'd let Davey do? _No! No Carson! Stop it! Stop it right now!_ Dragging his fingers through his hair, Adam fought to control himself. This didn't matter. It never happened. He had Aubrey. He had all he needed. Nothing and no one was going to change that. He wouldn't let it. He couldn't.

Aubrey returned with her coat a few moments later and she and Adam headed into town to a small, family-owned Italian restaurant and pizzeria they’d stumbled across when they first began dating. It had been so long since they had gone out anywhere and she was more than happy to not be cooking. Quickly they took a seat in the corner booth and they waited for the waitress.

Finding himself glancing over the menu half heartedly, Adam shut his eyes, trying desperately to forget. Why couldn't he make it go away? Sighing, he reached for the wine and spirits card in the center of the table. He needed something to clear his mind, something to help him relax. 

She looked at him. "Rough day?"

 

A sigh fell from his lips, "You could say that. Yeah." _I cheated on you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I’m sorry. I'm sorry_.

She lightly ran her hand down his cheek. "I'm sorry." The ding of the bell on the main door caught her attention, causing her to looked up. Her eyes studied the man standing in the doorway for a minute before turning back to Adam. The man was... pretty? Can a guy be pretty? 

The slight haze of confusion in Aubrey's eyes caught Adam's attention almost immediately. "Babe, what is it?" 

She looked past him again. "Is... is that a guy?"

Puzzled by her question, Adam turned in his seat, following Aubrey's gaze, his face paling slightly. _No, please God no_. 

Davey leaned across the counter of the pizzeria and smiled flirtatiously at the chef behind the counter. "Come on, fix me one of your best vegan pizza's. I can only get it from here. Please."  
The man smiled, used to Davey’s antics. "You really are a pain in my ass." 

"Oh you wish," Davey joked, turning his head to scan the place, his eyes locking on Adam's.

Adam froze, his eyes drawn to Davey's like a moth to a flame. This was wrong. He didn't need this. He shouldn’t want this. But he couldn't tear his eyes away. Davey grinned and waved.

Aubrey looked at Adam. "Do you know him, honey?" 

Panic raced through him. "Um..ah...He's...He modeled for one of my classes..." Adam finished lamely. _So much for cool and collected, Carson. You fucking idiot_.

Davey smirked and slowly walked over to their table. "Adam, long time no see," he said with a smile.

Adam nodded in reply, not trusting himself to speak. _Leave. Please just leave _. His eyes cut to Aubrey's, begging her to understand. To say something to get him to leave. Anything__

Davey turned to her. "You must be his better half," Davey said extending his hand to her.

Hesitantly, Aubrey extended her hand, sensing Adam's discomfort. Something wasn't right. "Aubrey. And you are?" Her tone was merely curious, her eyes darting back and forth between Davey and Adam. Something definitely wasn't right.

"Davey. It’s a pleasure to meet you. He talked about you all the time after class." He shook her hand and smiled before letting go and turning to Adam. "Thank you for everything these past two days. It was a pleasure to model for you and your class."

Adam nodded, wanting nothing more than to run as fast and as far away as he could. Swallowing thickly, he fought to find his voice, "You're welcome." 

"You have to let me come and see them when they are ready to be shown off," Davey insisted.

"That um..That will be up to them really...I could ask if they're up to it next class." Running his fingers through his hair, Adam smiled weakly at Davey before returning his attention to Aubrey. _Make him go away...Please _.__

Aubrey turned to Adam then Davey. "Would you like to sit and tell me about it. Adam doesn’t really let me in on much in the classroom."

Biting back a groan, Adam raised his eyes, locking on Aubrey's. _Please no_. 

Davey smiled. "Sure, but I can’t stay. I have a date." He sat down next to her and put his arm on the back of the booth behind her and looked at Adam, smiling.

"If you have a date, you probably shouldn't keep them waiting," Adam pointed out curtly. He ignored the confused stare Aubrey cast in his direction. Why wouldn't he leave? 

" _He's_ not coming for another hour. I have about fifteen minutes I can stay and chat," Davey pointed out, emphasizing the word ‘he’. Yes, this was really too much fun. 

Aubrey's eyes widened for a moment, her gaze cutting to Adam then quickly returning to the man beside her. "He?"

Davey smiled. "Yes." 

"Oh. I didn't think that...Well, that doesn't really matter now, does it?" she paused, smiling at Davey softly, feeling rather foolish for her reaction. "So, you modeled for Adam's class. How was it?" 

"It was fun. I've never been able to do something like that. Adam made me feel very comfortable," Davey said, looking directly at her, smiling. 

She smiled, eyes drifting towards Adam, "He's a great guy. I think I'll keep him." _Though I don't know why he's being such an ass_. 

"You drew me as well, right, Adam? How did that turn out?" He asked turning to look at him.

Adam froze, eyes wide. Why did he have to bring that up? He could feel Aubrey's eyes on him as well but he couldn't bring himself to meet her gaze. "Alright...Nothing to write home about," he finished, laughing nervously. He wanted to die.

 

Aubrey looked at Adam. Why was he so nervous? She reached across the table and took his hand, innocently. 

Davey smiled. "I'd like to see it, if you wouldn’t mind."

Jumping slightly at her touch, Adam smiled softly at Aubrey, before squeezing her hand in return. Aubrey's brow narrowed in confusion. Her eyes had a thousand questions. He never jumped when she touched him. Adam could sense her confusion and her uncertainty, his own eyes conveying his guilt. _I'm sorry_. "I um...I don't have my book with me right now...I don't even know if I kept the sketch to be honest."

Aubrey looked away, smiling at Davey. "I need to use the rest room. Do you mind moving?"  


Davey shook his head, standing. Aubrey slid out of the booth and made her way to the bathroom.

Adam watched her retreating form, guilt coursing through him. Steeling himself, he turned to face the man across from him. "What do you think you’re doing?" 

Davey smirked. "I am making friendly conversation with your lovely fiance. She's quite beautiful. I can see why you’re with her."

"I love her," Adam snapped, suddenly feeling as though he had to defend both himself and his relationship. Davey had him on edge. He hated it..

"I never said you didn’t," Davey replied with an arrogant coolness.

Adam shrunk back slightly, his eyes still dark. No, he refused to let Davey intimidate him. "The drawing," he started once more, "You've seen it. Why bring it up?" 

"Because it wasn’t quite finished. And besides, you got my mouth wrong and I figured you could correct it now," he said amused. 

"What are you getting at?"

"I do believe it was your mouth on mine earlier. Am I right?" He locked eyes with Adam and leaned across the table a bit. "And you loved it." 

"You don't know the first thing about me. Or about how I feel," Adam whispered, glaring. Why wouldn’t he just leave? Why couldn’t he understand?

"I know you were hard yesterday and I bet you’re hard right now just thinking about the my lips felt against yours," he said, his eyes darkening.

"You're an arrogant bastard, do you know that?" Adam snapped, his eyes narrowing all the more. "Don't flatter yourself. That meant nothing to me."

 

Davey leaned more across the table. "I don’t have to mean anything for you to want to fuck me and you do," he said, his breath hot on Adam's ear as he whispered, "I know you do." 

Adam's eyes darkened, suppressing his body's urge to shudder as Davey's hot breath glided across his ear, "I don't want you. Not now. Not ever."

Davey looked to make sure no one was looking and licked the shell of Adam's ear. "Bullshit," he hissed. 

Shivering involuntarily, Adam pulled back, his eyes stormy and hard, "Shouldn't you be meeting your date, David? Wouldn't want to keep the man waiting." His voice was cold, detached, cruel even.

Davey pulled back and grinned. He knew he had Adam, it was just a matter of getting him to give in. "I should. He's just not as much fun to play with." 

"Don't push me, David."

Davey slid out of the booth and smiled down at him. "You know where you can find me and I will be in sometime next week to see how the portraits turn out. Enjoy your date. Fuck her... you need to relieve some stress." 

"You arrogant bastard," Adam hissed, glaring at up Davey, "Why don't you just go and fuck your little date? You certainly play the part of whore so well."

Davey leaned against the table and licked his lips before taking the lip ring into his mouth for a minute. He smirked as he released it. "You ain’t seen nothin' yet, Sweetheart."

Annoyance flooding through him, Adam snapped his attention back to the wine menu laying before him on the table. If he just ignored Davey, maybe he would disappear.

Davey slid his hand down Adam's chest and over his stomach to the bulge in his pants. He smiled when he realized he was right. "Have a good night, Adam." He removed his hand and walked to the front desk to get his pizza before leaving. 

A yelp of surprise fell from Adam's lips as Davey's strong hand cupped him, sending shivers of pleasure coursing through his body. _Oh God_. 

His heart pounded, the blood rushing in his ears. _No_ , his mind screamed. He didn't want this. He couldn't want this. Slamming his eyes shut, Adam forced himself to think of something, anything other than the warmth of Davey's lips against his. The feel of his hand and just how badly he wanted this. 

Davey smiled as he passed by Aubrey as she made her way back towards the table, "Adam seems a bit tense. Give him a massage or something," he said playfully as he headed to the door. 

Aubrey's brows knitted in confusion as she watched Davey wander from the restaurant, pizza box in hand. Shaking herself from her thoughts, she made her way back to the table.

Blankly, Adam stared at the menu before him. Every nerve in his body was on fire and, try as he might, he couldn't make it stop. 

"Adam, what's going on?" she asked, softly, sensing his unease immediately. _What happened? Please talk to me_.

"Nothing," he all but snapped. He was uneasy, unsettled, and he hated Davey for making him that way. Composing himself, Adam sighed. It wasn't her fault. "I'm sorry, Bree. I just...I don't like him." He sighed, "And really, I just...I don't want to talk about it."

"Is it because he's gay? I never knew you were homophobic," she whispered. Adam was raised in a strict Catholic home and Aubrey knew how conservative his mother could be. But this was something she’d never figured Adam for.

Adam shook his head, "No, that doesn't matter. It's just...He rubs me the wrong way. I don't like his attitude." 

"Maybe he has a crush on you or something," she teased, wanting to see him smile again. Anything but that troubled frown.

"Can we please just not talk about this now?"

Trying to relax him, she slid her foot out of her shoe and between his thighs, rubbing over him. "What do you want to talk about?" She asked with a smirk on her face. 

He jumped slightly, the touch startling him. While the feel of her foot pressed intimately against him felt divine, his mind was far too clouded with thought, guilt and confusion to process it. "Not now, Bree, please. I just...Can't we just have a nice, quiet dinner?" 

She looked down and moved her foot. "Sure," she answered quietly. She swallowed hard and pushed back tears. He never rejected her and this was the second time in two days. 

Adam's eyes rose to Aubrey's, another wave of guilt washing over him. He was hurting her, acting this way, he knew he was. And he hated himself for it. Hated the confusion and the guilt that ate away at him. 

She didn't deserve any of this. She wasn't the one pushing him. Tempting him. Manipulating him. This wasn't her fault. "I'm sorry," he whispered, knowing his words wouldn't fix this. He'd hurt the woman he loved, how could he hope to fix that?

 

"Adam... if you don’t want me anymore..." She couldn’t bear to look up at him. She loved him and if he wanted out, it would break her heart. Though she would rather know, she couldn’t look at him when he told her. 

"What?" he whispered, eyes wide and full of confusion. "I never said...Why would you think that..." 

"You've refused me two days in a row," she said quietly. "You never do that." 

Hands shaking, Adam ran his fingers through his hair, his eyes never leaving Aubrey. "I just...I've got a lot on my mind...I love you, you know that. I need you in my life. I just...I'm sorry," he finished softly. He'd never hated himself more. She doubted him. Aubrey doubted him. And it was his fault. He'd given her a reason to doubt his love, his devotion. He'd let Davey win.


	4. Chapter Four

Davey wandered carelessly around the local bookstore the following afternoon, trying to find anything he could to occupy his time. Finally deciding on a Karma Sutra, he headed towards the reading area towards the back of the small store. 

He passed a few people in the aisles before coming to a clearing. A smile spread across his features as a familiar face appeared in the small crows. Aubrey. His smile widened all the more. What better way to play with Adam than by befriending his fiance. Davey wasn’t sure just why he wanted to play with Adam so badly--maybe it was the challenge he knew seducing him would bring--but he did. God he did. 

Settling into one of the plush couches in the corner of the reading area, Aubrey pulled out the latest James Patterson book she’d found on the ‘New Releases’ shelf. It had been far too long since she'd taken the time to just sit, read, and forget about the rest of the world. Thankfully, she'd gotten off of work early today and had enough time to duck into the bookstore before returning home. Before having to confront Adam once again. 

Aubrey sighed, when she'd returned from the restroom yesterday Adam had gone completely cold on her and it had only gotten worse once they'd returned home. For the second night in a row, he'd locked himself in his studio, refusing to open the door to speak with her. This was all honestly starting to scare her.

Davey slowly made his way towards Aubrey, watching as she sank deeper and deeper into the pages of the novel she was reading. "Boo," he whispered in her ear once he’d snuck up behind her. 

Jumping nearly out of her seat entirely, Aubrey's eyes darted to the source of the voice. "Davey," she started uncertainly. Adam's reaction to the man before her made her wary of him. Something in his eyes unsettled her.

He chuckled. "I'm sorry. You were reading a scary book and I couldn’t resist." 

Aubrey chuckled nervously, closing the book and settling it on her lap. "Not scary," she corrected, "Just intense."

"Well _Kiss the Girls_ scared the hell out of me," he said as he took a seat next to her on the couch. 

"Scared me, too. Patterson's got a way with words."

"That he does," Davey agreed with a smile, sitting his book on his lap in her view

Aubrey smiled softly at him, her eyes wandering curiously to the book in his lap. Red quickly spread across her face at the thoughts running through her mind. 

 

A mutual friend of her's and Adam's had bought her and Adam a copy of the Karma Sutra for Christmas that past year as a gag gift. The pair had spent a good few hours flipping through the book and laughing nervously, feeling like two children about to get caught doing something naughty. "That's...um...interesting reading material you've got there."

He looked down at the book and then back up at her, smiling. "Research. I want to try something new, providing I have a rather flexible partner, of course."

"Well, um...That's probably the best place to...um...look," she finished lamely, knowing her face was near crimson. 

"You’re about as red as rose, my dear," he teased playfully, touching her cheek with his fingers.

Aubrey’s cheeks darkened, "I'm sorry..It's just...I've never...You're just so open about things...It's just odd." her eyes widened, "I'm sorry that was terribly rude of me. I'm just not used to having someone be so forward about...that." 

"Sex," Davey said, plainly.

"Yes and no," she answered, truthfully. She'd never blushed so much in her life. Oh God. what was she getting herself into?

"I feel its better to be open about certain things. Why be shy about something that feels so damn good?" Davey pointed out, shrugging.

"I guess you have a point...It's just that...I just...I'm sorry, I'm not making any sense."She laughed nervously. _He must think I'm a fool_.

"You have fucked before, right?" He figured that if she was blushing now, saying fucked instead of sex would really get her. "I mean, I don’t want to be rude, but..." 

"I've had sex before yes. I'm not that backwards," she laughed nervously, "It's not...I've just never talked to anyone who's been that open about...two men...Not that I'm offended or anything...It's just...I'm sorry. I sound like some pathetic country bumpkin. Ignore me."

He leaned in close. "Two men aren’t that much different than a man and a woman," he whispered. "There are few differences, like prep, but the outcome is still the same."

Aubrey was bright red again, she knew it. "Well...Um..." she trailed off, unsure of what to say. 

He laughed. "Can I buy you a cup of coffee?"

Aubrey stared at Davey blankly for a moment, before chuckling nervously, "Well that's the first time anyone's ever asked me for coffee like that," she joked. "I um...I guess, if you want."

"I figured I owed you after turning you into a beet," he said pushing himself to his feet and reaching for her hand to help her up.

Aubrey shook her head, allowing Davey to help her to her feet. "You're one of the most forward men I've ever met."

"I make life interesting," he said. "And at least you know I'm not hitting on you."

Another chuckle fell from her throat, "True. I'm not quite your type," she joked back.

"No," he said. "You are beautiful though. I can see why Adam is so smitten."

"Thank you," she answered, her cheeks reddening all the more, "I'm blessed to have him in my life. God's been good to me."

A smile spread across his face. "You are a religious woman, I take it?"

"Not psychotically, no. But yes, I have my faith."

He nodded as he listened, walking to the coffee bar. "Go to church?"

Aubrey smiled, "Every Sunday for as long as I can remember."

"Does Adam go?"

His words gave her a moments pause, the familiar disheartening feeling spreading through her once more. "Not often. He just...His family are strict Catholics...After 18 years of that...He just...I get where he’s coming from...And I...I don't want to push him."

"Ah," Davey said, understanding a bit now why Adam had reacted as strongly as he had. He walked up to the counter ordering two regular coffees. After he’d paid for them he held one out, handing it to her. "Here you go." 

"Thank you," Aubrey murmured, taking the hot container from him and bringing it to her lips.

"You okay, Cherry?" he asked, teasing her about the blushing with the nickname.

"Cherry?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"I thought it was cute," he replied with a shrug.

Aubrey smiled, his meaning sinking in, "It is. And yeah...I'm fine...I just...I don't know."

"Wanna talk about it?" 

 

Sighing softly, Aubrey brought the cup to her lips, taking a sip of the hot coffee, before smiling at the man by her side. "I just...I wish he would at least try to go, for me. I'm not asking him to go every single time...Just once. I mean...we're getting married in two months...I just...I'm sorry, you don't need to hear this."

Davey put his arm around her and walked her to a table to sit down. "If you need to vent, go ahead. It’s not like I am going to tell him," Davey told her. She was going to open up to him and give him everything he needed, he knew it. She was trusting to a fault.

Aubrey shook her head, holding up her hand in protest, "It's stupid really. Don't worry about it."

"You want him to be involved in your life. I understand."

"I just...I don't want to push him...I just want him there. I've always gone to his shows. Supported him. I love him...I just wish for once that he would support me." A heavy sigh fell from her lips, "It's selfish, I know. And that's wrong of me. I just...I'm sorry." He didn’t want or need to hear any of this. 

"It’s not selfish. Its understandable," he told her, reaching across the table for her hand.

"It feels selfish, though," she answered honestly, letting Davey take her hand in his. "I don't know."

"If this was turned around and you wouldn’t go to his shows, how would he act?" Davey posed, raising his eyebrow slightly.

Sighing, Aubrey raised her eyes once more, "He'd be upset...His art means the world to him. If I couldn't accept how important it was I couldn't accept him. I know that. I understand it, I just...I don't know." 

"Don’t you think you deserve the same respect?" 

Another sigh, "Yes. I just...I get why he doesn't want to go and I don't want to push him. I just...I don't know."

"You aren’t very sure of anything are you?"He said with a soft chuckle.

Her eyes narrowed slightly, pulling her hand back from his, "I know I love him and I know I want this to work."

"Aubrey, I wasn’t saying anything against your relationship with Adam. I know you love him. I can see that. I just think you need to stand up for what you want more." He softened his expression and smiled warmly. 

Aubrey offered him a guarded smile in return, "I overreacted. Forgive me."What had gotten into her?

 

"It’s fine. Really," he reassured her, looking down at his watch. "I should get going. Would you like my number in case you need to talk?"

"No, really, I'm fine. I should get going anyway. Adam should be home soon. It was nice bumping into you again."

He smiled standing up. "Likewise. Take care of yourself, Cherry," he told her, leaning down to kiss her cheek.

Aubrey watched him disappear around the corner before turning her attention back to the cup of coffee before her. There was something about Davey that unsettled her. Something about the way he acted, the things he said. _Stop being paranoid, Bree_ , she cursed silently at herself, _he’s not bad. He’s just trying to help. You’re as bad as Adam_. With a sigh, she too pushed herself to her feet, grabbing her cup and making her way back to her car. There wasn't any use dwelling on his now.

Twenty minutes later Aubrey pulled into her driveway, smiling when she saw Adam's car there. Quickly she climbed out of the care and made her way to the kitchen door, stepping inside. "Adam?" she called, softly.

Adam had collapsed on the couch after he'd gotten home. He hadn’t slept much the night before and he felt completely drained. A sigh fell from his lips. He'd been awful to Aubrey, there was no excuse for it. She hadn't deserved his cold shoulder. 

The soft jingle of keys and the telltale creak of the kitchen door caught his attention followed by her soft voice. "I'm in here," he called, softly. She wanted to talk to him. That was something. More than he deserved, really.

She made her way into the living room and jumped on him, smiling widely. He was talking to her. "Hi!"

A muffled groan fell from his lips. Rolling his eyes up to meet hers, Adam smiled in return, "Hey."

"I want you to come to church with me this Sunday." Her eyes were bright and hopeful.

Adam's expression clouded and he turned away from her slightly, "Aubrey, I...I don't know." The hope in her eyes served only to churn guilt in his stomach. How could he go to church now? After what he'd done. What he wanted to do? He was a walking abomination.

She sighed in frustration. "I go to all your art shows. Every single one. You are going to church with me." It wasn’t a request this time.

"Sweetie, please. You don't understand..."

 

Aubrey climbed off of him, standing beside the couch, anger flickering in her dark eyes. "You don’t understand! I do whatever you ask me to, I never question it! If you don’t start taking some kind of interest in my life, I am going to refuse to take interest in yours." She stared at him, unable to believe she'd said anything like that to him.

He stared, dumbfounded for a few moments before the guilt sank back in. "Aubrey," he began, sitting up in the couch, "I don't want to fight with you...I just...I want to be a part of your life...I just..." _I'm a liar. I want him. I shouldn't but I want him. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry_. 

She stared at him. "You don’t give a damn about me, do you?" 

"I do care, Aubrey. You have to know that. I just..." his voice trailed off, head falling into his hands. _Well you're certainly making a wonderful mess of things aren't you, Carson?_

She paused, eyes falling to the floor. "Davey said that if I wanted something from you I should ask. So I am asking." Her voice was quiet and soft. All she wanted was one thing. Just one. Why couldn’t he give it to her?

Adam's eyes shot up, panic racing through him. "Davey?"

"I saw him at the book store. We had coffee and talked."

"Talked about what? About me?" his voice rose with every word, emotion strangling his words. _Dammit, Carson, pull yourself together! What the fuck is wrong with you?_

"Some,” Aubrey told him truthfully, she wouldn’t lie to him, "But we talked about other things too. Books, interests. He's nice."

"He's manipulative," Adam whispered, raking his fingers through his hair, unable to meet her gaze. What the fuck was Davey trying to do to him?

"Just because you don’t like him doesn’t make him manipulative. He was kind to me, Adam. He listened to me. He understood."

"I just...Fine, I'll go. Okay? I just...I don't want to fight with you." His tone was far harsher than he'd intended. _This isn't how it's supposed to be _. Adam loved her, he wanted to be a part of her life. Why couldn't she just understand that he couldn't do this? Not now.__

She glared at him. "You know what? Forget it! I don’t want you there. I can live my life separate from you and you can do the same for all I care. I would say meet me when you want to make love but that doesn’t seem interest you anymore either." Aubrey couldn’t believe the words that were falling from her lips. _It’s not supposed to be this way._

 

Adam's eyes closed, his hands cradling his head. This was all so fucked up. And it was his fault. He shouldn't have give in to Davey. He was paying for that mistake now. "Please don't do this. I don't want to fight with you. I just..." Adam trailed off, pushing himself up from the couch, "I can't do this right now. I'm sorry." 

Brushing past Aubrey, he made a beeline for the door. Once outside he pulled his crumpled pack of cigarettes from his back pocket. _Empty. Fuck. Just perfect_. With a sigh, he leaned back against the cool brick of the house. What was he going to do?


	5. Chapter Five

Dropping his bag onto the desk before him, Adam sank into his chair. Had it not been so near the end of the semester, he'd have called in sick. But as it stood, end of term was two weeks away and he couldn't just abandon his students like that. 

The fight he'd had with Aubrey the night before still weighed heavily in his mind. He'd been an asshole to her and she hadn't done a thing to him. All she'd wanted was a bit of his time. God, he was a selfish prick. Sighing, he dropped his head on the desk before him. He still had ten minutes before his students were due to arrive. Adam needed to pull himself together. 

Slowly, one by one, the students arrived with their paintings and supplies in hand. Most were finished and some were going to put the final touches on their work during class. Everything seemed to be running smoothly, which Adam was grateful for. He wasn’t sure he could handle another major crisis. Roughly, the door to the art room swung open and Davey slowly sauntered into the room. 

Adam occupied himself by wandering around from student to student, offering his advice and opinions. Several students, he noted proudly, had vastly improved since the start of term. "Your shading techniques come a long way, Jess," he pointed out, patting the young woman before him on the shoulder. Over the semester he’d seen her work truly bloom and he couldn’t have been prouder. 

The creak of the classroom door snapped Adam's attention from Jess. His eyes widened slightly in shock and surprise, before narrowing icily. Excusing himself, Adam made his way towards Davey, "What are you doing here?" he all but hissed, his voice low. The last thing he wanted was to draw many more attention to them, though he could feel several pairs of eyes on his back.

Davey smiled and tilted his head to the side. "I came to see the paintings. Why else would I come?"

"Look then leave," Adam told him curtly, blatantly ignoring his question.

Davey shook his head. "You are so rude," he teased playfully.

"And you are an arrogant prick," Adam spat back, turning around and heading back towards the class. The sooner Davey left, the better. 

Davey walked up behind Adam, smoothing his hand over his ass as he passed by to look at the drawings.

Narrowing his eyes, Adam glared at Davey, not bothering to hide his annoyance from the students. He blatantly ignored the shiver of pleasure that coursed through him. No, he didn't want that asshole touching him. He'd done more than enough damage to his life.

Davey smiled, genuinely pleased, as he took in the paintings surrounding him. "Wow, these are really good."

Various students mumbled their thanks before standing and making their way to Adam's desk. One by one, each student handed in their paintings to be graded and made their way out the door. 

Davey stood against the wall with one foot cocked up on it, waiting patiently for each student to leave. His hair was draped over his shoulder and his hands were folded over his crotch loosely as he studied Adam with a smirk.

Adam sighed, taking the last student's painting and wishing him a good weekend. Davey was still in the room, he could feel him. "You've seen the paintings," Adam hissed, "you can leave now."

"Aww... but why? We can just talk. Aubrey was nice to talk to. She really is a sweetheart," Davey pointed out, walking over to him.

Bristling, Adam turned to face Davey, "I have nothing to say to you and I'd appreciate it if you left my fiance alone."

"It was just a friendly conversation," Davey said running a finger across Adam's jaw line. "Nothing more or less." 

A shiver ran through Adam. Forcefully, he pulled away from Davey's finger. "Don't touch me."

Davey placed his hand at the small of Adam's back and pulled him closer. "You and I both know you want me to touch you." Their mouths were inches from each other and Davey stared up into Adam's eyes with lust burning in his own.

The heat of Davey's gaze burned Adam. He swallowed thickly. No, he didn't want this. He couldn't want this. "No," he protested, his voice softer than it had been. "Just go. Leave."

"Why?" He pressed his body against Adam's and wiggled his hips. "You want so much more than that."

"Stop it. I don't want this." Adam fought to suppress the moan that threatened to fall from his lips. The solid heat of Davey's body against his was maddening. No, he had to get him away. Forcefully, he shoved Davey back. "No. Get the fuck out of my classroom." With Davey no longer pressed against him, Adam could think clearly again.

Davey grinned and grabbed Adam, pinning him against the wall by the desk. "I don’t think you want that," he said kissing him and pressing hard against his erection.

Adam struggled against Davey's strong form. He had to get away, get Davey off of him. But Davey was so much stronger than he looked. The rough slam of Davey's hips against his erection pulled a moan from his lips and sent splotches of white throughout his vision.

 

Davey slid his hand down Adam's body and moved his hips back enough to cup him. "I want you. I've wanted you since I laid eyes on you," he panted, kissing him in between each word. Lightly he bit at Adam's lips.

Another moan fell from Adam's lips as he bucked into Davey's hand. Sparks of pleasure rippled through him. "Fuck," he hissed. This was wrong. Fuck this was wrong. But Adam's body didn't seem to care. 

Davey smiled against his mouth. "That's what I thought." He rubbed over the bulge in Adam's pants with a little more force. "Let me fuck you."

Adam whimpered, his mind pleading for him to shove Davey away and run. He was stronger than Davey, he could do it easily. But his body refused to move, his hips arching violently into Davey's. 

Davey pulled him from the wall and walked over to the desk, never breaking the rough, hungry kisses. "Tell me you want it."

"No," Adam whispered, defiantly, the back of his knees hitting the desk behind him. 

Davey pushed him back against the desk, his fingers expertly unzipping Adam's jeans. "Yes you do," he said slipping a hand inside. 

Adam whimpered again as Davey's fingers traced over the head of his erection before wrapping tightly around it. Davey kissed down Adam's jaw to his neck, biting just over the pulse. "Give in to me, Adam," he whispered against his ear.

Shaking his head, Adam whimpered again. The warmth of Davey's breath against his ear was maddening. 

"Then tell me no," he challenged, stroking his cock now.

Adam bit his lip to keep from screaming out in pleasure. Davey's soft fingers felt divine against him. God, he was going to kill him. Squeezing eyes his shut tightly, Adam felt his hips bucking into Davey's hand. Pleasure coursed through him. He was close. So fucking close. 

Davey could feel the tremble and pulled back, jerking Adam off the table and turning him. "You have lotion or something in your desk?" He pushed the hard line of his cock against Adam's ass as he spoke.

Adam shook his head, choking back the moan low in his throat. Fear mixed with the pleasure coursing through him. Oh God.

"Anything slick?" Davey bit at the back of Adam's neck as he spoke, easing the man's jeans down over his hips.

 

Shaking his head again, Adam moaned. Davey's fingers felt like fire against his heated skin. Lust pumped through him and he ground his hips against the desk. 

Davey pulled back and unzipped his pants and slid them over his hips. He knew this was going to be a bit uncomfortable for Adam, but they both wanted it. He coated his fingers with saliva and circled one around his entrance. 

Adam jumped at the contact, fear flooding through him. He couldn't do this. God he had to get away. "No. Please no," he begged. 

Davey licked his ear. "If you didn’t want it, you wouldn’t be hard."

He pushed back against Davey, trying to force the man off of him. He couldn't do this. As much as he body screamed for it, his mind couldn't do this. "Please."

Davey moved his finger away, still stroking him. "But you want to come?" He asked. 

A groan feel from Adam's lips, his hips bucking into Davey's hand.

Davey felt the way he reacted and knew that, despite his protests, he wanted to be fucked. Licking his fingers once again to get them ready, he placed his middle finger at Adam's hole and pushed in as he stroked his cock.

"Oh fuck," Adam hissed, the pain of the sudden violation mixing with the pleasure coursing through him as Davey continued to stroke him. He could feel Davey moving inside of him. Slowly stretching him.

Davey moved his finger slowly, not wanting to hurt him, but wanting him to feel it. He circled it inside him, having no trouble finding his prostate. "Feels good, doesn’t it?"Adam moaned as Davey's fingers brushed across something inside of him, white hot flashes of pleasure erupting through him. Davey removed his finger and then re entered this time with two, scissoring him to stretch him more. 

Adam cringed, pain shooting through him once again. Only when Davey's fingers brushed against that spot inside of him did Adam relax again, a heady moan spilling from his lips and onto the wooden desk beneath his head.

"Still want me to stop?" Davey panted against his ear. Hissing in response, Adam bucked back against Davey's fingers. He smiled. "I didn’t think so. Tell me you want me to fuck you."Davey licked the shell of Adam's ear as he spoke, pressing against his prostate again. Slowly he slid in the third finger, stretching him as much as he needed to. 

Adam moaned again, "N no," he managed to choke out. No matter how badly his body wanted this, Adam refused to say it. To admit it. Blinding pleasure rippled through him as Davey's fingers pressed against him again. "Oh God."

 

Davey smiled. Breaking him was going to be fun. "Tell me, Adam," he said twisting his fingers inside him. "‘I want you to fuck me, Davey.’ Scream it for me," he insisted as he pushed against his prostate.

Another moan erupted from Adam's throat. His entire body felt as if it were on fire. Shamelessly, he bucked against the desk, securing Davey's hand between him and the lacquered wood.

Davey removed his fingers, loosened the fastening of his jeans, tugging them down his hips, and spit into his hand to slick his cock. He held it in his hand for a few moments, rubbing himself back and forth over Adam's entrance. He stopped stroking Adam, not wanting him to come that way. "Tell me, baby."

Adam whimpered as Davey's hand released him. "No," he hissed defiantly. 

"Why?" His voice just as hard and defiant. 

Adam bucked back against Davey. "We both kn know you're going to fu fuck me. But I'll..I'll never give you the satisfaction of hearing me sa say I wa-want you to," he hissed back, his breathing harsh and labored. 

Davey growled. "Fine." He nudged the head of his cock inside Adam, groaning. 

Biting his lip, Adam's eyes squeezed shut as he felt Davey pushing inside of him. Pain radiated through his body. 

Davey moved slowly, knowing he was the first that had ever been inside of Adam. He allowed his body to adjust before thrusting. "God, I won’t last with you so tight." His nails dug into Adam's hips. He felt so good.

"Fuck!" Adam hissed, feeling Davey slide all the way inside of him. Fuck. Squeezing his eyes tightly shut, Adam whimpered. It felt as though Davey was tearing him in half. 

The thrusts were slow and gentle. Davey wanted to wait until Adam adjusted to give him the fuck he wanted. He bit the side of his neck to take his mind off the pain elsewhere. 

Adam moaned as he felt Davey's teeth sink into his neck., the slight pain more pleasurable than it should have been. Another moan fell from his lips as Davey brushed against his prostate again. "Fuck," he breathed. His body slowly adjusted to Davey's girth and the slow, gentle pace he set, pleasure rippling through him.

Bowing his head and placing it against Adam's back, Davey quickened the pace. He wanted to fuck him, make him scream. More than anything he wanted Adam to scream his name. His nails dug into his sides even deeper and he started to moan. "Oh God," 

 

Moan after moan spilled from Adam's parted lips as Davey pounded into him. The pain of Davey's fingers digging into his hips coupled with the delirious pleasure each slam of his hips brought pushed Adam closer and closer to his release. His body shuddered in anticipation.

Davey reached around and stroked Adam as he picked up the pace of his thrusts. "Oh God, Adam, come for me."

The warmth and softness of Davey's fingers around him, stroking him coupled with the now constant stimulation against his prostate, sent Adam hurtling over the edge sobbing Davey's name despite himself. 

Feeling Adam clench around him sent Davey spiraling head first into his own climax. He screamed out Adam's name, releasing inside of him. It felt so good. He panted harshly all the way through it, his eyes clenching shut, a million thoughts swimming through his mind. This was starting to feel different, all of it. He'd won. He'd fucked Adam, but it was different.

Adam whimpered as Davey's brutal thrusts slowed, his body coming down from its high, each breath he took, labored and harsh. His mind was fuzzy and his body heavy and warm. 

Davey collapsed against Adam's back, his hands rubbing up and down his arms that braced him on the desk. He was still panting. As many man as he slept with, he'd never come like that.

The feel of Davey's solid weight against his back thrust Adam violently back into the present. Oh God, what had he done? What the fuck had he done?

Slowly, Davey pulled out, stumbling back a bit. His legs were like jello. He bent down to pull his pants up and fastened them. 

Adam pushed himself from the desk with shaky arms, yanking his own boxers and pants back up. He refused to turn or even glance at Davey. "Get out," he bellowed.

Davey looked at him. "Adam?" He was surprised at the hurt coursing through him at Adam responding like this. 

"Get out."

Davey stared at Adam and ran his hands through his hair. "Fine." He walked over, kissing him hard on the mouth. "You were just as good of a fuck as I thought you'd be," he whispered, harshly. If Adam was going to kick him out, he would have the upper hand. 

Adam whimpered in surprise as Davey's lips smothered his own. Pulling back forcefully, he glared at the man standing before him. "Touch me again and I swear to god I'll kill you."

"You loved every minute of what we just did," Davey spat, defiance and arrogance shining in his eyes.

 

"You'd love to think that, wouldn't you?" Adam shot right back, his voice even and cool despite that fact the inside he was trembling.

"That was my name you screamed, not Aubrey's."

Adam's eyes narrowed, "A mistake I sure as hell won't make again."

Adam's words hurt Davey more than he cared to think on. Steeling himself he leaned in and licked Adam's ear. "When you fuck her, you'll think of me," he challenged.

"Keep telling yourself that," Adam hissed, grabbing his bag from behind the desk. "Now get the fuck out."

Davey looked up at him, for a moment his facade faltering and his actual hurt showing. "Fine," he hissed, hardening his expression again.

Silence fell over the room, neither man moving nor speaking for several minutes. "Weren't you leaving?" Adam snapped, his eyes finally raising to Davey's. Without a word or a comeback, Davey turned and left, slamming the door behind him.

A strangled sob fell from Adam's lips as he collapsed against the desk behind him, his bag falling to the floor. What had he done? Oh God, what the fuck had he done?


	6. Chapter Six

Adam didn't remember the drive home. It passed him in a blur. How he'd gotten from his car, up the stairs and into the shower, he had no idea. All he could focus on now was scrubbing. Scrubbing every last inch of himself. Scrubbing off any trace of Davey. Of the sin they'd committed. The sin he'd let himself commit. He needed to wash away any trace. Wash away the memory. Everything. 

His skin was red and raw by the time he stepped from the shower. Securing a towel roughly around his waist, Adam collapsed on the bed, burying his face in his pillow. He wanted to forget. He needed to forget. To disappear. God, what had he done?

Aubrey arrived home, a few hours later, from her church meet. Slowly made her way upstair, needing to make things right with Adam. She hated that things still weren’t settled between them. Hated that they’d fought. They hardly ever fought and now it seemed it was all they ever did.

She opened the bedroom door, seeing him laying on the bed, his back towards her. Aubrey pulled her panty hose off, the material of her skirt now rubbing against her legs, and crawled on the bed, kissing up Adam's chest. "I'm home."

Startled awake by her touch, Adam rolled over, his sleep laden eyes focusing on Aubrey's blurry form. "What time is it?" he murmured, mind still heavy with sleep. The sun had just begun to set, bright oranges and reds bleeding through the small window across from the bed.

"About seven," she answered, kissing over his chest up to his neck.

A soft moan fell from Adam's part lips as he felt Aubrey's warm breath on his skin. The wet heat of her tongue tracing over his Adam's apple. His eyes slowly drifted closed, losing himself in the sensations running rampant through him. He could lay like this for hours. 

Shifting slightly to offer Aubrey more room, Adam felt a throbbing pain shot through him. _Oh God_. Memories of that afternoon flooded his mind once more. The anger and fear making him sick to his stomach. _No_ , his mind hissed. 

Hands locking roughly around Aubrey's waist, he violently switched their positions. He didn't want Davey. He didn't want what he'd done to him. He was straight. Straight. Savagely, he slammed his lips against Aubrey's. He was straight. He didn’t want Davey. Didn’t need him. And he would prove it.

Aubrey squealed as her back hit the mattress, Adam's mouth crushing hers. She was stunned to the point that she couldn’t even shut her eyes or kiss back. She moaned softly and pushed on his chest to get him to ease up.

His hips rocked harshly against hers, the friction forcing him to hiss against her lips. His tongue snaked between her parted lips, thrusting violently inside. Her body felt warm, soft, and divine against his. The feel of her hands pressing against his chest pulled another moan from him. 

She pulled her mouth from him. "Adam?"

His lips crashed against hers once more, swallowing his name as it fell from her lips. He needed to feel her against him. Needed her. His free hand slid up her body to tangle in her hair, fingers tugging on the dark locks. God, she felt so good beneath him.

She whimpered, her heart racing. He was being so rough with her. He was never like this. It was starting to scare her. Aubrey pushed harder on his chest and turned her head again. As much as she wanted him, he was hurting her. "Adam, slow down a bit. Please."

Adam's lips and teeth attacked her neck, his other hand sliding between them to hike her skirt up. "Want you," he breathed harshly in her ear before pulling the lobe between his lips. This was what he wanted. Aubrey. This was all he'd ever want. This had to be. His hips rolled roughly into hers once again, the towel that was still fastened around his waist loosening with each thrust against her. 

Again she whimpered, clawing at him. "Adam..."

The sharp pain of her nails against his skin only seemed to push Adam on. She wanted this. He knew she did. And he needed her. Needed this. Hungrily, he kissed back up her neck, across her jaw, before pressing his lips against hers once again, his tongue darting out to trace along her lips before pleading for re entrance into her mouth.

Aubrey opened her mouth to tell him he was hurting her but his lips covered hers before she even had a chance to protest. She wiggled under him, trying to move away, but his weight was too much. He was too strong.

He moaned against her parted lips, his tongue darting back into her mouth. The feel of her hips, her body writhing against his was exquisite. Wasting no time, the same hand that worked to hike her skirt up, slid beneath it once more to tug her underwear down and off her body. 

Kissing her soundly, Adam rolled so he was completely on top of Aubrey, his naked hips rocking against hers, the contact sending ripples of pleasure through him. Yes. this was what he wanted. Not Davey. This. Aubrey.

"Adam, please," she whimpered tearing her mouth away, terrified of him. She kicked her legs a bit to move him away from her. The harder he rolled into her, the more he hurt her. 

Something wasn't right. The fuzzy thought echoed in his mind, growing louder by the second. Something wasn't right. Pulling back slightly and panting, Adam's eyes focused on Aubrey's face. Tears streamed down her cheeks, her eyes wide and fearful. Guilt flooded through him once again as he violent pulled himself from her. He could feel the bile rising in his throat. _Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. Oh God_. What had he done? 

 

She stared at him, her eyes wide and frightful. What was wrong with him? This wasn’t her Adam. Her body shook and she turned her head away. She couldn’t even look at him. Aubrey rolled to her side and closed her legs. She wanted him, yes, but not like this.

"Aubrey, I...Oh God...I..I didn't...I just...Oh God..." A wave of nausea overtook him. Sprinting up from the bed, Adam flew into the bathroom, expelling the contents of his stomach into the toilet. Oh God, what had he done?

She could hear him throwing up and clenched her eyes shut. Her sobs were louder than she intended them to be but she couldn’t shut them off. What was wrong with him? All she wanted was the hurt to go away, for the shock to disappear. This wasn’t her Adam.

Falling back onto the cool tiled floor of the bathroom, Adam cradled his head in his hands. If he hadn't stopped, he would have...raped her. Aubrey. He would have raped Aubrey. _Oh God_. Another wave of nausea overtook him. Throwing himself back over the toilet, Adam dry heaved. His heart was racing. What kind of a sick monster was he? 

Aubrey laid in bed, waiting for him to come out. A part of her wanted to go comfort him. She loved him and comforting him was what it seemed like she should do, but the other half was terrified to move. She didn’t know just who she would find if she went after him. That thought terrified her.

Pulling himself back against the floor once more, Adam's eyes fell shut. He wanted to die. How could he have even touched her the way he had? How could he have been so wrapped up in his own mind to realize what he was doing? He deserved to die. How could he have done this?

Taking a deep breath, Aubrey called out to him. "Adam..." 

Her voice echoed in from the bedroom, but he couldn't answer her. He couldn't bring himself to move. Why couldn't the floor just open up and swallow him whole? "I'm sorry," he whispered, wrapping his arms tightly around himself, "I'm so sorry." 

Her tears streamed down her face faster when he didn’t answer her. They were happy a week ago. What had happened with in that week to make him change? What happened to him? "Adam?" She called again, her voice tired and frail.

"I'm sorry," he choked out again, between the sobs that wracked his body. He was a monster. A horrid, vile, evil creature. "I'm sorry." Those words could never fix this. He knew that. Nothing could fix this.

She sat up, sliding her legs off the bed, and slowly walked to the bathroom. Adam looked horrible; pale. Broken. Reluctantly, she sat down beside him, wiping the tears from his cheeks. "What’s going on?"

 

Her fingers were soft against his cheek. He didn't deserve that. Didn't deserve her comfort. He didn't deserve anything. His body trembled. "I didn't mean to...I would never...I just...Oh God...I just..."

"You hurt me," she said softly. It was something she never thought she would say to him.

"I didn't mean...I just...I'm sorry...Oh God, how could I have..." His voice cracked, his body shaking harder still as he pulled his knees tighter against himself. 

Biting her lip, she wrapped her arms around him, trying to comfort him. There was something wrong. Something more than what had just happened. She could feel it. "Adam, tell me."

Adam wouldn't let himself relax in her arms. He didn't have the right to. Not now. Not after this. "I'm sorry," he whispered over and over again.

There was nothing Aubrey could do and she knew it. She was hurt, scared and confused. No matter how much she wanted to run, to get away from him, she couldn’t. She loved him and she would sit on this floor all night and hold him if she had to. Something was horribly wrong and she needed to know what. 

"Why?" he whispered, breaking the tense silence that had fallen over the room, "Why are you doing this? How can you stand to touch me?" His voice was flat, dull.

She swallowed hard and leaned her head against his, her mouth just at his ear. "Because I love you." 

"You shouldn't."

"I always have." She closed her eyes. "Please don’t shut me out. Tell me what’s going on."

His mouth opened but the words refused to come. How could he tell her what he'd done? That's he'd betrayed her in the worst way possible? It would kill her. And he couldn't do that to her. Not now.

Adam wasn’t going to tell her, she knew it, and the fact that he was scared to tell her terrified her. There was something very wrong, something that changed his entire demeanor. Something that had completely changed him. 

Things had to get better between the two of them. They had to. If they didn’t, Aubrey didn’t know what she would do. He was her world. 

Pushing away every bit of fear, every ounce of uncertainty for the time being, she held Adam tighter against her, closing her eyes, hoping that whatever was plaguing him, plaguing them, would disappear if only for the night. _Please_ , she begged silently. _Please_.


	7. Chapter Seven

He shouldn't have gone in today, Adam knew that. How he'd managed to make it through his class without completely falling apart, he still didn't quite grasp. A tense sigh fell from his lips as he gripped the wheel in his hands tightly. He hadn't been able to focus on much of anything, his mind a jumbled mess of thought and emotion. 

What happened to him? What did he do to deserve to have his life ripped apart before his very eyes? He hated himself. Hated the monster he'd become. He'd hurt Aubrey...He could have...Oh God, he'd hurt her, betrayed her. He'd let Davey use him. Let him touch him, make him feel things he shouldn't feel. And he'd wanted it. Needed it. He still did. God, what was wrong with him? 

Davey walked down the sidewalk towards the bookstore. After what had happened between him and Adam the night before, his reaction to being kicked out of the classroom right after sex, he needed something to keep his mind off of things. He never got hurt when he did things like this, but this time, he actual felt something. He couldn’t explain it, nor did he want to. He didn’t know a thing about Adam besides the fact that he looked liked he would be a fun challenge, but the challenge was starting to turn things on him and he seemed powerless to stop it. 

The light turned green, the shrill honk behind him pulling him out of his mind for the moment, and Adam eased his car into the intersection. Just a few more lights and he'd be on his street. Then he could lock himself in his studio and forget. He wanted to forget. Wanted to disappear. After all he'd done... A flash of dark hair from the sidewalk caught his eye. 

Whipping his head around violently, his eyes fell on Davey's form as he disappeared into the bookstore. Adam's blood boiled, his body reacting just as strongly. _Davey_. He was the reason everything in Adam’s life was broken. He'd done this to him. "Not anymore," Adam hissed, pulling the car violently against the curb and shutting off the engine. 

Briskly, he made his way across the street and into the bookstore, eyes locking on Davey as he disappeared into a row of books. 

Davey grabbed a book from the shelf and turned it over to read the back, running his fingers through his hair with his free hand. Taking a deep breath, he put it back and grabbed another. Nothing seemed to grab his interest. A sigh fell from his lips. He needed to pull himself together. 

Adam watched Davey thumb through the books on the shelf, his anger growing steadily. How dare he act as though everything was fine? After all that he'd done to him. Silently, Adam made his way behind Davey, his hand falling roughly on his shoulder. "I need to talk to you," he hissed, his voice low and cold.

Davey jumped and turned his head, coming face to face and nearly mouth to mouth with Adam. His eyes scanned his face, from his lips to his eyes and locked on him. He was trying desperately to think of something to say, some smart ass comment, but he had nothing. What was wrong with him?

 

Eyes darkening, Adam tightened his grip on Davey's shoulder, pulling him behind him as he made his way towards the side entrance. A million thoughts echoed through his mind. He refused to think about just how firm and strong the muscles beneath his fingers felt. Or the way Davey's soft, alluring scent sent his senses reeling. No, he was here to show Davey once and for all that he couldn't fuck with his life. That he didn't control him.

Davey whimpered a bit and dropped the book as he was pulled outside of the door. "Adam, let me go. You're hurting me." 

Stoutly ignoring Davey's protests, Adam continued to lead them both towards the side entrance and out into the alley. Once the door shut behind him, he whipped around, standing face to face with Davey once more. His eyes dark and seething. "You fucking arrogant piece of shit," he hissed, pushing Davey back from him. 

Davey stared at him, shocked. He knew Adam had a temper, he could sense it in the defiance he’d shown the night before, but he never really expected to see it. Pulling his thoughts together, he pushed Adam back. "What the fuck is your problem? We have nothing to do with each other. Not anymore." 

"What the fuck is my problem?!" Adam posed, laughing angrily, "What the fuck is yours?! You whore yourself around, manipulate people and for what? A quick fuck? Are you really that fucking desperate to get laid? Your hand not good enough, pretty boy?" He spat each word out, hands shaking at his sides. "I guess tricking people into fucking you is the only way you can get attention, isn't it? I'm not surprised. Who'd want a filthy whore like you?"

Davey looked at Adam, eyes blazing. Each word Adam hurled at him cut him deeper than he cared to admit, but he didn’t dare let him know this. He swallowed hard and moved until he was chest to chest with Adam. "You wanted this whore and you still do."

"Don't flatter yourself," Adam hissed, "It isn't very becoming. You'd love to think every man in this world wants you, wouldn't you? Does it make you feel special, David? Important? I guess the only thing you're good at is using your dick. and spreading your legs. But a whore has to make a living somehow, am I right?"

Davey pushed him hard against the wall on the opposite of the bookstore and held him there. "Fuck you. If you didn’t want it, you wouldn’t have let me," Davey snapped, glaring. "You're just angry because you enjoyed it and you’re even angrier that you want it again."

Adam swallowed thickly, trying his best to ignore the blistering heat of Davey's body so close to his. Davey's words shook him to his core, spurring on his anger. _No_. "Think what you want, you disgusting piece of shit." Violently, he shoved Davey off of him, his chest heaving, eyes glowing with anger, "I could do so much better than a lowly whore like you. I have done so much better. Why don't you just run along and find someone else to spread your legs for?" 

 

Davey pushed Adam back against the wall a second time. "Then why the fuck are you here?" His eyes were almost black and staring straight into Adam's. "If I am so filthy and disgusting, why are you here? We're done. Go back to your perfect fucking life with Aubrey and leave this whore alone," he said, his voice cracking a bit. Adam's words stung. 

Adam swallowed thickly, faltering for a moment, the mention of Aubrey's name tugging at his heart. "To make sure you know your place. To make sure you don't decide to come crawling back," he hissed, shoving Davey forcefully against the wall. The anger in his eyes shaking Adam to the core, sending a flicker of desire coursing though him. Davey was stunning like this. Hair tousled, eyes black, lips part, his chest heaving. 

Davey grabbed Adam by the wrist and jerked him closer. "If you push me one more time..." 

"You'll what, David?" Adam hissed, his voice defiant though he could barely think straight with Davey's hard, warm body so close to his. _Oh fuck_. 

Davey's chest heaved and he licked his lips. His eyes were still locked on Adam's. Violently, Davey crushed his lips against his, moaning softly at first contact.

Adam stumbled backwards in shock as Davey's lips slammed against his. Pleasure and desire coursed through him. Roughly, his fingers tangled in Davey's hair, pulling their bodies flush against one another. He couldn't think about what he was doing or he'd crack. No, he just had to feel. And he was certainty feeling quite a bit. 

Forcefully, he ground his erection against Davey's thigh, moaning at the contact. _Oh fuck_. This man would be the death of him. 

Feeling Adam so close, knowing that he was the one who'd made them that way, sent a shiver up Davey's spine. Yes, he'd initiated the kiss, but Adam allowed it to continue. That meant something. Davey wanted him so bad he couldn’t stand it, but he was never one to do this with the same person twice. It was safer that way. 

He rolled his hips against Adam's to show that he was in a similar state and pushed him against the brick wall again. The thought that they were in broad daylight behind a building didn’t faze him. All he wanted was Adam.

A sharp hiss fell from his lips as Adam felt Davey's cock rubbing roughly against his own thigh. Davey was hard. Davey wanted him. He wanted Davey. He couldn't think past that. He wouldn't let himself. A gasp of surprise erupted from his throat as he felt his back slam against the cold brick of the wall behind him. 

Davey tore his mouth from Adam's and moved down to his the hollow of his throat. He jerked the neck of Adam's shirt to the side to kiss and bite his collar bone. He tasted so good, Davey could barely stand it.

 

Tangling his fingers tighter in Davey's hair, Adam tossed his head back moaning and whimpering as Davey bit and sucked at his throat. God, it felt divine. Pleasure wracked his body. "Fuck," he hissed, his cock throbbing in his jeans. He wasn't going to survive this.

Davey slowly descended down Adam's body, pulling the hem of his shirt up as he hit his knees in front of him. His mouth viciously attacked Adam's stomach as his hands worked open his belt and jeans. He wanted him. Wanted to taste him.

Adam's mind was reeling. Fuck, Davey was going to..."Oh fuck," he hissed, his head falling back against the wall behind him. The feel of Davey's lips on the heated skin of his abdomen and his hands working deftly on his pants was nearly too much for Adam. He needed this. Needed to feel the warm, wet, slick heat of Davey's mouth around him. Taking him in. Driving him wild. His hips bucked violently against Davey. Oh God, he wasn't going to survive this.

Davey looked up at Adam as he pulled his pants over his hips. He didn’t want there to be any objections. Not this time. Adam had to want this.

"Fuck," Adam hissed again, hips bucking against Davey's hands. His eyes were shut tightly, his chest heaving.

Davey reached in and pulled Adam's cock out of his boxers. His breath was hot on it as he leaned forward and took Adam into his mouth. He wasted no time in finding a rhythm that suited him; fast with soft moans every other descent. 

A strangled moan fell from Adam's lips as Davey worked him. With every moan Davey released, Adam felt a violent shiver race through his body. God, he was so close and Davey was simply too good at this. Tangling his fingers tighter in Davey's hair, his hips bucked more and more violently against his mouth. 

Davey splayed both hands across Adam's hips and pressed him against the wall to keep him from bucking. He pulled back just enough to suck on the throbbing head of Adam's cock before relaxing his throat to take him completely in.

 _Oh God_. This was it, Davey was trying to kill him. Sharp hisses and heady moans fell from Adam's lips as he felt the head of his cock brush the back of Davey's silken throat. "Fuck. Oh fuck," he hissed. He wasn't going to last. 

White hot sparks crackled through him and his vision clouded slightly. Whimpering, he pulsed helplessly into Davey's mouth, his back arching violently off the wall.

Davey moaned and swallowed him, taking in every drop he could. Adam tasted better than Davey had anticipated. He slid down his shaft and back until he was sure Adam was done and then pulled off of him, sitting back on his feet to catch his breath. Licking his lips, he looked up.

 

Adam panted, his chest heaving. Warmth and contentment flooded through him, his body heavy and numb. The cool air against his cock sent a shiver down his spine. Swallowing thickly, Adam slowly opened his eyes.

Davey locked eyes with him, wondering if he was going to be shoved away again. He didn’t know if he could handle that.

Guilt flooded through Adam once more as his eyes fell upon Davey's. _No. Oh God. Please no_. Panicking, he jerked back, hastily shoving himself back into his boxers and yanking his pants back up his hips. Aubrey's face flashed through his thoughts. _Oh God. Oh God. Oh God_. 

Davey didn’t say a word. He turned his head to the side and pushed up to stand. He couldn’t look at Adam now and he knew it was only a matter of time before he was called a whore for the hundredth time that day. He didn’t need to hear it again.

Without a word, Adam fled from the alley. A million thoughts flooding through his mind. What had he done? Fuck, what had he done?

Davey turned to watch him leave, tears filling his eyes. He was done. He was done being used and not being the one in control. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. The way he was feeling right now was the reason he never let these things get this far and why he never returned for a second rendezvous. He was just done with this whole situation. He couldn’t do this anymore.

Sprinting across the street blindly, Adam tossed himself in his car. His chest heaved and a strangled sob feel from his lips as his head feel against the steering wheel. He was sick. Disgusting. He wanted Davey. Wanted to fuck him. Wanted to be fucked by him. This was wrong. This wasn't how he was supposed to feel. What he was supposed to want. _Oh God_. His mind flashed once again to Aubrey. He'd betrayed her again. He'd let himself betray her. _Oh God_. What was he going to do? What the fuck was he going to do?


	8. Chapter 8

Davey rushed into the bookstore, walking as quickly as he could, his heart pounding. He needed to get far away from the alley and what had just happened. He never had to see Adam again and that was fine with him. He couldn’t handle seeing him again. Turning the corner quickly, Davey slammed into the unsuspecting person standing at the end of the aisle, a startled "Oh" falling from his lips.

Mind swimming in thought, Aubrey ran her fingers along the shelf of books in front of her. This wasn't happening. It was too soon. She wasn't ready for this and she knew he wouldn't be either. And after what he'd done last night, the way he'd broken down, she wasn't sure if he could handle this. If they could handle it. She didn’t know what she was going to do.

The warm body that slammed into hers sent her stumbling back a few feet, sending her nearly back into the row of books behind her. Catching her breath and calming herself, Aubrey's eyes fell on Davey’s form. His hair was tousled and his eyes were red and glistening. "Davey," she started softly, sensing something was not quite right with the man before her.

Davey stared at her. He didn’t know what to say. After what had just happened...."I'm... I'm sorry." The apology meant double for him. Looking at her, at the innocence still present on her face, he was sorry for what he'd done. What he’d wanted. It was different when he didn’t know those involved, but he did now and it was killing him. 

She smiled softly at him, touching his arm. He was close to shaking, something was very, very wrong. Pushing aside her own fears and worries, she spoke softly, "You look like you could use some coffee and someone to talk to."

Davey blinked a few times. Why did she have to be so nice to him? He didn’t deserve her kindness or her understanding. He turned to the bookshelf and took in what section they stood and quickly looked back at her, mouth open a bit in question. _Oh no_.

Aubrey noted his confused expression, shaking her head. No, this wasn't about her right now. She would be fine. Davey on the other hand..."Come on. It's my treat." 

Davey reluctantly walked with her to the coffee bar and sat down in one of the free booths. "You don’t have to, Aubrey, really." 

She smiled softly at him, "Nonsense. You bought me a cup the other day. It's only fair that I repay the favor. Besides you look like you could use someone to talk to." Turning her attention to the woman behind the counter, she placed her order. One regular coffee and one decaf. Once the coffees were made, Aubrey smiled at the woman behind the counter and paid for them. Turning back around, she made her way back to the booth handed Davey the regular coffee, settling herself across from him.

He looked down for a few moments and took a sip from the cup. "Thank you." Taking a deep breath he looked up at her. "Baby section, huh?" If she was buying it for friend, lovely. If she was buying it for herself he was so beyond screwed.

A heavy sigh fell from her lips as she placed her cup down onto the table. "God works in mysterious ways, I guess." She smiled lightly at him. This should be happy news. She was going to be a mother. Why was she so uncertain?

Davey felt as if he were going to be ill. Aubrey was pregnant and her fiancé had just come in his mouth no more than ten minutes prior. His face paled. "Does... does Adam know?" 

Aubrey shook her head, "I just found out this morning...And we...Things have been...different lately." Why was she telling him this? Davey certainly didn't need her problems, not when he obviously had more than enough of his own. 

"What do you mean different?"

She swallowed thickly, "He's distant...And he...He's not Adam anymore," she finished softly, her mind flashing back to the previous night. She'd never been terrified of Adam before. Nor as scared for him. But he hadn't opened up to her. Once his shaking had ceased, he'd pulled away from her and retreated to the couch downstairs. He'd turned away from her. And as scared as she was of him, his distance wounded her. Crushed her.

Davey looked down and knew he was responsible. There was no other explanation. "I'm sorry, Aubrey." He looked up, concerned. He'd seen Adam's temper last night and today. The next thought terrified him. If he'd caused Adam to lose it so much that he... "Aubrey, did he hurt you?"

Aubrey's eyes locked on Davey's, forcing a soft smile. "He didn't...hurt me...Just...He scared me." There was a fear in Davey's eyes that shook her to her core. "Davey, what happened to you?"

Davey looked at her. "Nothing."

"Bullshit. Talk to me. There's something bothering you, Davey. You need to talk to someone."

He sighed, looking down. "Aubrey, I... what would you have done if Adam had been married when you met him?" 

Aubrey knitted her eyebrows at the question, caught somewhat off guard by it. "I....um...I wouldn't have done anything. If he was married, he was off limits. I wouldn't allow myself to be responsible to breaking up a home or a marriage." His question seemed so random, "Davey...Did you....Are you thinking about becoming involved with a married man?" 

He looked away and bit his lip. "I kind of already did. Not married... just very involved. It was supposed to be a one-time thing. I never do relationships, but there is something about this man... I can’t shake him."

 

She closed her eyes, shaking her head, "Oh Davey." Slowly, she reached out her hand, resting it on his shoulder. "This...How did you and he get involved? Did you know he was...in a relationship when you met him?" Aubrey wasn't sure what to say to him. Whoever this man Davey found himself involved with was, it was a bad situation.

"He told me and I pursued him anyway," he whispered. He was a whore. Saying it out loud, all that he'd done, made him realize that Adam was right. He was no more than a whore.

Aubrey sighed, "I...I can't say I approve of what you've done...You shouldn't have gotten yourself involved." She paused, looking him in the eyes, "But you're human. We all make mistakes. And I have no right to judge you for this. Davey, whatever you have with this man, you need to end it before you find yourself too tangled in it to find your way out."

He hung his head, allowing the first tear to fall from his eyes. "I know, but... I think I'm falling in love with him." He’d said it. Confessed it. So why did it feel as though the knowledge were still crushing him.

"Davey..." 

He took a deep breath. "I don’t want talk about it anymore," he said quickly.

The harshness in his tone startled her slightly, "O okay. I'm here though...If you need to talk," she whispered, echoing the words he’d given her the other day.

He nodded. "I appreciate it, though I don’t deserve it." He stood up and leaned down to kiss the crown of her head. He lingered for a few moments, fighting breaking down. "Thank you," he whispered before running off.

Aubrey watched Davey sprint from the booth towards the exit. His reaction puzzled her. There was something else, something more he hadn't told her. She could sense it. Staring down at the cup of coffee before her, she sighed. "Oh Davey, what have you done?"

Gathering herself and her bag, Aubrey climbed out of the booth a few minutes later, making her own way to the door. She sighed, her mind reeling. Softly she brushed her free hand over her stomach. A mother. She was going to be someone's mother. 

She'd always wanted children, so had Adam. In fact, they'd planned to start a family as soon as they were married and settled enough financially to afford to raise and care for a child. Aubrey sighed, were they really ready for this? And now Davey. She worried for him. Whatever he had gotten himself involved in, it was obviously eating away at him. Shaking her head, she climbed into her car. Life did always seem to catch you by surprise.

The drive home only took ten minutes, a fact Aubrey was grateful for. She was tired, because of the baby she reasoned. Pulling the car into the driveway beside Adam's, she shut off the engine and made her way towards the kitchen door. Aubrey unlocked the door and stepped inside. "Adam, where are you?" She asked, softly.

 

When he'd arrived home, Adam had scrambled upstairs and into the shower. Scrubbing himself raw once again, he dried himself off and made his way into the bedroom, pulling on a clean pair of pajama bottoms and a t shirt. Composing himself, Adam made his way back downstairs and into his studio, pulling the door to behind him. He wanted to lose himself in his work. He needed to. He'd just settled himself in his chair when Aubrey's soft voice carried from the kitchen. Guilt washed over him once again.

Aubrey called again for him. She needed to talk to him. Needed to tell him about the baby. He needed to know. Aubrey walked over to the studio door and knocked softly. "Baby, are you down there?" 

Swallowing thickly, Adam managed to find his voice, "Yes. I I'm in here."

"Can we talk?" 

Panic flooded through him. _She knows. Oh God, she knows_. "I I guess," he called back. She knew and he was going to lose her. He deserved to lose her. _Oh God_.

She walked over to the couch tucked in the corner of the room and sat down, both hands on her stomach. Nervousness coursed through her. She hoped he would be okay with this. She needed him to be okay with this.

With shaky hands, Adam pushed himself off of his chair to join her on the couch, settling on the far end. He couldn't touch her. He didn't deserve to. Not after what he'd done. Not after all of this. "Wh what did you want to talk about?" he asked, his voice wavering slightly. 

"Well..." She looked up with tears forming in her eyes. She was so scared to tell him. What if he didn’t want this? "I... I went to the bookstore today," she began.

Adam's blood turned to ice. The bookstore. She saw them. She knew. He could feel the bile rising in his throat. 

"I ran into Davey, by the way," she said, avoiding telling him at all costs.

"Da Davey?" Oh God, he was going to be sick.

She nodded. "He didn’t look well and I bought him a coffee this time and we talked." She was getting rather good at avoiding this issue. It was easier this way. She would tell him. She knew she had to, but she couldn’t. Not right now. 

_Oh God_. They'd talked. Davey told her. She knew. Adam was shaking, nausea and panic coursing through him. "Wh what did you talk about?" _I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm so so sorry_.

She reached out for him. "Honey, are you okay?" Something wasn’t right. Adam was pale and he was shaking. "Are you sick?"

Adam nodded. It wasn't exactly a lie.

"I'm sorry. Can I get you something?"

He shook his head. There wasn't anything anyone could do to make this better. He'd brought it on himself. Adam had everything he'd ever wanted in life and he'd thrown it all away. Another wave of nausea overtook him and he sprinted to the nearest bathroom, dry heaving into the toilet.

Aubrey shot up and ran after him. So far, morning sickness hadn’t gotten her and maybe he was feeling the sympathy pains that they say most fathers got. Maybe he didn’t have to know to feel it. Maybe he knew. Slowly she knelt down beside him and rubbed his back. "Baby."

For a moment he allowed himself to relax under her touch. Her hands were warm and soft. But reality slowly crept back in. He didn't deserve her touch or her sympathy. He didn't deserve anything other than damnation.

She took a deep breath, beginning her story once again. She needed to share this with someone. Needed another opinion and she trusted Adam and his judgment. She always had. "He's in love with an involved man and I think he's terrified," she said softly, continuing to rub his back.

Adam froze, her words slowly sinking into his mind. _In love?_ No, he couldn't be. This was another one of his games. Another one of his tricks. Davey couldn't love him. He couldn't.

"He was practically crying when he ran into me," Aubrey continued, mind falling back to the fear, guilt and confusion in Davey’s eyes. He’d looked so...broken.

Confusion flooded through Adam. This wasn’t happening. With a heavy sigh, he fell back against the cool wall of the room, his eyes shut tightly. This didn't make sense. None of this made sense.

"I feel bad for him," she said curling up next to him and laying her head on his chest.

"H he's in love?" Adam finally managed to choke out.

"That's what it seemed like. That's what he told me. He said he thought he was falling in love with the man. That he knew he'd been taken, but pursued him anyway. He said he did it to do it, but never wanted to happen more than once." 

Adam wasn't sure what to think. What to say. His head pounded and his heart raced. Davey loved him. _No, God_. This wasn't happening. _Please God, say this isn't happening _.__

__"I love you, Adam," she whispered. "Seeing Davey and the trouble he's in just reminds me of how glad I am that things are so simple with us."_ _

__

__He wanted to scream, Aubrey's words cutting him deeply. Oh God, what had he done? He wanted to die. Wanted to disappear. She loved him. Trusted him. And he'd betrayed her. Lied to her. Hurt her. He was a monster._ _

__"I feel sorry for whoever the other person is. I bet they have no clue," she continued, holding him tighter._ _

__Adam swallowed thickly, pulling himself away from Aubrey. "He should have known better. Both of them should have." He didn't deserve her pity or her understanding. He was a fraud, a cheat, the scum of the earth. Another wave of nausea flooded through him. He closed his eyes, praying that it would pass._ _

__She looked down, chickening out on telling him. "Adam?"_ _

__"Ye yes?"_ _

__"I know you're still upset about last night."_ _

__More guilt. "I...God...I didn't...I..." He was despicable._ _

__She silenced him with one finger. "Make love to me," she whispered. She trusted him and she wanted to show him that she did. Wanted to show him she wasn’t afraid. That she loved him. She wanted her Adam back._ _

__Adam's eyes widened at her request. She wanted him. She trusted him. He didn't deserve it. "I...I can't."_ _

__She looked away with tears in her eyes. They were going to have a child and he couldn’t even make love to her now. A world of confusion spread throughout her body. "Is there someone else?"_ _

__His eyes slipped slowly closed, guilt overtaking him. "Aubrey...I...I just...After what I did...I...I can't...I don't want to hurt you." Tears prickled in his eyes. Why didn't he just tell her? Why didn't he confess and let himself suffer the consequences? He was a coward. A fucking coward._ _

__"I need you," she said weakly, starting to tremble. "I miss you, Adam. I miss you and I love you and I want you inside of me. Close to me. Please."_ _

__"I just...I can't...I...I have to go." Pushing himself warily to his feet, Adam fled from the room. Grabbing the car keys and the pair of shoes he'd left by the door, he ran. He needed to clear his head. If he was going to come clean with it all, he needed to get himself together._ _

__Aubrey hugged herself and leaned against the bathroom wall. She let the tears flow freely and loudly, needing to get all of the frustration out. She loved him and she was losing him. She knew that she was. It was only a matter of time._ _


	9. Chapter Nine

Adam’s heart raced as he scrambled into the driver's seat, slamming the door closed behind him. He couldn’t think. Couldn't breath. _Oh God _. What was he going to do? Panic flooded through him. He needed to get out. Needed to clear his head. Needed to get away.__

God, he’d fucked everything up. He’d fucked up with Aubrey. _And Davey_. He couldn’t even think on it. He’d let Davey use him, fuck him. He’d wanted it. Needed it. And now everything had spiraled so far out of his control. _Loved him?_ Davey couldn’t love him... _Could he_? No, he couldn’t let himself think on it. He couldn’t.

The road twisted before him, but Adam paid it little mind. He didn’t care where he ended up. He just needed to calm himself down. He needed to think. Tears prickled in his eyes, blurring his vision. Hastily, he wiped them away with the back of his hand. He couldn’t break down now. He refused to break down now. Breathing harshly, he pressed harder on the gas.

The sun had dipped behind the hills in the distance, when Adam finally came to his senses, finding himself parked in front of a small house on the far side of town. It only took him a moment to register just who’s house it was. _Davey’s_. God, how did he end up here?

Davey sat curled up with a book in the black chair in the corner of his modest livingroom. A few candles were lit and soft music played in the background as he tried desperately to calm his nerves. He'd wanted to tell Aubrey the truth, do the right thing. However, a part of him knew that the right thing was to keep her from getting stressed. She was pregnant, he refused to risk it. No matter how badly his conscious pressed him to tell the truth. _Damn it, when did I start to care?_

Adam found himself staring blankly at the dimly lit house, his hands gripping the wheel before him tightly. How the hell did he get here? He'd never wanted to seek Davey out. He didn't want anything more to do with him. It didn't matter that his body screamed otherwise. He didn't need Davey. _Liar_ , his mind screamed, _Traitor_. 

He wanted to turn the car around, head home. Forget he'd ever come. But he couldn't. He wouldn't. Davey was inside, he could see the soft glow of candles from the livingroom window. He was there and Adam couldn’t force himself to leave.

Davey leaned his head back against the chair, closing the book. He couldn’t focus enough to read. Couldn’t shut off his thoughts. He wanted Adam. He wanted to feel his hands on his body. He wanted to be made love to. That thought scared him. Since when did he ever want things to be gentle and loving?

_Leave, Carson. Just fucking leave. Go home. Go back to Aubrey. Confess and beg for her forgiveness. You don't need this. You don't want this. Just leave_. But Adam’s body refused to act. He sat there, eyes locked on the house before him, thoughts consumed with the man inside. Why couldn’t he leave? 

Davey pushed himself up from the chair, the low hum of a car pulling towards the house catching his attention. Slowly he walked over to the window, pulled open the curtain and peaked out. His breath caught in his throat. _Adam_.

The subtle movement of the curtains in the livingroom window caught Adam's attention. He'd seen him. Davey knew he was there. Adam knew he should leave. Just turn his car around and go. But he sat there frozen. Davey had seen him. 

Slowly, Davey backed away from the curtain and walked do the front door, opening it. He had no idea how Adam had found him. How the fuck did he find him? A million thoughts swam through his mind. The only thing he could think of was the records from the college. They’d taken down his address and such for their records when they’d hired him. Maybe Adam had seen them. 

Adam's blood froze as he the front door slowly opened, revealing Davey’s slender form. _Oh God_. He couldn't move. He couldn't think. _Oh God_.

Davey stood at the door way, his shoulder leaning against the frame. His hair was down and swept to one side and his arms folded. What was Adam doing here? 

Despite his better judgment, Adam turned the ignition of the car off, slowly opening his door. Swallowing thickly, he walked up the sidewalk towards Davey. He shouldn't be here. Why the hell was he here? 

The stoic expression on Davey's face struck Adam. He looked so cold. So indifferent. There was no way this man could love him. Not with a heart of stone. It was another one of his games. Adam had been stupid to even consider otherwise.

"Why are you here?" Davey posed, his voice cold and even.

"Why did you lie to her?" Adam countered, shoving his hands in his pockets as he neared Davey, his eyes never leaving the man’s face.

"Excuse me?"

"Is all of this just a game to you? Did you just wake up decide, 'Hey I'm going to ruin some stranger's life today'?" Each word that feel from Adam’s lips was punctuated with a harsh stare. He needed to know why.

Davey looked at him, eyes cold. "I don’t know what you're talking about."

"Aubrey. Me. Are we just some sort of pawn for your twisted little game?"

"No," he said pushing off the door and walking inside, leaving the door open. His voice was cold and he was trying his best not to show any emotion. He couldn’t afford to.

"Don't you walk away from me, dammit!" Adam hissed, hand locking around Davey's arm, halting his movement. 

"What the fuck do you want from me?" He shouted, turning back to face Adam.

"I want to know why. Why me? Why the hell did you have to ruin my life?" Adam’s eyes were wide and laced with anger and confusion. 

"I wasn’t trying to. I didn’t know it would have this kind of effect on you. I didn’t plan on it having this kind of effect on you. I was attracted to you and I have always gotten what I wanted. I wanted you. I got you. It's done," he yelled, his heart breaking. It wasn’t as simple as that anymore. Everything had changed and his head was reeling from the effort.

"Done? My life is over and all you can say is it's done? I betrayed the one person I promised myself I wouldn't never hurt because of you and all you can say is it's done? No, I don't except that! You can't just go fucking with other people's lives!" Adam's chest heaved, his eyes dark and wide with fury.

Davey stared at him. "You wanted me just as much as I wanted you and we both know it! You need to just leave me the hell alone," he screamed, tears welling in his eyes. No, he was not going to lose it. If he cried it was all over.

"Fine. I wanted you! Is that what you want to hear?! Yes, I wanted you but I never...NEVER would have acted on it if YOU hadn't forced yourself on me. I hate you." Adam hissed, swallowing thickly. He stared blankly at the man before him, "I hate you."

Davey looked down and shut his eyes. "Can you just go?" He was trembling, trying his best to fight off the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. "You hate me, fine. Just leave."

Tense silence passed between the two men. "I can't," Adam whispered, "I can't." 

Davey’s eyes widened slowly, confusion shining desperately in them. "Why?"

"You told her you loved me. Why did you tell her that? Why?" 

Davey's head shot up, his eyes full of tears. He should have known she would tell him.

"Answer me," Adam pleaded, "Why?"

Davey shook his head. He couldn’t say it. Not to Adam. He turned his head back down and clenched his eyes shut to block the tears threatening to fall. _Please leave_.

Adam refused to leave. Not without answers. Not without some reason why. "So what...You can tell her all about it, but you can't give me a simple answer?" Adam's tone was indigent. "Look at me dammit. Tell me why!"

Davey looked up at him, glaring. "I told her the fucking truth," he shouted. "Is that what you wanted? I fell in love with you," he choked out as tears fell down his cheeks. 

Adam's jaw slackened, his eyes widening. "I don't understand..."

"Me either. Now can you leave?" He hissed coldly as he wiped the tears away. He needed to get his control back. Needed to calm down. 

"You love me?" Adam whispered, starting at Davey. He didn't know what to think. Davey loved him. He'd ruined his life, but he loved him. Tears burned in his own eyes. What was he supposed to say to that?

"Yes, now please go," he said, his voice was no better than a whimper.

Lowering his head, Adam nodded. He didn't know what else to do. What else to say. A jumble of emotions flooded through him but he was too conflicted to think of sorting through them. Not now. 

"This wasn’t supposed to go this far," Davey said softly.

Adam paused, clenching his fists to his sides. "Well it did." He shouldn't have come here. Davey looked up at him, their eyes locking. He knew he needed to look away, but he couldn’t. 

Davey’s eyes burned Adam. Shook him to his very core. But he couldn't tear himself away from his gaze. He hated this. All of it. Swallowing thickly, he forced himself to turn away. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"That doesn't fix anything," Adam whispered somberly. Nothing would fix this, he knew it. Everything he'd worked so hard for, everything he loved was gone. And he could only blame himself. He’d let it happen. He was weak, tempted, and it would cost him everything.

"You can go back to your life with her. You never have to see me again," Davey told Adam, studying his face. _I need you to see me_.

"She'll never forgive me for this. I can't forgive myself for it. It's over, all of it. Done," he hissed, tossing Davey's words back at him. 

"She never has to know. I won’t tell her," Davey assured him. "I don’t want to see her hurt."

Adam shook his head. "I won't lie to her. Not again I’ve lied to her enough. I can’t do it anymore. She deserves better than that."

"You can’t tell her now." Davey pleaded, his thoughts immediately went to the baby. If Adam told her, it could be a disaster. He couldn’t ruin this too.

"I can't lie to her," Adam protested again, his voice soft. Aubrey deserved to know the truth. She deserved someone better than him. 

"Adam, you can’t tell her!" 

"It's none of your business anymore, Davey. You said so yourself." Adam shook his head. "I refuse to lie to her anymore."

"Adam..." Davey looked at him, eyes pleading for him to understand. It wasn’t his place to tell Adam about the baby. He shouldn’t tell him. Aubrey needed to tell him but he needed to know.

"What, Davey?" Adam hissed, "Why do you care? It has nothing to do with you anymore."

Davey’s eyes lowered to the ground briefly before rising to lock on Adam’s once again. "I... she... she's pregnant, Adam,” he whispered, "You can’t fucking tell her."

Adam’s eyes widened as Davey’s words slowly registered in his mind. "She...What?" No, she couldn’t be. He would have known.

"She's pregnant," Davey said again, softly

Adam shook his head in disbelief, "No."

Davey nodded. "Yes, she is. She told me at the book store. You're going to be a father, Adam." 

"She she told you?" Adam choked out. _Why would she...Why him? Why didn’t she tell me?_

Davey looked at him, nodding softly. "She had a baby book in her hand. I asked. She told," he said coldly.

"She would have told me," he whispered, shaking his head, "She would have told me."

"She just found out this morning."

A wave of nausea overtook Adam. If she just found out that meant she was...The implications knocked the wind out of him. "Oh God." Adam felt his knees start to give under him. He could have hurt her, hurt their child. "Oh my God."

"Adam? Are you alright?" Davey asked, his voice full of concern, a fact which surprised even him, as he placed a hand on Adam’s shoulder.

He stiffened under Davey's touch. _Oh God_. "I could have...Oh God..."

"Adam?" Davey moved closer, looking at Adam. He was pale, shaking. "Adam?" 

Tears slowly spilled down Adam's cheeks. He shrugged out of Davey's embrace, his mind reeling. What had he done? Oh God, what had he done?

Davey stepped closer still, despite Adam’s pushing him away, and wrapped his arms around him. He had fucked everything up. He'd never meant for this to happen, none of it. He never meant to hurt this man. 

Adam sank slowly to the cold concrete beneath him, drawing his knees up to his chest. He could barely feel Davey's warmth against him. He could barely think straight, his mind racing.

"Hey, it's gonna be okay." Davey knelt down next to him, wrapping his arms lightly around Adam’s shaking form.

Adam shook his head vigorously.

"Would you rather I didn’t tell you?"

"She's pregnant...and I...I could have...I...Oh God...I'm going to be sick," he whispered, hand covering his mouth. Oh God, what kind of a monster was he?

Davey lifted Adam’s chin, locking eyes with the man beside him. "You want to use my bathroom?"

Adam shook his head. "I want to die," he whispered solemnly.

Davey looked down, guilt coursing through him. "You didn’t know. This is my fault. I'm so sorry."

Adam shook his head again. 

"Look at me," Davey pleaded.

Silently, Adam raised his eyes to Davey, guilt and uncertainty shining in them.

Gently, Davey wiped the tears from his cheek. "I can disappear," he whispered. "I can pick up and leave if that’s what you need." His face was dangerously close to Adam's as he spoke and he tried desperately to ignore how badly he needed to kiss him. To feel Adam’s lips pressed intimately against his own.

Adam shook his head, "No." Davey's fingers brushing against his cheek sent a shiver through his body that he fought desperately to ignore. "It won't fix what I've done," he whispered.

"But if I'm not here it may help," Davey told him, shifting to make himself more comfortable on his knees in front of Adam "I don’t want you to anymore hurt," he continued as he wiped away the tears that continued to spill from Adam’s eyes.

Again Adam shook his head, "You don't understand..."

"I don’t understand what?" Davey asked, cutting Adam off, his eyes searching the man’s face for an answer.

"What I did...What I could have done," Adam whispered, burying his head in his hands. He was a monster.

Davey pulled him against his chest, not used to having to comfort someone. He was the monster, not Adam. Had it not been for him, none of this would have happened. "Adam, it’s not your fault. _I_ did this. Me. Not you. Please just tell me what’s wrong. What did you do?"

"Aubrey...I didn't mean to...I was so angry and confused...I wanted to forget....and I almost...I could have..." His voice trailed off, broken by his sobs and gasps for air. 

"What?" Davey asked, confusion spreading through his voice. "What could you have done?"

"She told me to stop...But I just...I didn't hear her and I just...If I hadn't stopped I would have..."

Davey's eyes widened and he could feel the man trembling in his arms. "Adam, you wouldn’t have," he whispered. "Look at me."

Adam pulled back, refusing to raise his eyes. He was a monster. A wretched excuse for a human being. He didn’t deserve this understanding. He didn’t deserve anything

He raised Adam's face to meet his own. "You wouldn’t have." Their faces were inches apart and that alone was about to drive Davey insane. He needed him so much and he hated that he did. He shouldn’t need this. He shouldn’t need anyone.

Adam's eyes were empty, broken. He wanted to curl into a little ball and simply disappear. "You don't know that," he whispered.

"Yes, I do,” he reassured Adam, "You love her and you would have never hurt her had I not done what I did," Davey continued, softly. "You would have stopped yourself."

"But I could have. I almost..."

"Stop it!" Davey spat, cutting Adam off. "You didn’t. That's what matters." He forced Adam's eyes to lock with his. "Don’t blow it by telling her the truth. She will never know about us."

"I can't lie to her, Davey!" Adam hissed, his eyes wide, "I couldn't live with myself if I did."

"And you'd rather lose her by telling her the truth? That you wanted to be fucked another man? That you were fucked by another man," Davey shouted back. Why couldn’t Adam understand? He still had a chance to take his life back. He didn’t have to lose everything. Why the hell wasn’t Adam taking it?

"I'd rather lose her than spend the rest of my life living a lie!" Adam trembled, "I love her too much to lie to her."

"You already have been. You liked what I did to you and you hate it. Do you really think she will let you see your child if you tell her this? Adam, think about this for a minute. I have nothing to lose, but you do."

Adam chuckled darkly, "I've already lost everything."

"No, you haven’t," Davey protested. "Let me be a secret and go back to your life with her and forget I ...We ever happened," he whispered, tears filling his eyes. God, he wanted to be so much more than a bad memory. But he couldn’t. For Adam’s sake, he couldn’t. What he wanted couldn’t matter now.

"No, Davey. I'll know. It will always be there and sooner or later she'll know too. It's better if she learns the truth from me now instead of me stringing her along. Lying to her. I don't want to trap her. She deserves so much better."

Davey looked down, tears slowly slipping down his cheeks. "Do what you want." The wind blew blending their scents. Davey took a deep breath and trembled. He was addicted to the man in front of him and he had no choice but to let him go. It killed him.

"I have to Davey. I can't do this to her. I can't lie...Believe me the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt her. She's my world. I just...I can't do this to her. Not anymore." It was over, everything he’d wanted; this marriage, a family, everything, it was all over.

Davey bit his lip. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, hanging his head. He slid his hand on Adam's knee for comfort and just because he needed to touch him.

Adam shivered slightly under his touch, he stopped fighting against this reaction. He’d lied to himself one time too many and he couldn’t do it anymore. "I know. But it doesn't matter now."

Davey looked at Adam, leaning in slightly, his warm breath coming in slow pants. He needed something to take with him. Something to hold onto if he was truly going to back away from Adam completely.

Adam could feel the heat of Davey's body inching towards him, his warm breath against his skin. "Davey, what are you..."

"Please," he whispered, tears in his eyes. He'd never asked anyone for this before and he needed it more than he needed to breathe. "Please." _Don’t turn me away_.

Adam sighed, knowing what Davey was asking. What he needed. With a shuddering sigh, Adam let himself be led. Davey needed this. Maybe they both did. 

Softly, gently, Adam felt Davey's lips press against his own. A shiver of pleasure and contentment flooded through him.

Davey whimpered softly, his demeanor completely different than it had been when they first met. Lightly, he placed his hand on Adam's cheek, his lip trembling from trying to hold back his tears. He failed miserably. They rolled freely down his cheek and there was nothing he could do about it.

Raising his hand, Adam gently brushed away Davey's tears, deepening the kiss. His mind swirled in thought. He'd hated this man. Hated everything he'd done. But now...He couldn't think on it. He refused to think on it. Not now. Thinking would do him little good now. He just needed to feel.

The harsh screech of tires startled them both from the kiss and Davey jerked his head away to turn and look. A light blue car speed off down the road. He didn’t recognize it, but from the look on Adam's face and the way the man stiffened, he did. 

The harsh squeal slammed Adam back into the present. Eyes darting around, he finally settled on the car speeding away. The color drained from his face. _Oh God. Aubrey_. That was Aubrey's car. She'd seen them. The kiss. She knew. _Oh God, she knew._

Davey stood quickly. "Adam... that..."

Pushing himself to his feet, Adam sprinted to his car, ignoring Davey's call. Oh God. She knew. Guilt coursed through him. _Not like this. It isn't supposed to be like this_.


	10. Chapter Ten

_Aubrey knows_. That thought echoed in Adam's mind as he flew down the road towards the home he shared with her. She knew. She'd seen them. _Oh God, it wasn't supposed to be this way_. She wasn't supposed to find out like this. 

The drive passed him in a blur, how he'd made it safely into the driveway, he still didn't comprehend. It didn't matter. He had to get to her. Had to explain. He needed to make this right. 

 

Aubrey curled up in the chair, her arms bracing herself up. She was completely numb, unable to get her mind around what she'd just seen. Adam, her Adam, had kissed a man. And not just any man A man that she had started to consider a friend. How did this happen? Why didn’t she see it coming? _Oh God_. Her mouth fell slightly open from shock and tears stung her eyes. This wasn’t real. None of this was. It couldn’t possibly be. _Please tell me this isn’t real_.

 

His heart slammed in his chest as he climbed out of the car. The house was dark, almost as if no one was home. But Aubrey's car was in the driveway. She was there. She had to be. He didn't know what he was going to say. What he was going to do. But he refused to turn back. To run. He refused to be a coward. Not anymore. 

Swallowing thickly, Adam pushed open the kitchen door, stepping inside. "Aubrey," he called. Please talk to me.

Aubrey shut her eyes the minute she his voice filtered into her mind. The tears that she struggled to hold on to fell helplessly down her cheeks. She couldn’t move or speak. Couldn’t react. All she could do was wait for a confrontation she wasn’t sure she could handle. One she never thought she’d ever have to face. 

The silence that greeted Adam struck him harder than any physical or verbal blow he’d expected. She was quiet and it scared him. God, what had he done? "Aubrey," he called again, making his way through the darkened kitchen to the livingroom. "Aubrey, please...Just say something...Anything...God...I...I didn't mean for this to happen...I never wanted to hurt you." Please understand. Please.

She kept her head down, not even able to look up. She'd trusted him with everything and he'd betrayed her in the worst way possible. The one person she’s trusted above all others had done this, she couldn’t begin to wrap her mind around it. She didn’t want to.

Adam could make out the outline of her trembling, huddled in the chair, through the soft light moonlight pouring into the room. Her knees were pulled to her chest. Oh God, what had he done? "Aubrey," he whispered again, making his was slowly to the chair and kneeling before it. Hesitantly, he placed his hand on her knee. 

"Don’t touch me," she spat out angrily, though her voice was still quiet. 

He pulled his hand back, not wanting to hurt her anymore. He'd done enough. "I'm sorry."

She laid her head on her knees. "Why? Am I not good enough?"

"Aubrey, it...It isn't you...God, you're perfect...I just...I didn't plan on this...I didn't want this...God, I never wanted to hurt you. I know you hate me...I don't blame you. I just...You have to know I never meant to do this," he whispered, his eyes locking on her lowered face. Adam wanted to pull her into his arms and hold her but he knew he'd lost that right the moment he'd allowed Davey to touch him.

She started to cry harder. "I trusted you, Adam. I gave you everything." Finally she looked up at him. She still loved him. Maybe there was some hope in forgiving him if it was just..."Adam, tell me it was just what I saw. That is was only a kiss." 

Adam's eyes slipped closed, guilt coursing through him. "I...I can't." 

A harsh sob fell from her lips. "Oh God," she whimpered. "You... you slept with him?" She couldn’t get her head around that. Adam wasn’t gay. Was he? She'd known him all her life. He wasn’t. She knew him. How could Davey have persuaded him to do this, especially when he was already in love? The next thought hit her like a ton of bricks. "It's you he's in love with," she said, her voice full of shock and disbelief.

He let loose a shuddering breath, his eyes slipping closed. "We...we did. But I didn't...I hadn't...I'm so sorry." The words weren’t enough. They would never be enough. He knew that, accepted it, but he meant them. He had to say them.

Aubrey stared at him in disbelief. She was drawing a blank. No words came to her at all. She dropped her feet to the floor and stood. "How could you do this to me? You were raised better than this! It’s wrong, Adam," she whispered harshly, pain, anger and humiliation coursing through her. She hated this. Hated all of it. 

Each word that fell from her lips gutted him. Echoed his own fears. "I don't know. I wish to God I'd never met him. Bree, you have to believe me, I didn't do this on purpose. I didn't want this. I just...I don't know," he whispered, feeling the tears coursing down his cheeks. 

"Was it just once?" She stared down at him with tears in her eyes. 

Adam swallowed thickly, his eyes slamming shut. "No." He wanted to die. God, he'd rather die than hurt her like this. 

Her hands covered her face and she walked back and forth across the living room a few times before stopping. Roughly she swiped her fingers through her hair. "How many?" 

"Once...Yesterday at-at the college...and then today at the...At the bookstore.."

She clamped her eyes shut. "You... you were going..." There was nothing she could do to stop the anger from boiling over. "You were going to fuck me after you fucked him!" She screamed, her mind flooding back to the previous night. He’d... "How could you be inside someone else and then come home to be inside me?"

"I didn't...He..."Adam choked out without thinking. Oh God. He was going to be ill. Why did he say that? Why?

Aubrey felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her. Davey had been inside Adam. He'd submitted completely. Given himself completely. "He... He was inside you and you have the nerve to tell me you didn’t want it?" 

Adam shrunk back. He wanted to die. "I didn't...He kissed me...Touched me...And I...I just...I fucked up. I never wanted to hurt you..." I'm so fucking sorry.

"Don’t fucking lie to me!" She screamed, pushing him back roughly. "You went back for seconds. You couldn’t make love to me, but you go to his house." She was shaking. "I am pregnant with your child, but I'm sure you know that now." How could she have trusted Davey? How could Adam have done this to her? It didn’t make sense. No of it did. Why? 

Adam stumbled backwards, latching onto the side of the couch to regain his balance. "I didn't plan on this, Aubrey! It just happened. I didn't touch you because I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't let myself use you like that. I'd rather DIE than do that to you. I don't fucking know HOW I got to his house. I DIDN'T go seeking him out! I just...I..." 

"But you wanted to do it last night," she screamed. "You were ready to go last night after you were with him."

He trembled, his guilt overtaking him once again, "He did things to me...I just..And I couldn't...I wanted to...I don't know what happened to me...I could have..." Tears choked his voice. He could have destroyed the only person that had ever really mattered to him. 

"A good whore usually knows what to do," she spat. She’d never been this spiteful, this angry. But she was hurt and she needed to lash out. Trembling, she wrapped her arms around herself. _Why is this happening?_

Shaking, Adam turned to face Aubrey once again. He'd brought this on himself. All of it. He knew that. But Davey had...No, he couldn’t blame Davey for this. Not fully. He should have known better. He could have fought him off. He should have. But he didn’t. He’d wanted this, deep down he’d wanted it. "He pushed me, yes," Adam began, his voice shaking, "But I gave in. I didn't want to. I tried so fucking hard not to. But I did. And God knows I hate myself for it! I wish to GOD I could take it back. I'm sorry. I know those words mean shit to you but I'm so fucking sorry. Bree..."

"What?" Her voice was cold as she locked eyes with him. 

"I fucked up, Bree. I hurt you. And nothing I can say or do is going to fix that. I just...I wanted to tell you. I planned on telling you...I couldn't keep lying. Not to you." He needed her to understand.

"I asked you point blank if there was someone else and you said no. You lied to me then," she said, turning around. "I can't even look at you. I'm going to my mother’s." She started to walk towards the bedroom. "You can go to your lover’s." 

"I was scared. I should have told you, I know that. I just...Everything is beyond fucked up and I know its my fault...I just..." Adam's voice trembled, "Whatever happened between him and I is over. It never should have happened."

"Adam... you let him fuck you twice." Her voice shook. "Twice he was inside you." 

"He only...We only...Once.." His voice wavered slightly. Why was he doing this? 

She snapped around. "You said twice."

Adam closed his eyes, he shouldn't have said anything. She didn't need to know the details. "Today he...we..." God, why did he have to open his mouth?

"What?" She wanted to know. It couldn’t possibly get any worse...Could it?

"We didn't sleep together," he whispered.

"Then what?" Her eyes were burning into his. "You can’t tell me anything that will break my heart any more than you already have." 

"Davey...He...He was on his knees." Adam's stomach turned slightly as he finished, hating that he had to tell her. She shouldn’t have to know the details. He didn't want to do this to Aubrey. Not now. Why did he open his fucking mouth? "I'm so sorry."

She closed her eyes. "Was he good?" She whispered, hurt laced through her voice. 

A shuddering breath fell from his lips, "Please don't.." He couldn't do this to her. He’d hurt her enough. He couldn’t do it anymore.

"Just tell me!" She screamed at him, her body shaking.

Ashamed, Adam nodded his head. 

"And... and the sex?" More tears fell over her cheeks, but she needed to know. She didn't know why, but she did. 

He nodded once again. "I never meant for this to happen."

"Do you love him?" She asked, her voice barely a whimper. 

Adam shook his head, "I don't love him." He lusted after Davey, but love...Not now. Maybe in time, but not now.

She took a ragged breath. Somehow she was hoping he would say yes. If he loved him, then maybe she would have a some possibility of understanding. It was just lust. "Then it was just to do it?" She was hurt and it was written on her face more so now than it had been from the beginning of the conversation. "You just wanted someone different?" She asked, tears rolling down her face. "I am so sorry I wasn’t good enough to keep you interested," she spat in tears. 

"No, Aubrey," Adam started, "I...I just...I don't know...I love you, I always will...With Davey..I don't know what this is..He...He makes me feel things I don't understand...But...It...It isn't you. Please don't ever think that. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I never deserved you...I...I just...I'm so sorry..." 

"That's not good enough," she told him. "It will never be good enough." She turned to walk towards the bedroom once again, but a sharp pain shot through her back and through her stomach, doubling her over. Her hand braced her on the wall and she screamed out. 

Panic flooded through Adam. "Aubrey!" Blindly, he raced to her side, his heart pounding in his chest. _Oh God, no. Please no. Not this. Not now_.

She whimpered and fell back against him. "Adam..." Another sharp pain pulled a louder scream from her and she clawed at his arm. "The baby, Adam," she whimpered. "I can't lose that too." 

He choked back a sob. This couldn't be happening. Not to her. Not to them. Not now. _Please God, not now_. Pulling himself together, he spoke, his voice shaking, "Can you walk, Aubrey? We have to get you to a hospital."

She shook her head no. She didn’t even want to try. Clenching her eyes shut, she turned herself in Adam's arms so he could pick her up. "It hurts," she whimpered against his neck. 

Wrapping his arms securely under her, Adam lifted Aubrey and sprinted towards the door. No, this wasn't happening. She wasn't going to lose this baby. _Please God, don't take this from us. Not because of me. Don't punish her for my sins. Please don't do this_.

She curled into him the best she could without being in pain and kept her eyes closed. She could feel wetness and knew she was bleeding. A part of her knew that she wasn’t going to be able to keep this baby. It was already too late. She clutched to him, hating that even though he’d hurt her so badly, he was still where she felt safest. 

Warm wetness spread across Adam's arm, causing his heart to constrict. _No, God please no. Not this baby. Please_. Opening the car door, he settled her onto the backseat, kissing her forehead instinctively. This was his fault. Dread coursed through him. No, he couldn't think like that, not now. He needed to be strong. Climbing into the driver's seat, Adam started the engine, backing out of the driveway and speeding down the road towards the hospital. _Please God, don't let me be too late_.


	11. Chapter Eleven

Adam’s hands shook as he stared blankly ahead at the metal and wooden double doors. A shuddering breath fell from his lips. _Oh God_. He wanted to cry, wanted to scream. But he couldn't. Why was this happening? Aubrey didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to pay for his sins. His weakness.

The doctor’s hadn’t said a word. Not in nearly forty minutes. Adam had been sitting in the barren waiting room for forty minutes and not a word. Panic coursed steadily through him. He’d lost everything. He’d brought this pain onto the woman he loved more than life itself. And there was nothing he could do about it. In all his 30 years of life, he’d never felt so helpless. So lost. His life, his reason for breathing had been snatched away. No, he’d pushed it away. He’d done this.

Closing his eyes, Adam allowed his head to fall into his hands. He was at his wits end. A week ago he was happy, they both were. And now...No, he scolded himself. He had to keep himself together. He had to be strong for Aubrey. For the child they'd lost. His heart clenched at the thought. Their baby, his baby, would never grow up. Never have a chance to live. And it was his fault. All of it. Despite himself, Adam could feel tears prickling in his eyes. "Please," he whispered, clutching his hands together. "Please fix this."

Somberly, he raised his eyes towards the ceiling, a tear slowly sliding down his cheek. "Please," he whispered again. He pushed himself to his feet, silently wandering from the waiting room. Blindly he groped his front pocket for his pack of cigarettes. He needed to do something to calm himself. Something before he lost his mind. _Shit_. It was gone. 

Cursing himself silently, Adam pressed himself against the wall to his right, a shuddering breath falling from his lips as his eyes slipped closed. _Dammit all_. Raising his eyes once again, Adam focused on the darkened intricately carved door before him. He'd turned a blind eye all of this a long time ago. But now...Now, it felt as though it called to him. Another tear fell down his cheek as he pushed himself off the wall and walked into the chapel. He had nothing to lose anymore. 

\---

Davey walked into the emergency room, his eyes following Adam as he walked into the darkened chapel. He'd sat in the car, in the parking lot, for what seemed like hours, not realizing that when he’d started following Adam from his house this was where he was going. 

He’d just rounded the corner onto the empty street when he saw Adam peeling out of his driveway with Aubrey. Panic flooded through him. _Oh God, what have I done?_ He wanted to try and help, take the blame from Adam if he could. He remembered the horror that had coursed through him when he saw the two leave. The look on both of their faces had broken his heart and Davey couldn’t help but fear the worst... she was losing the baby. And he was to blame. He’d caused this

\---

The silence of the chapel left Adam unsettled. He didn't belong in here. Not after what he'd done. Long buried guilt pushed its way to the surface once more. The guilt years of his mother's strict faith had thrust upon him. He shouldn't be here. 

Shaking himself, Adam continued on towards the front row of seats, settling himself, his eyes raising towards the crucifix hanging above the pew. Closing his eyes once more, Adam fell to his knees, his head bowed. 

\---

Davey quietly pushed open the chapel door, pausing when his eyes fell upon Adam kneeling before the alter. Without a sound, he slowly walked towards him. He had to help, he was partially to blame, if not completely. Silently Davey knelt next beside him, covering one of Adam's hands with his own to comfort him. To offer his support. 

Adam jumped, startled by the sudden touch. His eyes raised, settling on Davey's somber face. He didn't say a word. He didn't know what to say.

Davey clenched his hand around Adam's holding it tighter. He didn’t speak. All he wanted was to be was supportive. To be there for Adam. Adam someone and he was here. He could do this...He hoped. Unable to look at Adam anymore, the guilt beginning to get the better of him, Davey lowered his eyes then slowly raised them back up to the alter.

"I don't want to lose her," Adam whispered, breaking the silence that had befallen the two men. His eyes were shut tightly as he fought to hold off his tears. He had to be strong. He had to be. 

Davey bowed his head, the words echoing in his mind. He let the tears he'd been holding silently fall. "I know," he whispered turning to Adam. He’d known all along.

Adam could feel Davey begin trembling beside him, "I'm sorry." He didn't know what else to say. How to react. What to think. This was his fault, everything. He’d been tempted, he’d given in. He’d brought all of this on himself. He knew that now.

"What for?" Davey’s voice was soft, quiet.

"Everything."

Davey turned back to the alter. "You did nothing wrong. It was my fault. All of this was my fault."

"I should have said no. I should have turned away. I did this." Adam whispered, tears prickling in his eyes, a shuddering breath falling from his lips.

Davey closed his eyes. "I was the one pursuing. I was the one who pushed you. I did this, Adam. Not you. I'll burn in Hell for what I've done to both you and Aubrey. I was selfish and I’m so sorry," he whispered, the tears still falling. 

"We both will," Adam answered somberly. And he deserved it. He deserved to burn in Hell for all the hurt and pain he’d caused. For his weakness.

Davey's hand still rested on Adam's. As much as he needed to, he couldn’t let it go. He didn’t want to let him go. He couldn’t. "Did she... the baby..." 

Adam's heart constricted, his eyes slipping closed once again. "I don't I don't know. The doctors haven't..." his voice trailed off, tears streaming down his face. _Please God, I'll do anything...Just save her. Save them...Please_. 

Davey slid his hand from off of Adam's and wrapped his arms tightly around the trembling man, pulling him close. He sat back on his feet, pulling Adam closer to him, letting him fall apart in his arms. Adam needed this. 

Adam allowed himself to be pulled into Davey's arms without protest. He needed this. Sobs wracked his trembling form. _I'm sorry_ , he pleaded silently. _I'm so sorry_.

Softly Davey petted his hair back and slowly rocked him. "Everything is going to be okay. She loves you, Adam. It will be okay." Instinctively, he kissed Adam’s temple to comfort him.

Adam shivered as Davey's lips pressed softly against his temple. He didn't deserve this comfort. "I can't lose her, Davey. I can't."

"You won’t, Adam," he said softly. He swallowed hard as he spoke the next sentence. "You were meant to be with her."

"I I..don't deserve her," Adam whispered, his fear overtaking him. 

Again, Davey kissed his temple. "Yes, you do."

He shook his head, arms wrapped tightly around himself.

Davey tilted Adam's chin up to lock eyes with him. He closed his own for a moment to gather himself, wanting nothing more than to kiss the man before him. When he opened them again, he took a deep breath. "Adam...you love her. She loves you and with that you can make it through anything."

"You don't know that," Adam choked out.

Davey slid his arm from around Adam and let him sit up. He didn’t know what he could say to help. He didn’t know how to fix this. "Maybe I should just go. I'm not helping anything." He didn’t need to make this worse.

Adam's eyes locked on Davey's face. He didn't want to be alone. Not now. "Please. Stay."

Davey looked at him. He didn’t say a word. He just nodded. Again he took Adam's hand in his, holding it. "I want you to be happy."

Adam shivered. He didn't know if he could ever truly be happy again. Not after this.

Davey leaned his head against Adam's and stared at the candles burning on the alter. He didn’t want to ask this question but he needed to hear it. He needed to know. "How much do you regret me?" 

Eyebrows knitted in confusion, Adam pulled back from Davey's warmth, his eyes locking on the man's face. "What?"

Davey swallowed hard and looked down. "How much do you regret me? Us?"

He was dumbstruck for a moment, eyes never leaving Davey's face. He regretted what had happened between them; that he couldn't deny. It was the wrong time. The wrong circumstances. The wrong everything. He felt something for the man at his side, he knew that, but this was wrong. All of it. "I...We never should have happened."

Davey clenched his eyes shut, tears falling. All he could do is nod.

"Another time...Maybe...But we just...We shouldn't have..."

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, finally breaking himself. His entire body was trembling and all he could do was cry.

Adam closed his eyes for a moment before raising them to Davey once again. "We can't take it back. Don't apologize for something neither of us can change."

"But you would if you could. I'm sorry," he said, continuing to sob.

Adam remained silent, knowing that he would have taken it back if he could. He swallowed thickly, "I'm sorry too."

Davey wished he'd never fallen in love with Adam. That this had just remained a game. He couldn’t do this. His heart was completely shattered. "I never do this. I promised myself I would never do this."

"Do what?" Adam question, not wanting to push but somehow sensing the man's need to talk.

He wiped his eyes and looked up. "Nothing. Nevermind." He was trying so hard to be cold about everything, to not let Adam any more than he already did. He couldn’t afford to. 

"Talk to me." Something in Davey's tone struck him. There was more to this man than he'd probably ever begin to understand.

"I never wanted to fall in love. I watched my mother do it and lose the man she loved. I watched her heart break. Her world shatter and I vowed I would never do that," he whispered, swallowing hard. "Then you came along and at first you were a game. It didn’t matter. And then..." Davey’s voice trailed off, horror coursing through him. He didn’t know why he just let all of that out. Why he’d confessed this to Adam. Regret consumed him. He should have just kept his mouth shut. Adam wasn’t going to care. Adam had no reason to care. 

Adam stared at Davey's trembling form, guilt washing over him all the more. Another life he'd ruined. "I..I'm so sorry...I...If things were different...If I didn't..."

"No, you wouldn’t," Davey said cutting him off, anger and guilt coursing through him. He was a horrible person. "I'm a whore. You said so. You would have never fallen for me."

Hearing his words hurled back at him cut Adam deeper than he cared to think on. "I...I didn't mean it. I was angry, confused. I wanted to blame someone. I blamed you. I shouldn't have. If anyone is a whore here, it would be me."

Davey paused, Adam’s words startling him for a moment. Closing his eyes, he whispered, "Did you feel anything for me?"

Adam nodded.

"Besides hatred," Davey continued, looking away. He needed to know this. He needed to undestand.

"I hated myself, not you."

"Liar!" Davey hissed, his eyes darkening. "You said it! I heard every word you said from ‘I hate you’ to ‘you’re a whore’ and you meant them. You meant every syllable."

Adam straightened, both hurt by and understanding Davey's outburst. "No. I hated myself because I wanted you. Because I wanted something that I've been taught from day one was wrong and immoral. I wanted whatever you'd give me and it terrified me."

"Well you got what you wanted from me I suppose," he snapped, his voice slightly more venomous than he'd intended. 

Shaking his head, Adam pulled himself to his feet. He couldn't do this. Not here. He couldn’t handle another fight. Not now. Not in this place. He’d condemned himself enough.

Davey lowered his eyes. "I'm sorry." He pushed himself up. "I didn’t think it would be so hard losing what I never really had."

"I'm sorry. I wish I could...I..I just..."

Davey leaned in and kissed the corner of Adam's mouth. He lingered for a moment, unable to pull away. 

A shiver ran through Adam's body and he fought against his body's desire to turn into the kiss. No, this wasn't right. This didn't feel right. He couldn't do this. Pulling back, guilt in his eyes, Adam whispered, "I'm sorry."

Davey nodded and looked down. "I do love you," he whispered.

Adam's eyes slipped closed, "I know."

Davey wiped his eyes, the tiny bit of liner he was wearing smudged more and more with each tear. "I hope Aubrey is alright," he whispered. "And the baby."

A shuddering sigh fell from Adam's lips. "I…I have to go," he whispered, turning towards the doors. He couldn't be here anymore. He needed Aubrey. Needed to know she was alright. _Please, God let her be alright_.

Davey nodded and turned back to the altar. "Please God," He started, eyes slipping shut, "If you're up there, please don’t take this from him. He needs her. Please."

Smiling softly, Adam made his way from the chapel back towards the waiting room, praying he would hear something. Anything. _Please _. A shiver ran through him as he made his way back into the sterile feeling room. _Please_.__

The double doors swung open reveling a man, no older than his mid-forties, dark hair peppered with gray and a worn, stoic expression painted across his face. His white lab coat rustled softly with each step he took, his eyes searching the waiting room. "Adam Carson?

Adam's head snapped up, his eyes falling on the man standing before him. "I I'm Adam." Panic rushed through him for a moment. _Oh God, please let her be alright_.

The doctor took a deep breath and walked over to him. He extended his hand. "I'm Dr. Miller. Are you her husband?"

Adam shook his head, "I'm her fian..." His voice trailed off, unsure of where they stood. "No, I'm not her husband."

Dr. Miller’s eyes clouded for a moment, before clearing again. "Are you the father of the baby?"

dam nodded silently.

The man placed his hands in his pockets. "We were able to stop the bleeding and save the baby. It was close, way too close." He paused. "We’re going to keep her here for a few days, make sure she doesn’t have any more problems."

Adam’s eyes widened, almost afraid to believe the doctor's words. "She...they they're okay?" he managed to choke out.

"Yes. They will both be fine with any luck. We just have to keep her here to make sure. You can see her if you like." 

Adam's legs nearly gave out beneath him, relief, joy and elation flooding through him. They were okay. They were both okay. Silently, Adam nodded. He needed to see her. Needed to know for sure.

The doctor smiled. "She's through there, third door on the left," he said point at the double steel doors.

Nodding, Adam tore past the doctor, through the doors and down the hall. She was alright. His Aubrey was alright...They both were.

\---

Aubrey lay in the hospital bed asleep, her head to the side facing away from the door. Her hair was fanned slightly over the pillow. She held her stomach protectively as she slept. 

Adam’s breath hitched as his eyes fell upon Aubrey's sleeping form. She was alright. _Thank God_. Silently, so not to wake her, Adam made his way into the room, settling himself in the blue chair near the bed. He couldn't take his eyes off her sleeping for.

She was alright.

Aubrey heard the chair scrape on the floor and she slowly opened her eyes, locking them with Adam's. 

"Hey," he whispered uncertainly.

"The baby?" She whispered, unsure.

"Our baby's alright," Adam told her with a small smile. Their baby.

She closed her eyes in relief, tears prickling through her lashes. "Thank God," she whispered. 

Reaching out hesitantly, Adam placed his hand over hers, squeezing it gently. He was overstepping his bounds and he understood that, but he needed to touch her.

She looked at his hand and then looked at him. Her entire body shivered when he touched her and she despised that it did. She wanted to hate him but she couldn’t as much as she tried. Slowly she turned her palm over to let him lace their fingers. She didn’t need a confrontation right now. She just needed him.


	12. Chapter Twelve

Davey waited patiently outside of Aubrey's hospital room for Adam to leave, his mind racing. He stayed out of view, not wanting to be seen, he didn’t need another run-in with Adam. Not now. Once Adam had left the room, he made his way to the door. Davey knew that he shouldn’t be there, not after all that he’d done, but he needed to apologize to her. Needed to make things right. Slowly, he opened the door and stepped inside.

Closing her eyes, Aubrey settled back against her pillow, grateful to be alone again. Her mind raced. Adam, her Adam, the man she loved more than anyone else in this world, had betrayed her. Lied to her. She didn't know what to think, how to feel. She loved him yet she hated him for this. For hurting her. For lying. For cheating. She was so confused. _Why?_ She cursed silently, _why?_

Her hand fell to her stomach, a few tears stinging in her eyes. This baby, their baby...She could have...She almost...Aubrey wasn't sure what she would have done if she'd truly lost this child. If she’d lost everything. She couldn’t bear to contemplate it. The soft turning of the door handle caught her attention. Opening her eyes, she turned to face the door. Her eyes narrowed as they fell on Davey's form. 

"Aubrey..." His dark eyes locked on hers softly, bracing for whatever was to come from her. 

"Get out." Her voice was cold, harsh. She’d never been this way. Not to anyone. The better part of her knew it was wrong, that she should be handling this better. That she could handle this better. But she didn’t care. He’d done this. Brought this hurt. And she hated him for it. Hated him more than she cared to think on.

Davey quietly shut the door before turning to face her once again. "Aubrey, please," he started, "I know you don’t owe me anything, but please listen." 

"Why should I, Davey? Give me one good reason why I should care," she hissed, anger and hurt burning within her. She'd trusted him, cared for him. Wanted to help him. And this is what he did to her. He fucked her fiancé. Lied to her face. Manipulated her. She couldn't accept that.

His gaze fell down to the floor as he took a step towards the bed. The tears were already welling up in his eyes. "Aubrey, I feel horrible for what I've done. I am so sorry." 

"Sorry isn't good enough. Sorry doesn't fix anything! It doesn't change the fact that you lied to me. That you manipulated me," she paused, tears streaming down her face, "...You got what you wanted, didn't you? I hope you're happy."

Davey looked up, her words like a slap, and walked over to her. "No, you were hurt and I didn’t want that. I made a play for him before I knew you and... God, I am just so sorry." His own tears fell over his cheeks. "I never wanted you here, I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted you to find out."

"I trusted you. I trusted both of you. And now...I...Just leave." She couldn’t handle this, not now. She needed to be alone. Needed to think. Why wasn’t he leaving?

"I know." He paused. "You are his life, Aubrey." She needed to understand. Needed to see. Adam loved her, needed her. And even if it killed him, Davey was going to fix this. He had to.

Her eyes slipped closed once again and she turned to face away from the door. "I don't know if I believe that anymore."

He sat down on the bed, carefully, trying his best to not disturb her. "Please believe that you are," he whispered.

"If I was then how could he do this to me? How could he throw everything away? And for you."

Davey looked down. He felt lower than shit and her comment certainly didn’t help. But he understood where she was coming from. "I... I seduced him, Aubrey."

"He still gave in. He made that choice. Clearly what we shared didn't matter enough to stop him." Her heart ached, her head pounding. Confusion, anger and dozens of other emotions flooded through her.

"He loves you," Davey stated again.

"And apparently that wasn't enough."

Lightly, he touched her hand. "Aubrey, he went to the chapel."

She jerked her hand away. "Don't touch me." His words slowly sank in. Adam had gone to the chapel...For her. She didn't know what to think. What to make of that. He’d turned his back on his faith for so long and now he’d gone back. For her. 

Davey looked away. "He was devastated at the thought of losing you or the baby." Nothing could even describe what he felt right now. He was nothing. He'd ruined a beautiful relationship. And for what? A quick fuck? What kind of a vile creature was he?

Aubrey curled into herself as confusion overtook her. She wanted to hate Adam for this. It would be so much easier if she could hate him. Why couldn't she hate him? _Because you love him and you always will_. 

"I never meant to hurt you. Please believe me. You don’t deserve this," he whispered. Davey swallowed hard as he spoke the next line. "You two belong together."

She shook her head. Loving Adam and trusting him were two completely different things. She loved him, she knew that. Understood it. Accepted it. But the trust they'd shared had been broken, severed and she wasn't sure if they could build it back again. If she wanted to. Tears burned in her eyes once again and she choked back a sob. 

He turned her head to face him. "Yes you do. He loves you."

"That doesn't change anything! It doesn't make it better!" She screamed, turning herself enough to face him once again, "Why are you here? Why are you doing this?"

"I needed to apologize to you. Despite what you think, I did fall in love with him and being in this room with the reason I can’t have him is killing me!" he screamed back. 

"Killing you? It's killing _**you**_?! " Aubrey hissed, her eyes seething, "I've loved Adam every day of my life for as long as I can remember. I will always love him. He's my world. My reason for breathing. My reason for everything. And he shattered all of that, everything, for you! So don't you dare tell me it's killing you?!"

Davey jumped back, the anger and pure venom in her words starling him. He’d done this to her. "I'm sorry. I wanted what you had," he said softly.

Tears streamed down Aubrey's cheeks. She fought desperately to brush them away. "Just leave. Please leave," she whispered. She wanted to be alone. She needed to be alone. She couldn't handle this. Not now.

Davey nodded and stood up. "Aubrey, I am sorry." 

"It doesn't matter anymore," she whispered, pressing her head into her pillow. She waited until she heard the door closing softly behind him before she allowed her tears to fall freely. She’d never felt so lost, so angry. And the fact that she couldn’t turn to Adam for comfort, for reassurance only pulled her sobs from her harder. Everything had changed.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

The ride home had been silent, tense. Neither had spoken a word since they'd climbed into the car and pulled out of the hospital parking lot. The silence terrified Adam. In the hospital, they'd been safe. Things had been alright. But now, now they were heading home. That safety, that security was gone. Everything had changed. 

Every few moments, he'd glance at the woman beside him, cursing himself for the millionth time for all he had done. He'd had everything and he'd thrown it away. She was alright, their child was going to be alright, but in the harsh light of day he was finally fully able understood that nothing else would ever be _alright_. Slowly, he pulled into the driveway, shutting off the engine before opening the door and making his way to the passenger side. 

Aubrey looked at him as he opened her door and slowly slid out of her seat. Still she didn’t speak. There were a thousand things she wanted to say but she couldn’t figure out had to say any one of them. She walked to the kitchen door, protectively holding her stomach. How did things get like this? 

Pulling his keys from his pocket, Adam made his way to the kitchen door, unlocking it and pushing it open. Standing aside, he allowed Aubrey to walk into the darkened house. His eyes fell on her retreating form, guilt and fear holding his tongue. He wanted to apologize, tell her he loved her. That he never wanted this to happen. A sigh fell from his lips. He was a coward.

She walked inside and sat down on the couch, staring at the wall. These walls at one time held her security and now they were just...walls. There was nothing special inside of them anymore. She didn’t have a home. It was a house. She didn’t have a companion, a friend, a lover. She had a roommate; someone she barely knew.

"Aubrey, I...Is there anything I can get you. Something to eat. Something to drink...." his voice trailed off. He hated this. Hated the awkwardness. The fact that she was pulling away from him. That fact that it was his fault. All of it. 

Aubrey shook her head. There was nothing he could do to undo this. To fix it. Everything she believed in had been shattered into a million pieces. She couldn’t even bring herself to look at him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, knowing the words would never be enough. _I'm sorry I was weak. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry_.

"It's not enough," she whispered back.

"I know. I never meant to..."

Aubrey looked up at him, her eyes empty. "Why, Adam? Why did you?"

"I...I don't know," he answered, honestly. He couldn’t explain it. He didn’t understand it. _I’m sorry_.

"Are you... are you gay, Adam?" She was quiet and unable to believe she even had to ask him such a question.

"I...I just...I don't know," he answered honestly, her question shaking him greatly. Was he gay? Fear and confusion coursed through him. He didn’t know and that fact terrified him all the more. "I...I've never...Not before him...I just..."

"What was it about him?" She wiped the tears that were starting to form from her eyes and looked at him, waiting for her answer. Asking him this killed her, but she needed to know. She needed to understand. Why this? Why him? 

Adam's eyes slipped closed, a shaky breath falling from his lips. "I don't know." Davey had captivated him from the moment their eyes locked. There was something about him that had drawn Adam in, snared him. He didn't understand it. Davey was beautiful yes, feminine in a way, but still undoubtedly masculine. He was the unknown. Tempting. Alluring. And he allowed himself to be caught. To be pulled in. "I don't know." 

"How can you let him...How could you touch him and not know why you are? This doesn’t make sense, Adam!" she cried.

"I don't know!" he screamed, frustration and confusion lacing his words. "I don't fucking know!"

"Don’t fucking scream at me! You fucked this up not me!" She glared at him. "I am not the one who slept around with a whore and ruined something that took years to build." 

"I know I fucked up, Bree! Don't you think I get that? I fucked everything up and I'm so fucking sorry! I never wanted this to happen! I didn't ask for it!" 

She stood up and pressed her body to his, shaking in anger. "But you sure as hell didn’t do anything to stop it," she hissed.

Adam stared, dumbfounded. She was right. He could have stopped it. He could have fought Davey off. He could have pushed him away. But he hadn't. He'd wanted it. Wanted it. Tears formed in the corners of his eyes. He wanted to die.

"Go," she whispered.

"Go?" he echoed, dumbly, not quite sure of anything at the moment, least of all her words.

"You aren’t sure where you want to be or who you are. How can we work if you don’t know what you want?" she whispered. She wanted him, wanted their family back, more than anything. But she couldn’t not if she didn’t know. Not if _he_ didn’t know. She couldn’t trust him, not when she feared he’d betray her again. It had happened so suddenly, so unexpectedly, before, how could she fully trust that he wouldn’t do it again if she didn’t know?

"I love you...I don't...I can't lose you," he choked out, tears slowly streaming down his face.

She looked down. "I can’t be with you if I constantly have to wonder if you are wanting something else. Someone else," she whispered. "I do love you despite the fact that I wish I could hate you." She paused for a moment. "Go to him," she whispered. 

"No," Adam choked out, shaking his head, "I can't...Please..."

"Why? Are you that scared you are going to want him?"

"I can't lose you. I can't lose this..."

She took a deep breath. "Adam, there is a possibility we will never have what we did. I know we never will if I am not sure that it’s me you want."

"I...I want you. I love you," he pleaded. She was his world. His everything. She'd always been there. He didn't know who he was without her.

"Adam, if he came in here right now and kissed you, would you react?"

His eyes widened as the memory of Davey's lips against his in the chapel flashed in his mind. He didn't know what to say, he'd wanted it then. _No, please no_.

"If you don’t know, then how I am I supposed to know?" she whispered.

"I don't know."

She closed her eyes wanting desperately to touch him. "Go to him. If you've suppressed feelings for him... if you've fallen in love, you need to know. It’s only going to hurt us all more if you put it off and we find out later." She hated this. Hated the uncertainty. The fear. She hated how much she still wanted him. How much she feared she wasn’t the one he truly wanted anymore. 

Adam pulled her against him, "I...I can't."

She shivered, despite herself and looked up at him. For a brief moment she found herself completely lost in his eyes like she always did. Her breath hitched and she leaned up. Needing this.

Letting his eyes slip closed, Adam held her to him. Aubrey was warm, safe, familiar. This was all he'd known. All he wanted. Feeling her move against him, Adam's eyes opened once again. He smiled briefly, leaning down to claim her lips with his. Needing to feel this. To feel the safety and the warmth he loved.

Whimpering, she kissed back. God, he felt wonderful and she still loved him more than she could stand. Instinctively, she slid her hands up his chest, leaving them there. A flash of Davey's face came to her mind and she pushed him back gently. "I can’t. Not until you know." 

Hurt spread across his worn face. She'd pushed him away. He squeezed his eyes shut, forcing back the tears he knew would come. He couldn't blame her. 

"I love you so much. I just have to know and so do you." 

Fear flashed in his eyes, "Please..I can't...I love you...Please don't...I just..."

"Then you lose me anyway," she whispered backing up. "I can’t spend my life with a man who is unsure of what he wants."

Adam shook his head, tears falling freely, "No, please no."

Aubrey wiped the tears that flowed down his cheeks. "How am I supposed to let you in if I don’t know, Adam?" she whispered. "You shattered every bit of trust I had in you. How do I know that if you and Davey cross paths again you won’t hurt me?"

"I wouldn't...I couldn't...Not again...Please don't..."

"Prove it."

"What?" he whispered, confusion evident in his tone.

"Go to his house. Sit in the same room with him and see if you still react to him. If you don’t, then we have a starting point."

"Aubrey..." he whispered, uncertainty in his eyes.

She looked up at him, her eyes more serious than they ever had been.

"I...He won't...He won't let me near him...Not after this. Please, I'll do anything you want, I just...I don't..."

"So it’s not because you don’t want to. It’s because he won’t let you," she said.

Adam's eyes slipped closed once more, he didn't want to lie, not anymore. "Yes and no," he whispered finally, unable to look her in the eyes.

"Adam, you have to do this," she told him. "For us."

He swallowed thickly, "I can't lose you."

She leaned up and pressed her forehead to his. "What happens when you think of him?"

"I don't...I don't understand," Adam whispered.

"How do you feel when you think about him?" She asked. "How does it feel to remember him touching you?" She feared his answer. Feared all of this. _Nothing_ , she pleaded, _Please feel nothing_. 

Adam sighed, his eyes slipping closed again, his mind traveling over the memories of his time with Davey. Every touch, every kiss, every breath. An involuntary shiver ran through him. 

Aubrey took a step back and looked down, feeling the motion in his body. "That's what I thought." 

"Aubrey, no...Please..."

"Look me in the eyes right now and tell me that there isn’t one part of you that wants him."

Sighing, Adam lowered his head. "I don't want this...I love you. Please don't make me do this." His voice was soft, uncertain. He couldn’t do this. Why did she want this?

"Tell me then!" she screamed.

"I...I can't," he choked out, sobs breaking his words, "I can't."

Aubrey looked at him, her jaw dropping. Somewhere she knew, but it still hurt to hear. "You still want him?"

"I...I don't know." He brushed the tears forming in his eyes away roughly. He didn't want this. He didn't want to lose her. Lose them. Lose this family. 

"Then go," she said walking passed him. "Come home when you know what you want." 

Aubrey's name lay frozen on his tongue as he watched her walk away, collapsing onto one of the chairs, Adam stared blankly ahead, unsure of what to do. How to breathe. He couldn't do this. He couldn't go back to him. Not now. He was terrified. A strangled sob fell from his lips as fear gripped his heart. He couldn't do this.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

How he’d managed to make it from the house to his car without completely losing himself, Adam didn’t understand. How could she send him back to Davey? He couldn’t do this. Couldn’t face him. Couldn’t face this. Why couldn’t Aubrey see that? He loved her, he’d spend the rest of his life showing her that if she’d give him the chance. If she wanted him gone, he’d leave. But he couldn’t do this. 

Tears burned in his eyes as he backed out of the driveway. Why was he doing this? He should just drive to the nearest hotel, check in and forget about Davey. He couldn’t do this. _You brought this on yourself, Carson. All of it_. 

Shutting his mind off, he just drove. He couldn’t think anymore. Not if he wanted to hold onto whatever small amount of sanity he still possessed. _Just drive. Don’t think. Drive_. And so he did. The scenery passed around him in a blur. Muted colors drenched in the dim light of early evening. But he paid it little mind, pushing himself forward. 

He drove on instinct, in the back of his mind knowing just where he would end up. Just where he was headed. But he couldn’t think on it. He refused to let himself. So it was, with wide eyes, he allowed himself to realize just where he he’d ended his journey. Davey’s house. 

Davey heard the car pull into the drive way and walked out of the kitchen to look outside. He'd thought about going upstairs to throw on jeans and shirt instead of just the sweat pants he was currently wearing, but decided against it. He felt like shit, may as well look like it.

He peaked out of the tiny window and felt his blood run cold. _Adam_. Why was Adam here? _He should be with Aubrey. He shouldn’t be here_.

Adam swallowed thickly, his eyes wandering over the house before him. He couldn't do this. Why was he here? He couldn't do this. He didn't want to do this. But his body, it seemed, had a mind of its own. Unconsciously, he shut off the engine, climbing from the car. _I can't do this. I can't fucking do this_. 

Slowly, hesitantly, Adam made his way to the front door. He wanted to run, to get as far away from this as he could. But his feet wouldn't budge. His heart pounded in his chest. Davey stood on the other side of the door waiting to see if Adam would actually knock. He wasn’t going to just open the door to him. He'd done that once and it had blown up in his face. He wouldn’t do it again. 

Squeezing his eyes shut, Adam prayed that this would all just fade away. That he didn't have to do this. Didn't have to face him. _Please_. But when his eyes opened once more, the darkly painted wood of Davey's front door still remained before him. 

He turned, hell bent on returning to his car and leaving. He couldn't do this. He couldn't. But something kept him there. Wouldn't let him leave. Let him run. Dejectedly, Adam raised his hand, knocking softly. 

Davey pressed his head against the door, half hoping Adam would have gone away. Running his fingers through his hair he slowly opened the door just enough to look out. He tried his best to force his brown eyes to meet Adam's but they got about as far as his mouth before he looked back down.

Adam jumped at the sound of the lock being turned. The door slowly opened before him, the pale light from inside the house spilling out onto him. His eyes locked on Davey's face. The way his eyebrows knitted in confusion, his eyes dark and full of emotion Adam couldn't decipher as the flitted back towards the ground. The way his long hair lay rustled around his face. _Oh God_. His breath caught. No, this wasn't happening.

Davey kept his eyes averted to the ground. "What do you want?" He asked softly.

"I...I...I need to talk to you," Adam managed to choke out.

Davey opened the door hesitantly, still looking down. "Come in," he said, his voice still soft. "Aubrey and the baby are alright, aren’t they?" The familiar fear pounded in his head. _Please let the be alright_.

Adam's eyes widened as they fell upon Davey's bare chest. _Oh God_. He couldn't do this. Why was he here? "..Yes...They're..They're okay."

Davey walked over to the couch and laid down on his side, facing the muted television. He wasn’t even sure what he was looking at. It was just a distraction. Something to get his mind off Adam.

Adam stood silently in the entry way, hands fidgeting before him. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. To say. He should leave, his mind screamed for him to do just that. He'd come, talked to Davey, he'd done what Aubrey had asked. He should leave, forget this had happened. Forget Davey. Why wouldn't his feet move?

"You have to have a reason for being here. You are done with me, according to you, so why come back?"

"Aubrey."

He turned over on his back and looked up at Adam, confusion etching across his face. "Aubrey?" 

Adam nodded, unable to raise his eyes to Davey's face. He was, for lack of a better word, beautiful, laying against the muted colors of the couch. Even bare-faced and worn, Adam couldn't deny his beauty. And that terrified him. _No, God, no. I can't want this. Please don't let me want this_. He loved Aubrey. She was all he was supposed to want. To need. This wasn't happening.

Davey sat up on his elbows on the couch. "Adam, why are you here for her?"

"She she asked me."

Davey looked around confused. Adam wasn’t answering him. He sat up on his knees and turned around on the couch to face Adam. "What for?"

Adam bit his lip, trying to get a grip on himself. He wanted to run. Get himself out of there. Away from Davey. He didn't want to do this. "She she said that we couldn't...Not until I knew...I...I can't do this," he choked out, turning hastily towards the door. 

Davey jumped off the couch and grabbed his arm. "Wait," he said. "What does she want?" Adam's arm was hot under his hand and he fought back the shiver that threatened to course through him from just the one touch.

Jumping at the contact and the sudden sensations that were erupting through him, Adam stared at Davey, his eyes wide. "I can't do this," he repeated quietly, his body trembling, "I can't do this."

"Do what? You aren’t making any sense."

Davey's touched burned him. His eyes slipping closed. "This...She said...She she won't, she can't...Not until I know...what I want...I just...I don't..." 

Davey looked at Adam, lifting his hand to his face, lightly rubbing it with the pads of his fingers. "You don’t know what you want or who?"

"I..I don't...I don't know."

"Open your eyes and look at me." 

"I can't."

Davey's brow knitted in confusion. "Why not?"

"I just...I can't...I can't."

Davey stepped in a bit closer. "Why?"

"Don't do this. I can't do this," he breathed, tensing as he felt Davey move closer still.

The heat coming from between the two was almost unbearable, but Davey needed to know and Adam was avoiding an answer at all costs. "Don’t do what?"

Adam shivered before pulling himself farther away from Davey. He couldn't breathe with him so close. "Just don't."

"Adam, you came to me."

Adam wrapped his arm around himself, not knowing what to say what to do. He wanted to run, leave and never come back. But at the same time he wanted to feel Davey against him. Touching him. Feeling him. Shame and guilt coursed through him. No, he couldn't want that. He couldn't...He couldn't...

Davey leaned up and lightly placed his mouth on Adam's, giving him the tiniest of kisses. 

Shivering under the warm of Davey's lips, Adam slowly melted into the kiss. Warmth flooded through him. The kiss was gentle, chaste, but he stole his breath away. A wave of confusion swept over him. No, this wasn't right. He shouldn't feel this. He shouldn't want this. 

Davey pulled back, not wanting to be the one to initiate anything this time. He got hurt when he did that. He looked up at Adam, his breath ragged.

Adam's heart hammered in his chest, his eyes half lidded, confusion and desire flooding through him. The dazed glint in Davey's eyes sent a shiver down his spine. Oh God. He was exquisite. Tempting. Maddening. And Adam wanted him. His body screamed for him. 

"What?" He whispered. 

Even the way Davey stood shook Adam. The way his long, tousled hair framed his angled face. The lust burning in his eyes. The desire. With each pass of his eyes over Davey's smooth chest, his gorgeous face, Adam felt his control slipping. He knew he should run. Leave. But his baser desires would have nothing of the sort. He wanted Davey. Needed him. Roughly, Adam pulled their bodies together once more, crashing his lips against Davey's. He couldn't think. He refused to think. He just needed to feel.

Davey moaned and arched his body against Adam's, wrapping his arms around him. God, he felt so good. He opened his mouth immediately for Adam to deepen the kiss, refusing to do anything to push this further. 

The way Davey pressed against him was maddening. Adam threaded his fingers through Davey's hair, his tongue probing his mouth. A spark of desire shot through him, and Adam forcefully backed Davey up, pushing him towards the couch. His hands fell from the man's hair, tracing across the pale skin of his chest and back.

Davey pulled back, allowing himself to be led, and looked up at Adam with lustful eyes. _Oh God_.

Forcefully pushing Davey onto the couch, Adam slammed their lips together once more, delighting in the soft moan spilling from Davey’s lips. Adam's hands were restless, forcefully yanking through Davey's hair, needing to feel the man arch beneath him, into him. 

"Oh God, Adam," he panted, arching and turning his head to the side to let Adam have better access to his neck.

Adam greedily bit and sucked on every inch of flesh Davey revealed to him. The feel of the man's pulse thudding beneath his lips pulled a heady moan from Adam's throat.

With needy hands, Davey clawed at Adam's back. He needed him, needed to feel his skin on his. Roughly, he pulled the shirt out of his jeans and lifted it over Adam's head. "I need you inside me. Please."

Allowing his shirt to be yanked off of him, Adam felt himself buck into Davey. A groan fell from his lips as Davey's words registered in his mind. Davey wanted him inside. Was begging him for it. Gruffly nodding, Adam ripped Davey's sweat pants over his hips and down his thighs, leaving the man completely exposed beneath him.

Davey sat up and reached for the button on Adam's jeans, leaning in to kiss his stomach as his fingers worked down the zipper. Lightly he bit at the skin, pulling the material over his hips. "Lotion on the floor," he panted.

Blindly, Adam groped for the lotion, losing himself in the warmth of Davey's lips and the feel of his fingers. Finally finding the bottle, Adam stared pointedly at Davey, unsure for a moment just what to do.

"Put it on your fingers and slide them inside me. Get me ready for you," he whispered.

Adam shook his head, thrusting the bottle into Davey's hands. "You."

Davey looked at the bottle and opened it, taking Adam's hand and slicking his fingers. He laid back and placed Adam's finger just outside of him. "Push in." 

Eyes locking with Davey's, Adam pushed his finger inside. "Fuck," he hissed, the tightness and the warmth of Davey's body throwing him off balance slightly. He wasn't going to survive this. 

Davey whimpered and tossed his head back. "Oh God." 

Adam found himself mesmerized by Davey's reaction. The way he gave into him.

"Two," he panted.

Adam nodded, gruffly, pushing another finger inside Davey. He refused to let himself think past this moment. He wanted Davey. Needed to find release within him. Needed to hear him scream his name. Adam refused to think past that. He couldn't.

Another whimper and Davey clenched around his fingers. He lifted his arm and with a shaky hand he made scissor motions to show Adam what to do next.

Mimicking Davey's motions, Adam scissored his fingers, loving the way Davey's eyes fluttered closed. 

Davey pushed down on his fingers causing them to brush over his prostate. His entire body shuddered and he arched up. "Fuck. There," he screamed. 

Smirking, Adam brushed his fingers over the spot once more, shivering as Davey clamped around his fingers once again.

He screamed, tossing his head back. "God... three," he panted. 

Sliding another finger inside, Adam continued to stretch the man beneath him.

Davey ran his fingers through his own hair and pulled, swallowing hard. He wasn’t going to last long if Adam didn’t stop. "Adam... please. I need you now." 

Nodding, Adam pulled his fingers from Davey's body, his own chest heaving, This was it. 

Davey reached for the lotion and put a bit on his hand to slick Adam's cock before he pushed in. Once he did, he slid his hands around Adam's neck and pulled him down on top of him, spreading his legs a little wider to accommodate him. "Fuck me." 

Davey's dark eyes locked with his, sending a shiver of lust, and something he couldn't allow himself to focus on, through him. Steeling himself, Adam found his voice. "Flip over."

"You don’t want to look at me?" Davey asked as he turned over onto his stomach. Adam didn’t want to look at him.

Adam closed his eyes, trying his best to block out Davey's words. He couldn't face him, not like this. Not during this. It was intimate, personal and he couldn't face that. Swallowing thickly, he slowly pushed himself into Davey's body, his hands gripping tightly on the other man's hips. This was how Davey had taken him. 

A sharp cry from Davey's throat echoed around the room. He hung his head and pushed back onto Adam and gripped the couch. He felt so good. "Adam," he chanted over and over like a prayer. "Don’t stop."

Thrusting roughly into Davey, Adam raced towards release. Davey's body gripped him tightly and he could barely focus on anything but losing himself in this exquisite heat.

Davey pushed back again. "Harder," he panted. This was heaven for him and he couldn’t seem to get enough. Adam was inside of him and it was something he never thought would happen. 

Adam slammed into Davey as hard as he dared, somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he could be hurting the man beneath him. That he should slow down some. Gain some control over his manic thrusts. But his body had other plans. He was close. So close. 

Davey screamed and almost lost his balance on his arms. He pushed back with enough force to fight back, falling forwards onto the couch beneath him. 

Hissing, Adam pulled Davey roughly back against him. Roughly, he sunk his teeth into Davey's neck as he felt himself pulse helplessly within his body. White flashed before his eyes and he fought desperately to maintain his balance, failing miserably.

"Oh fuck," Davey screamed, the bite pushing him over as he came hard. He hadn’t expected it when he did nor did he expect it to be so strong. He felt his arms give out and his body fall to the couch, Adam's falling harshly on top of his.

Breathing harshly, Adam let his eyes fall closed, feeling the warmth of Davey's body beneath him. His heart thudded wildly in his chest and sweat trickled slowly down the side of his face. His body felt warm, sated and utterly exhausted.

Davey turned his head and lightly kissed the corner of Adam's mouth before resting his head against his temple. 

Adam sighed, the warmth of those lips against his sent another shiver through him. He felt happy, warm, safe. Everything he felt so acutely with Aubrey...Aubrey. His eyes snapped open, fear and guilt coursing through him. Pushing himself back violently, Adam felt the familiar panic start to seep in. Oh God. What had he done? 

Davey panicked and turned to him. "No. Don’t do this to me again," he pleaded. He sat up on the couch with tears in his eyes. "You do this every time. You get what you want and you run. Why can’t you just admit that you like men? That you like this?" 

Adam shook his head, vehemently, "No...No," he choked out, "I can't."

"You do, Adam. You were just inside of me. I am a man, Adam. Not a woman. I turn you on just as much as she does." Davey pulled his knees up to his chest. "I can’t keep being your toy. My heart is involved too and every time you tear away, you break it."

"I can't," he pleaded, hastily grabbing his jeans, "I can't."

"Goddamn it, Adam! I have never felt like a whore until I met you," he screamed, tears falling from his eyes. He shoved Adam back as he got off the couch. "I fucking hate you for making me feel like this," he screamed. He reached down and grabbed his pants, sliding them on. The less exposed he was, the better.

Adam stumbled backwards, Davey's words cutting him more than he wanted to acknowledge. This wasn't happening. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't want this. It was wrong. It wasn't him. He wasn't like this. This wasn't him.

Davey wiped the tears from his eyes. "How can you come in my home, fuck me and then act like it was a mistake? This is the third time, Adam!"

"I can't," he whispered, tugging on his jeans, his hands shaking. "I can't."

"Why?" Davey glared at him. "You feel something for me. Why the fuck can’t you admit it? It’s not fair to me, to you, or to Aubrey and your baby to hide it."

"I can't," he choked out, shaking his head. He couldn't do this. Couldn't admit to this. He couldn't be this. 

Davey pushed him back against the wall and kissed him. Davey pushed him back against the wall and kissed him. His mouth was hot on Adam’s, the kiss more to prove a point than anything. 

Adam's eyes widened, his pulse racing. Davey's lips were warm and soft against his and despite himself, Adam could feel his eyes slipping closed as he gave into the kiss.

Davey bit at Adam's mouth, rolling his hips into him. "You feel something for me," he said in between kisses. "It scares the hell out of you." 

With wide, frightened eyes, Adam stared at the man before him. "I can't want this," he breathed, shaking, "I can't."

"But you do."

"I can't," he whispered again.

He leaned forward and pressed his mouth to Adam's neck, sliding his hands over his chest. "But you do." 

Adam shivered beneath his touch. "I can't." Tears slowly welled in his eyes. His mind racing. He couldn't want this. This wasn't him. If he wanted this, he would lose everything. His life, his family. Everything. He couldn't want this.

"What do you feel when I touch you?"

Adam trembled, his eyes slowly closing. "Everything I shouldn't," he whispered, a tear trailing down his cheek.

Davey reached up and wiped the tear away. "It’s not a sin despite what you think."

"But it isn't right."

"The timing is wrong, I'll give you that, but loving another man isn’t wrong."

"If it hurts the people I love how can it be right? How can that possibly be right?"

"If I was a woman, would it make it anymore right?" Davey asked, his body still pressed tightly against Adam's.

Adam shook his head.

Despite himself, Davey leaned forward and pressed his head to Adam's chest. Even if it was only a moment, he needed to steal some time with him. He loved Adam and no matter how many times he pushed him away, he was always going to love him.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Silence fell over the two men. Davey kept his head pressed to Adam's chest, hoping with everything he was that he would be held back. He needed it. Needed this. Needed Adam.

Adam trembled, the warmth flowing from Davey's body sent chills down his spine. No. He couldn't do this. He couldn't want this. He couldn't _let_ himself want this. He pressed himself firmly against the wall behind him, wishing Davey would stop. Would back away. Adam couldn't think with him so close. He couldn't let himself feel this.

Lightly Davey ran his fingertips up and down Adam's side. "Please hold me," he whimpered. He had never begged before, but he would do so now. He needed this.

Adam shook his head, trying desperately to fight against the surge of emotion flooding through  
him. "I can't."

Davey turned his head into Adam's chest, sobbing softly. A few tears fell from his cheeks onto Adam's bare skin. "You can fuck me, but you can’t hold me?" 

Shivering, Adam fought against his innate desire to comfort the man in his arms. To sooth him, stop his tears. To fix this. No, he couldn't do this. 

Squeezing his eyes tightly shut, Adam drew in a shaky breath. Aubrey's face flashed before him, causing his chest to tighten. He'd betrayed her yet again. God, what had he done? 

Davey pulled away and turned from him. He didn’t want to be near Adam. Not anymore. Not now. Too many times he'd let Adam in only to be hurt by him. The one time he falls in love it’s with someone who refused to love him back. 

Feeling the man pull away, Adam allowed himself to slowly slide down the wall, his heart pounding. He didn't know what to do. What to think. How to feel. Everything had changed. He'd let it change. He'd wanted it. Wanted this... _No. No. Please no_. 

Drawing his knees to his chest, Adam sat blankly staring ahead, his body still trembling. His mind racing, screaming. _Make it stop. Please make it stop_.

"You have to leave," Davey whispered. His body trembled and he wanted nothing more than to make Adam admit that he wanted this, that he needed this just as much as he did, but he didn’t have it in him to fight. "I've got nothing left," he whispered somberly, brokenly.

The hollow defeat in Davey's voice rang in Adam's mind. This was his fault. Silently, shakenly, Adam pulled himself to his feet, grabbing his shirt from the floor where it lay haphazardly. Pulling the soft cotton over his head, he sighed, wishing he'd never come here. Wishing he'd never initiated any of this. "I'm sorry."

"That's bullshit. I was nothing to you but a whore. A willing slut to get you off when you wanted," Davey spat, his eyes narrowing. 

Adam cringed at those words. He'd deserved them. Deserved everything he'd been struck with. This was all his fault. 

Davey hung his head and pressed his hands on the back of the couch, letting his hair act as a curtain around his face. His body trembled and he could feel Adam staring at him. Davey knew he was moments from completely shattering. 

"I never wanted to hurt...I just...I can't do this. I can't be this. I'm not this. I can't be." The words tumbled from Adam’s lips, his hands shaking at his sides. The pain he felt radiating from Davey served only to worsen his guilt. All of this pain. Everything. He'd done it. He'd caused it. And Adam hated himself for it. 

Davey turned to him, his eyes almost black. "You are this," he hissed.

Adam shook his head vehemently. "No. No." He couldn’t be. He refused to be.

"Yes," he said walking over to Adam and cupping him roughly in his hand. "You react when I touch you and you want me. Keep denying it and you will be miserable," Davey countered, as he gently massaged Adam’s cock through the jeans.

A pathetic whimper fell from Adam's lips. Unconsciously, he pressed his hips into Davey's hand. He turned his head, eyes falling shut. Pleasure tinged with guilt coursed through him. He couldn’t want this. He couldn’t be feeling this. But his body reacted anyhow.

"Look at me," Davey hissed.

Shaking his head, Adam forced his eyes to remain tightly shut. Why was Davey doing this?

Davey slid his hand up Adam's body and into his hair, pulling. "Open your eyes, look at me, and tell me you don’t want me." 

Fighting against the maelstrom of emotions, Adam whimpered and reluctantly opened his eyes. Davey's dark, pointed stare shook him to his core. "I...I..." 

"Tell me!" the man screamed, his body shaking.

"I...I don't...I don't want you," Adam whispered, his voice wavering. Fear coiled in his stomach. He couldn't want this...He couldn't...

Davey looked at him and slid both hands up his chest. "So I could walk out of your life, you could never see me again and you would be fine with that?"

His body trembled, his mind torn. A sharp stab of pain ricocheted through him. No, he had to do this. He couldn't be this. It was wrong, it only caused hurt. He couldn't be this. 

"Answer me, Adam."

Trembling, Adam nodded. He had to do this. 

Davey dropped his hands and turned away. "Get out, you fucking coward," he whispered. "Go back to her. Lie to her and tell her that we did nothing. That you don’t want me. Think of me when you fuck her and do your best not to scream my name because you know you're going to want to." 

"I...I can't lie to her...I just...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here. I shouldn't have..."

"YOU ARE LYING TO HER THE MINUTE YOU GO BACK!" Davey stopped and stared. Yelling like that wasn’t something he did often, not unless he was fighting for something he believed in. Why he was still fighting for Adam was beyond him. "You DID come here. You WERE inside me. Fucking ME. You wanted me and you still do. You're hard and its taking everything you have not to touch me. To throw me down and take me. Just fucking admit it!"

"You don't understand, everything I have, everything I AM is gone. I can't do this. I CAN'T WANT THIS!"

Davey pushed him against the wall. "You DO want this." His eyes were on fire and his body needed to be touched but he'd be damned if he'd be used again.

"I can't! I've lost everything. EVERYTHING! I refuse to lose myself too. I CAN'T!" 

Davey paused, his expression softening slightly, "Did you ever think that you may gain something?"

"I don't deserve to gain anything. I don't deserve ANYTHING!" Adam screamed, anger, guilt and shame surging through him. "I'm a liar and a whore. I'm everything I've ever hated! I don't deserve anything but to rot in Hell for what I've done. For the innocent people I've wronged. FOR EVERYTHING!"

Davey looked him in the eyes, licking his lips before he spoke. "When you go home... what are you going to tell her when she asks if we slept together?" 

"The truth," he whispered, shamefully. He couldn't lie to her. He’d slept with Davey. Betrayed her once more. He couldn’t lie to her about that. She knew him, she’d know.

"What truth?"

"That I betrayed her. That I'm a whore, a cheat. That I'm sorry for the pain I've caused her. That I'm sorry I'm not the man I should be. That I'm every vile, wretched thing she believes me to be."

"Why did you betray her?" He was going to get the Adam to admit the truth no matter what. He owed it to himself. He needed to know. Needed Adam to know. For both the sakes.

"I...I don't...You...I don't know what you did to me. Why did you do this to me? Why?" Adam was shaking, tears streaming down his face. He couldn't do this. He knew blaming Davey for this was wrong. But he was a coward. Nothing but a coward.

"Yes is my fault," Davey sneered, "Blame the queer for turning you into one!"

Adam stared at Davey, shaking his head, his eyes full of confusion and guilt. "My fault," he breathed, voice choked with guilt, "This is my fault." 

"It’s who you are," Davey whispered softly, "You like men. There is nothing wrong with that."

"Aubrey," Adam choked out, "I love her. How can I be what you say I am and still love her?!" 

"Maybe you like both," he told him. Davey leaned up and pressed his mouth to Adam. Despite the arguing, he still needed the contact. Still needed to feel this man. 

Shivering, Adam gave into the kiss, praying that his mind would stop racing. Fear filled him. He shouldn't want this. 

Davey was careful not to touch him with his hands, just his mouth. Any further motion would be done by Adam. He had to understand who he was. 

Adam made no move to deepen the kiss. Fear stayed his hands. It terrified him just how greatly this kiss affected him. Another shiver traveled through him as Davey's tongue brushed against his bottom lip, teasing him. He shouldn't want this.

Nipping at his bottom lip, Davey pulled away, keeping his mouth close to Adam's and looking up.

Eyes slowly drifting open, Adam's gaze fell to Davey's upturned face, his heart pounding in his chest. Fear flitted across his eyes. He wanted this and it terrified him. 

The ball was in Adam's court and Davey didn’t move. His breathing was ragged and all he wanted was to be wanted.

"I...I," he began, his voice slowly trailing off. He wasn't sure of anything anymore.

"What?" He whispered.

"What am I supposed to do?" Adam's voice was low, bewildered. 

"Close your eyes and do what you want."

"How can it be that easy?" Adam whispered. How could shattering Aubrey's heart, shattering everything he knew, be that easy?

"What do you want?" 

"To feel. To understand." _To take back all this hurt. To fix all of this. He added silently. For this to make sense_.

"Feel what?" Davey was trying. Even if it wasn’t him Adam wanted, he couldn’t go back to Aubrey lying to himself. She didn’t deserve it and neither did he.

"I don't know."

"Touch me," Davey whispered.

Adam's eyes widened softly as they locked with Davey's. Slowly, hesitantly, he raised his hand, brushing the back of his fingers along Davey's jaw. 

Davey leaned into Adam's hand and sighed softly at the touch. "What do you feel?"

"Scared," he answered, honestly, his voice low and soft, "Warm," he continued, "Uncertain." 

Davey turned Adam’s head to kiss his palm. "And now?" 

A shiver trembled through him, his eyes slipping closed, "Mmm."

He moved his head back to kiss Adam’s fingertips.

Adam sighed, losing himself in the warmth of Davey's touch. In the sensations overtaking him. 

"What do you feel?"

"Lost...Found," he whispered, confused yet comforted by Davey’s warmth. It had been years since Adam had felt this. The anticipation, the desire, the fear. Everything he'd felt with Aubrey when he first realized his feelings for her. That thought sobered him. Aubrey. He'd broken her heart. Betrayed her. He'd loved her. How could he do that to someone he loved. "What if I...What if I can't do this? What if I don't deserve this?"

"Deserve what? To be loved?"

Adam nodded. How could he possibly deserve to be loved? After all the pain he'd caused. He didn’t deserve this.

 

Davey leaned up and kissed him, deeply. He loved Adam and he didn’t care about what had happened. What he’d done. He wanted to be with him. He knew he would accept Adam for who he was as long as the man admitted it to himself.

Eyes slipping closed, Adam gave into the kiss. He didn't deserve this. But he wanted it. Wanted Davey. Wanted his love. It scared him. Terrified him. He wanted everything he feared. Everything he'd been taught to condemn. 

Davey allowed himself to fall completely into Adam slipping his tongue inside his mouth, sucking it in his own. This was what heaven felt like, he was sure. 

Breaking the kiss, Adam rested his forehead against Davey's, his breath coming in heavy pants. "What are we going to do?" he mumbled softly. How was he going to face this?

Davey felt his chest tighten, his breathing stop. _We_. Had he heard that right? He opened his eyes and looked up at Adam. "What?"

"What are we going to do?" Adam repeated uncertainly, unnerved by Davey's reaction. Maybe he'd made a mistake. Maybe he shouldn't have done this.

"You and me...We?" His eyes were wide. "You...you're choosing me?" His eyes looked hopeful as he locked them onto Adam's.

"I can't...I can't promise you anything...I'm scared. This is completely out of my depth. And I just...I don't deserve this...I shouldn't have this...But I want this...I want to try..." 

Davey's eyes widen and he wrapped his arms around Adam with a grip that neither man could have broken if they tried. "Oh God."

Adam stumbled backwards, his back hitting the wall behind him with a soft thud. He let his eyes slip closed, allowing Davey's warmth to seep into him. He didn't deserve this. He shouldn't have this. But he was powerless to pull away. He didn't want to. 

Aubrey would hate him for this. For lying, for hurting her. He wished to God he could take that pain he'd caused back. She didn't deserve this. And his child, their child...Would he ever know him or her? Was this worth the cost? He didn't know, maybe he never would. But he hoped so. For his sake. For all of their sakes.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

Adam felt the familiar fear creep through him, and he fought to push it down. To push it away. He wanted this. Wanted Davey. And it scared him. Davey's strong grip on his waist, the feel of his hot breath on Adam's skin made it real. Made this real. "Davey," he whispered.

Davey looked up at him, his eyes soft and full of every emotion he felt for Adam. He loved him and his face showed it. "Yea?"

The love in the man's eyes stunned Adam. Davey loved him. He couldn't process that. He didn't deserve it. Closing his eyes for a moment to block those thoughts, Adam stared at the man standing before him. "Kiss me."

Davey looked shocked. Adam was asking him. Adam wanted this. Davey knew his breath hitched the minute the words tumbled out of the man's mouth. He'd been waiting so long to hear Adam say something like that. He leaned up without any further hesitation and pressed his mouth to Adam's lightly. 

Adam whimpered slightly at the contact, pushing the fear screaming in his mind back. He couldn't think of the consequences of this. Of wanting this. He had to feel. To see how far this went. How badly he needed this. Davey's lips were soft, warm, the cool metal of his lip ring a startling contrast to the heat. Adam didn't deepen the kiss, didn't push for more. He needed to feel. To explore this.

Davey pulled back after the short kiss, leaving it up to Adam if he wanted more. He looked up at him, eyes half dazed because of how good it felt. "How was that?" 

Slight disappointment crept through him as Davey pulled back from the kiss. "Nice," he murmured, honestly.

"Do you want another?"

Closing his eyes, Adam nodded.

Davey leaned up once again and kissed him, a little more aggressive this time but not overly so.

Allowing himself to give into the kiss, Adam's hands slowly moved from his sides to rest lightly on Davey's waist. He tilted his head slightly, losing himself in the warmth of Davey's lips. Slowly, shyly, Adam parted his lips, a soft whimper falling from them.

Smiling a bit, Davey slid his tongue just over Adam's top lip, sliding his hands up Adam’s chest and resting them on his shoulders. It felt so good to be so close and to feel wanted. 

Davey's touch felt like fire against Adam's clothed skin and he shivered beneath them. He whimpered softly as Davey's tongue brushed his lip. Unconsciously, Adam parted his lips wider, wanting more. His hands inched slowly up Davey's bare back, his fingers rubbing lightly against his skin. 

Davey moaned and slid his tongue past Adam's lips. This was what things were supposed to feel like. This was perfect. 

Shivering, Adam hesitantly brushed his tongue against Davey's. He was grateful for the wall behind him, holding him steady. Were it not there, Adam was sure he'd have collapsed by now. His wandering fingers traveled higher on Davey's back, tracing over his spine, pushing him just slightly closer. This was maddening, beautiful. He didn't deserve this. But he couldn't back off now. Couldn't push him away.

Davey pulled back softly, eyes still closed. "You feel so good," he whispered.

Adam whimpered in response, resting his forehead against Davey's.

"I don’t want to push you. We can go at your pace," he told him.

Smiling softly, Adam whispered, "Thank you." Leaning down, he softly captured Davey's lips with his own.

Davey couldn’t stop the shiver that coursed through his body when Adam leaned down. He was making the first move and it felt so good. He allowed his body to melt and just enjoy every single sensation.

Feeling Davey relax against him gave Adam the confidence to move to deepen the kiss. Like Davey had, he ran his tongue slowly over Davey's top lip, just a subtle request. Though his fear coursed steadily through him, Adam could feel his confidence grow with each kiss. Each passing minute. 

Davey opened his mouth and sighed. God, this was perfect. 

Swallowing the sigh, Adam slipped his tongue past Davey's lips, stroking it against the warm walls of his mouth. Growing bolder, he allowed one of his hands to thread through Davey's hair. 

No longer able to control himself, his hips arched and his erection pressed firmly against Adam's thigh. He wanted him so badly he could barely stand it. 

A strangled whimper fell from Adam's lips as Davey pressed against his thigh. Breaking the kiss, Adam gulped down several breaths of air. "Oh fuck," he hissed.

Davey pulled back. "I'm sorry," he said quickly.

"It's..It’s okay...I just..."

"I'm not trying to push, but you feel so good and..."

Resting his head back against the wall, Adam fought to gain control over his body and his racing mind. He wanted this. His body all but screamed for it. But it still frightened him. "I know. It's okay. I'm okay. But I think...I think I need to sit down."

Davey nodded and moved away from him, looking down. He felt ashamed for wanting him and didn’t go near him to sit down. He just watched from where they had been standing. 

Adam sat for several minutes, his head resting back against the back of the couch. Body somewhat under control and his mind together, he opened his eyes, allowing them to fall on Davey's rigid form. Guilt and fear hit him once again. What if he'd read this wrong? What if he was making a huge mistake? Shaking his head to clear away the thought, he allowed his eyes to rest on Davey once again. "Why are you so far away?" he whispered, voice soft, uncertain.

"I... I didn’t know if you wanted me near you," he whispered.

"I did..I..I do...This is just...It's a bit overwhelming," Adam answered, honestly.

"I understand and I don’t want to push you," he said swallowing hard. "I want you and I don’t want you to feel pressured."

"Come and sit down. You’re making me nervous,"Adam joked, softly, hoping to relieved the tension

Davey did as he was asked and sat down next to Adam. He just wanted this so much and he was terrified Adam was going to change his mind.

Maybe he was wrong. Maybe Davey didn't want this. Adam's heart sank slightly at the thought. He clasped his hands in front of him, tightly, his confidence slowly draining. What if he was wrong?

"Please don’t run from me," Davey whispered.

Adam turned his head slowly, eyes locking on Davey. "Why are you so afraid?" he asked honestly. The moment the words fell from his lips, he regretted them. _Stupid, Carson. You are so stupid_.

"You always run," he said looking down. "I want you to make love to me so badly but I’m so scared to ask because I know you’ll run when you are through with me." 

Guilt coursed through Adam, his eyes falling to his hands. Absentmindedly, he played with the seam of his jeans. Davey was right. All he'd ever done was use him and run. True he'd been the one used first, but he'd gone back for more. Pushed for it then ran as soon as he'd gotten it. He was no better than a bully. A whore. A coward. "I'm sorry."

"Don’t apologize. I assume I came across as a whore."

"That didn't give me the right to treat you that way," Adam whispered, "Why Davey? Why do you want me? You shouldn't want me. Not after all I've done." He couldn't understand it. He wasn't sure if he ever could.

Davey smiled softly. "I just fell in love. I never wanted to. I just did."

"I don't understand..."

"What don’t you understand?"

"Why," he answered, softly, "I don't deserve..." Davey leaned in to kiss Adam, silencing him. The kiss caught Adam off guard, his lips parting softly. Davey moaned and deepened the kiss a bit. He needed this and just hoped Adam didn’t mind.

Adam parted his lips a bit more, sinking into the kiss. His hand rested softly on the back of Davey's neck, rubbing the soft skin he found there lightly. Kissing Davey was beautiful and he paid little mind to the doubt whispering in his ear. 

"Make love to me," Davey whispered against Adam's mouth.

Freezing slightly, Adam's eyes fluttered open. "Are you...Are you sure?" Uncertainty flooded through him. They'd fucked twice, yes, but Davey wanted him to make love to him. Make love. What if he couldn't do this?

Davey nodded and got up, taking Adam's hand. "In my bed." 

Silently, Adam allowed himself to be led. He forced himself to focus on the warmth of Davey's hand and not the melee of confusion and emotion running through his mind. This wasn't just sex anymore. It wasn't fucking. There were feelings attached to making love. Emotions. 

Wanting Davey, wanting this was one thing. Loving him. Making love to him...That was another. Adam cared for Davey; that much he knew. That he could understand. But loving him...Did he love him? Could he love him? He didn't know. 

Davey opened the bedroom door, revealing a cozy little space complete with candles and plants for mood. He walked over to the bed and lay back on the white comforter.

Adam stood in the doorway, eyes wide and uncertain. Davey lay spread out on the bed, hair fanning around him, face flushed. Davey knew what he wanted. Knew he loved him. He understood that. Adam didn't. Fear coursed through him as he bit nervously at his lip. Could he do this? Was he ready for this? 

Davey bit his lip and leaned back up on his arms. Adam was hesitating. He'd pushed too far and now he was going to get his heartbroken again. Was he ever going to learn? 

Wandering slowly into the room, Adam settled himself on the edge of the bed. Part of him wanted to run, to forget he'd done this. That he wanted this. But he was drawn to Davey. Davey wanted this, needed this. He didn't want to hurt him again. He wanted to make Davey happy. 

Davey looked down. "You don’t want me."

Adam swallowed thickly, his eyes closing. "I I do," he whispered.

"I pushed too hard. You don’t have to stay," he whispered, sounding defeated.

Davey had pushed him, Adam knew that. But maybe...Maybe that was what he needed. "I want to...I just...What I'm bad at this, Davey? What If I can't do this? I've hurt so many people. I don't want to do it again." Tears prickled in his eyes.

"You won’t hurt me," he whispered. "You have to take a chance on love and I am taking a huge one with you, I know that." 

Adam nodded softly, still uncertain. "But what if I do?"

"Then it was my mistake." 

"Your mistake?" Adam echoed, dumbly, confusion etched in his eyes.

"If you hurt me. If my loving you gets me hurt, then it was my fault because I forced you and opened myself up to it."

"I don't want to hurt you."

Davey nodded. "I trust you not to."

Hesitantly, Adam placed his hand on Davey's shoulder, his fingers softly stroking the soft flesh he found there. Davey trusted him.

Davey shivered under the soft touch of Adam's hand. God, he wanted him so badly. "Please." 

Adam settled closer to Davey until their bodies were pressed flush together. Shuddering softly from the contact, Adam leaned towards Davey, placing a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth, relishing in the warmth of his skin.

Davey sighed and relaxed, lying flat against the pillow. He slowly reached into Adam's hair, threading his fingers through it.

Whimpering, Adam allowed himself to be eased down, finding himself pressed intimately against Davey's side. Sighing softly, Adam pressed his lips against Davey's, rolling so he lay half on top of the man beneath him. Fear whispered in the back of his mind. Telling him he shouldn't want this. He shouldn't give into this. But the sensations coursing through him would not be ignored. Pressing his lips firmer against Davey's, Adam allowed himself to be lost in the kiss.

Davey pulled Adam completely over him and spread his legs to let him settle between. He wrapped his arms around his neck and smiled into the kiss softly. This felt good. This felt right.

The warmth of Davey's body pressed intimately against his, pulled a soft moan from Adam. Softly, he ground his hips into Davey's, deepening their kiss.

"Oh God," he panted. "Adam." It all sounded like a prayer, a sweet prayer. Davey kissed back just as gently and slid his tongue over Adam's.

Adam hissed and ground further against Davey, whimpering as he felt Davey's cock pressing intimately back against his. He moaned into the kiss, lazily battling with Davey's tongue. He didn't let himself think on this too much, abandoning himself to the pleasure rippling through him.

Davey pulled back from the kiss and turn his head to the side to let Adam get to his neck. It was such a hot spot to him. He needed to feel his mouth there. 

Sensing Davey's urgency and his need, Adam brushed his lips over the soft skin of Davey's neck, before pressing his lips more intimately against him. Davey felt so warm and willing beneath him and Adam couldn't help the firm roll of his hips against Davey's. 

"I need you so much," Davey panted. He'd never felt like this and the sensations were overwhelming.

Pulling back slightly, Adam wriggled out of his shirt, tossing it haphazardly across the room. Letting himself sink back down onto Davey's waiting body, he sighed at the feel of Davey's warm skin against his own

Davey whimpered. This felt right. It felt good. God, it felt so good. Davey rolled his hips into Adam, needing more contact.

Adam hissed, his eyes fluttering shut. "Oh fuck."

Davey let his hands slide down over Adam's bare back to his ass, still covered by his jeans. He gave a light squeeze and bucked up softly. He wanted Adam completely.

Moaning, Adam thrust against Davey. The feel of his hands on him was maddening. "Davey," he breathed harshly, burying his face in Davey's neck.

"Inside me," he panted.

Adam pulled back, his eyes slowly wandering over Davey’s flushed body, his own breathing coming in rushed, harsh pants.

Davey looked up at him. This was all he wanted and he wanted it more than anything. Again he rolled his hips up, urging Adam to continue. Moaning, Adam let his eyes slip shut, a shudder running through him. His fingers traced slowly down Davey's sides, settling on his waist, grounding himself. 

"You don’t have to prep me," Davey panted. 

"What?" Adam whispered, confusion lacing his voice. 

"You were inside me little over an hour ago. I'm stretched," Davey whispered, "You don’t need to prep me."

"But won't I hurt you?" Fear laced Adam’s words. He’d hurt this man too many times before, he didn’t want to do so again.

Davey shook his head ‘no’. The last thing he wanted was for Adam to be worried.

Uncertainly, Adam dipped his fingers inside the waist of Davey's sweat pants, easing them slowly down his hips. Davey's skin was warm beneath his touch, sending sparks of pleasure through him. This was real. This, all of this, made everything real. For a moment, Adam could feel the familiar fear creep slowly back into his consciousness. This was real. Premeditated. He was doing this. Initiating it. _Oh God_. 

Davey closed his eyes and relished in the touches that Adam provided. His hands felt so good and he wanted to be this way as much as he wanted to continue breathing. He moaned softly, arching into his touch. 

Adam froze. His body screamed for him to continue. That he wanted this. Needed it. But his mind stayed his hands, fear coursing through him. Squeezing his eyes shut, Adam fought desperately to control his breathing, himself. He didn't know if he could do this. 

Davey opened his eyes, sensing his hesitance. "Adam?"

Adam swallowed thickly, hesitantly opening his eyes. 

Davey locked his brown eyes onto the terrified blue ones of the man above him. "Are you okay?" 

"I don't know," he whispered.

Davey closed his eyes. Adam wanted to stop. He turned his head to the side and held in the tears that so desperately wanted to fall.

He could feel the disappointment and pain radiating off of the man beside him, guilt washing through him. "Davey..."

Davey shook his head. "It’s okay, you can get off me. I don’t want pity sex." 

Slowly, Adam rolled off of Davey, his back connecting to the cool linen of the bed. He was wrong. This was a mistake. He shouldn't have come. He shouldn't have let himself want this. Shouldn't have done any of this. Squeezing his eyes shut, Adam tried desperately to force all thought from his mind, feeling the hot prickle of tears forming in them. 

"Why can’t you want me?" Davey whispered, completely defeated.

Adam didn't know what to say, guilt and self-loathing overtaking him. He was a coward. Nothing but a coward. 

Springing up from the bed, Davey rushed to the bathroom, needing to get away. To breathe. He was on an emotional roller coaster. The bad part was, he kept getting on voluntarily.

Pushing himself up from the bed, Adam slowly made his way to the bathroom. He didn't think about what he was doing. What he was going to say. He was merely acting on instinct. Something was wrong. Davey needed him. He couldn’t let himself think on it.

Davey braced himself over the sink, tears flying down his face in silence. He wanted to just stop loving Adam, wanted the pain to go away. 

Adam watched Davey's sobbing form from the doorway, guilt twisting in his gut. "I'm sorry," he whispered. _I'm sorry for being a coward. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for being so afraid. I'm sorry_.

Davey turned and looked at him, eyes completely broken. "I don’t want to love you."

His words broke Adam's heart. He'd done this to him. Adam knew he should leave. That he shouldn't have come. All he seemed to ever do now was cause pain. But his feet wouldn't let him budge. "I don't deserve your love," he murmured brokenly. 

Davey felt shattered and all he wanted to do was crumble into the floor and disappear. He was visibly trembling and more than anything, he wanted Adam to take him into his arms and hold him. 

Unconsciously, Adam made his way into the small bathroom, locking his arms around Davey. He shouldn't be doing this, he knew that. He was only hurting Davey by doing this. But he needed to do this. To feel him. To calm him. To try to right the wrongs he'd done to the man in his arms. "I'm sorry."

Davey released the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding and fell back into Adam's embrace. "I want you so much," he said with his eyes clenched shut. "Not just sex. Everything."

"Why?" Adam didn't understand. How could Davey want him? How could he want anything with him after all he'd done? 

"My heart chose you."

"What if it chose the wrong person?"

Davey clenched his eyes shut. "I refuse to think that."

"I don't understand, Davey," Adam whispered, his hand unconsciously playing with a lock of Davey's hair, "I don't understand how you can love me." 

Davey turned his head, bringing his mouth inches away from Adam's. "I just do," he told him. 

Adam felt his breath hitch. Davey was so close. Close enough to kiss. His heart raced at the thought despite his fears. Davey's eyes fluttered between Adam's eyes and mouth. Lustfully he licked his lips and leaned in, kissing him.

The kiss was soft. Gentle. Undemanding. Adam allowed himself to relax into it, not pushing for more, just feeling.

Davey turned in his arms, never breaking the kiss. He needed this. He needed more than anything. _Please don’t push me away_. 

Adam adjusted to Davey's movement, his hand moving to rest softly on Davey's naked hip. He made no move to deepen the kiss. He didn't know if he could handle that. But Davey felt amazing against him. Warm. Solid. 

Davey stood on his tip toes to deepen the kiss. He needed it. Gracefully, he brought one leg up and locked it around Adam’s thigh, pushing their bodies closer together.

Whimpering, Adam felt himself become overwhelmed with sensation. The feel of Davey's body pressed so intimately against his was maddening. Breaking the kiss, Adam gulped harshly for air, his head spinning.

Davey looked at him, waiting for him to react. Eyes wide and slightly dazed, Adam allowed his gaze to fall on Davey. Davey swallowed hard and looked down, waiting to be rejected.

With a shuddering breath, Adam leaned down, pressing their lips together once more in a chaste kiss. Pushing all thought from his mind, he forced himself once more to just feel. _Please don't let me ruin this again_.

Davey moaned and fell into the kiss willingly. He kissed back, pushing for deeper one. He needed to taste Adam, feel him as close as he could.

Adam allowed Davey to dominate the kiss, whimpering and parting his lips for him. Moving his hands up, Adam allowed his fingers to trace over his sides, finally settling intimately on the small of his back, teasing the skin he found there lightly.

Davey gasped and arched playfully. "You found a hot spot." 

Startled somewhat, Adam locked his eyes with Davey's, his breathing heavy and uneven.

Davey lightly did the same to the small of Adam's back. Adam sighed, enjoying the feel of Davey hands on him, even if it was through the cloth of his shirt. He pulled Davey in for another soft kiss, his hands remaining on Davey's back. 

Davey rolled his hips into Adam. "Please, baby," he said without thinking. The term of endearment just fell from his lips.

Whimpering once more, Adam lost himself in the feel of Davey's hips rocking against his. Nodding, he claimed Davey's lips once more.

Davey turned and backed towards the bedroom again, kissing Adam along the way. He laid back on the bed, pulling him down on top of him.

Adjusting once more to the feel of Davey beneath him, Adam surrendered himself to the kiss, his hips rocking of their own violation against Davey's. Davey raised his legs and spread them to accommodate Adam. "Need you inside of me," he panted.

Settling between Davey's spread legs, Adam whimpered. He could feel Davey's cock pressing roughly against his jean clad erection. A strangled hiss fell from his lips as he bucked lightly against Davey. 

"Oh God," Davey hissed, tossing his head back. He slid his hands between them to work at Adam's jeans. He needed this. He slid the cloth over his hips, bringing his legs up to push them down the rest of the way with his feet. 

The feel of Davey's legs wrapped around him pulled another strangled moan from his lips. "Oh God," he breathed, mimicking Davey's earlier exclamation. Davey's hot skin, pressed intimately against him, sent a shiver down Adam's spine. 

Davey arched under him, positioning Adam's cock just outside his body. He wanted to feel him again, to know what it felt like to be made love to. Adam moaned, rocking his hips against Davey as he buried his face in the man's neck. "Fuck," he breathed against Davey's ear.

"Please," Davey whispered.

"Don't don't we need...something?" he whimpered between harsh breaths.

"We didn’t earlier," Davey whispered, unable to hide the hurt shining in his eyes.

Confusion swam through Adam's eyes. His brow creased as he understood what Davey had assumed he’d meant. "Not that...I mean...Something so I won't...hurt you."

"It’s in the drawer. Just coat yourself," he whispered. 

Adam was taken back those words, Davey’s tone. Had he done something wrong yet again? Pushing those thoughts and fears down, Adam rolled from between Davey's legs and sat up to open the drawer. Pulling out a small bottle of lube, he slowly poured a fair amount onto his hand, hoping it would be enough. 

Dropping the bottle on the bed beside him, he quickly stroked the slick substance over himself and climbed to settle back between Davey's parted legs. Uncertainty plagued him. What if he wasn't good enough?

Davey arched and once again put Adam just outside of him. "Now," he whispered. 

Steadying himself, Adam slowly slid inside, his eyes slipping closed. He bit at his lower lip, forcing himself to ignore the tiny sparks of doubt echoing in his mind. His breath hitched as he found himself completely sheathed within the man below him.

Davey gasped and his eyes locked on Adam's face. God, he was beautiful. Slowly Davey rolled his hips and pulled his legs up a bit higher. 

"Fuck," Adam hissed. The feel of Davey's smooth thighs around his waist sent chills down Adam's spine. Bracing himself up on his arms, Adam chanced an experimental thrust of his hips, whimpering as shuddering pleasure coursed through him. "Oh God." 

Davey cried out as Adam hit is prostate dead on, arching his body. "God, don’t stop," he panted, looking up at him. 

Figuring he'd done something right, Adam thrust into Davey once again. Needing to hear him moan. Davey scratched his nails down Adam's back and pushed down on him, moaning repeatedly.

Adam hissed, bucking roughly against him. Leaning down, he nudged Davey's head to the side, allowing himself to nip lightly at the man's pulse point. His hips kept their steady rhythm, finding the angle, though slightly different than with a woman, to be just as incredibly intense, if not more so. 

Davey turned his head, clenching his eyes shut. Adam's mouth on his skin was almost better than the sex itself. He slid his hands up Adam's back to his hair, tugging it just enough to be felt.

Hissing, Adam nipped harsher at the skin beneath his lips and teeth. Fighting desperately to keep his pace, Adam let his hands wander down Davey's sides, needing the man beneath him just as desperate and unhinged as he was vastly becoming. 

Davey turned his head and claimed Adam's mouth, his body moving snakelike underneath him. He need more. More control. Needed to drive Adam insane. With a lustful moan, he flipped Adam on to his back and sat up, straddling him.

Bewildered, Adam watched Davey. His hands slowly snaked up Davey's sides to tangle in his hair, pulling him down for a kiss.

Davey kissed back, rolling his hips in a steady rhythm. He wanted to show Adam how good this could be. He whimpered softly into Adam’s mouth with each movement. This was so much better than anything he'd ever felt.

Sliding his hands from Davey's hair, Adam rested them on the man's waist, bucking up into him. His mouth hung open, eyes half lidded, as waves of pleasure ripped through him. Small whimpers and harsh moans fell from his lips.

Davey let Adam hold his hips for a few moments before grabbing his wrists and pinning them at the side of his head on the pillow. He looked down with a smirk and rolled his hips harder. 

Panic flooded through Adam as Davey pinned his hands above his head. He wasn’t ready for this. It was too soon..."Too much," he whimpered, eyes wide and uncertain. 

Davey released him. "Sorry," he panted. "I... I didn’t mean to." His rhythm stopped almost completely.

Adam hissed at the loss of movement. "It it's okay...Just a lit little too much," he breathed, his chest heaving as he slowly gained control over himself now that he was freed. He bucked up against Davey, slightly begging him to move again. The longer he sat there, the less certain Adam became. Had he fucked up again?

Davey moaned and ran his hand through his hair. "Move me," he requested, putting Adam's hands back on his hips

Resting his hands on Davey's waist once more, Adam uncertainly rocked the man on top of him, whimpering. 

Wanting him to feel more confident, he decided to move them both to the point where Adam just didn’t care. He raised himself up, almost coming completely off of Adam, and slammed back down, clenching around him. 

A throaty moan tumbled from Adam's lips. "Fuck!" he hissed, his fingers digging roughly into Davey's hips. Pleasure ripped through him once again. He wasn't going to last much longer, not if Davey kept this up.

Davey smirked and continued to ride him. "Look at me, baby."

Forcing his blurry eyes open, Adam settled on Davey's face. Mumbled curses fell from his lips as Davey rocked faster and faster against him. Davey locked his eyes on Adam, panting hard. Whimpering, Adam bucked up, struggling to keep his eyes open. He was so close. 

"Come for me," he whispered, holding off on his own until Adam did. 

Slamming his eyes shut, Adam moaned Davey's name feeling himself pulse helplessly inside of him. He could barely hear over the rush of blood through his ears. His heart pounded erratically in his chest. 

"Oh God!" Davey screamed. He tossed his head back and started to come, pulsing over Adam. His mouth was half open and eyes squeezed shut. "Fuck, Adam." 

Reaching blindly up, Adam pulled Davey's body roughly against his. He buried his face in Davey's neck, his breath coming in shuddering pants. 

Dozens of emotions flickered through him, overwhelming him. Fear. Contentment. Uncertainty. Happiness. Love. _Love?_ Soft sobs fell from Adam's lips, against Davey's heated skin. Adam didn't know what to think, how to feel. He was a bundle of nerves and emotion.

Davey rested his head against Adam's neck, his body tense. Was he going to get shoved away again?

Breathing harshly, Adam pulled back, his fingers threading through Davey's soft hair. He could sense Davey's tension. Davey clung to him. "Please don’t leave me," he whimpered.

Adam nodded, pulling Davey tighter against him. "I won't," he whispered, praying silently for strength, "I won't."

Davey trembled in his arms, fighting back tears. "I love you."

Wrapping his arms tighter around Davey, Adam held him, rubbing his back soothingly. Softly, he kissed the side of Davey's head. Davey loved him. Part of him wanted to echo those words back, but it was too soon. He cared for Davey...Could possibly even loved him. But it was too soon. 

Davey slowly began to slowly relax and closed his eyes against him. Being in Adam's arms felt better than he thought it would. Better than he’d let himself imagine it would. Taking a deep breath he closed his eyes, starting to drift to sleep. Adam too felt his eyes drooping shut as he was lulled to sleep by the beating of Davey's heart.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

Aubrey sat on the couch staring dumbly at the wall. Adam had been gone for hours. She wasn’t sure if he'd gone to Davey or just gone to drive around, but he wasn’t back yet and that bothered her. Had she made a mistake in letting him go? Did he go to Davey's and realize that a man was what he wanted and not her? Those thoughts terrified her. Could he really choose Davey? What about them, their family? She shook those thoughts away. It wasn’t in her hands anymore. All she could do was sit and wait.

With shaking hands, Adam pulled the car into the driveway of his house. The home he'd shared with Aubrey for nearly three years. Guilt churned through him. He'd betrayed her yet again. Broken her heart. He hated himself for that. For hurting her. She was the one person who didn't deserve it. 

Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Adam turned off the ignition, unbuckled his seatbelt and slowly, hesitantly, opened the car door. Could he really do this to her? Was this tentative relationship he was building with Davey worth losing the woman he'd been in love with for nearly thirteen years?

Aubrey heard the car pull up and barely resisted the urge to go to the door. She wasn’t ready to know yet and the minute she looked at him she was going to become aware of what had happened. What lay in store for her future. Their child’s future. And she wasn’t sure she was ready to know. With her hands on her lap, she sat and waited.

In all the years they'd lived here, Adam had never been so afraid to walk up to that door. He knew Aubrey was inside, waiting for him. Had been for longer than he cared to think on. The moment he opened that door, she would know. She'd see it. She knew him well enough to know. To read him. 

Sighing, he raised his hand, leaving it hovering over the door handle. Shaking, he pulled it quickly back. He wanted to run, wanted to hide. He wanted to disappear. Hurting her was the last thing he ever wanted to do. And he'd done it. Several times. God, he couldn't do this. He couldn't face her.

_Dammit, Carson_ , he mentally berated himself, _you have to do this. You can’t lie to her. Not anymore. You promised her you wouldn’t and you’ve already betrayed her trust enough_. Steeling himself once more, Adam slowly turned the handle, pushing the door open. This was it. There was no turning back now.

Aubrey turned to the door, locking her eyes on his as it slowly opened. She caught the glimpse of fear swimming in them and knew immediately. Her heart sank.

"Aubrey," he whispered, seeing the pain and disbelief swirling in her eyes. Oh God, what had he done?

She looked down. "You were with him," she stated plainly, her voice even though Adam could pick up the barest hint of hurt lacing them.

He nodded silently. "I'm sorry."

She turned on the couch and stared blankly at the wall. What could she say? That she forgave him and was happy he'd found someone? That was bullshit. She was hurt. She was angry. How could he do this? Why wasn’t she enough? What had she done wrong?

Adam stood in the doorway, afraid to enter the room. Afraid to do anything more to upset her. To hurt her. He’d caused enough pain and he’d be damned if he caused her anymore. "I didn't mean for this to happen. I love you, Bree. I love you so much..."

"But you love him too, don’t you?"

"I think so," Adam started. He didn’t know anything for certain. There was still so much left unsaid, untouched "...I could...I don't know. I didn't plan on this."

"Come in," she said calmly, her body language betraying her uncertainty and pain. "We have to talk."

He cautiously entered the room, his eyes falling from hers to the floor. "I never wanted to hurt you."

She nodded in acknowledgment. She knew he didn’t mean it but that didn’t make knowing hurt any less. Swallowing she closed her eyes for a moment before raising them to him once again. "I want you to answer my questions honestly. I need you to do this. To not be afraid of how I’ll react. Can you do this for me, Adam? For us?"

Adam’s eyes darted up to hers, uncertainty shining in them. He wasn’t sure he could do this. That he could tell her the things he feared she’d ask him.

"Did you sleep with him?"

Closing his eyes, Adam nodded, offering a weak, "Yes."

She took a deep breath, knowing the answer from the moment he’d walked through the door. The glow on his face when he walked in. Even though he was terrified, he still had that look in his eyes that she'd seen so many times. That had been only hers. "More than once?"

Again, he nodded.

"How many times?"

"Twice," he murmured, his hands trembling at his sides. He couldn't look her in the eyes. Not now. Not after she knew.

She swallowed hard and looked up at him. Something was different. Something was even more off than when he first told her. There was more guilt. "What changed from the first time to this time?"

"What?" he choked out, missing her question completely.

"You are acting even more guilty than you did before. What did you two do different? What happened?"

"I...He didn't...It was me...I just...I'm so sorry." Adam fumbled over his words. He'd taken Davey. It had been his call. HIS choice. He had wanted it. Initiated it. His choice. 

"Stop," she whispered, raising her hand, "Go back. Without stuttering."

Adam took a deep breath, his hands still shaking, "I...I started it. I...took...I took him." He'd said it. She knew. He couldn't take it back now. He'd changed everything. He'd lost her.

Aubrey closed her eyes. "Fucking?"

"The first time," he whispered.

"You made love to him," she said, pain filling her eyes. It wasn’t a question. It was a realization.

Silently, Adam nodded. He'd made love to Davey. He'd WANTED to make love to Davey. It hadn’t only been about sex. About lust. He cared for him. And that thought terrified Adam.

Aubrey looked at him. "Did it feel better with him?"

"Different," he whispered, shaking his head.

She looked down and held her stomach protectively. "Adam, when you think of not having him around, what happens?" 

Adam’s eyes slipped closed, tears he’d been fighting off slowly trailing down his cheeks, "It hurts."

She looked at him, seeing the tears trailing down his face and she knew. Whether he wanted to admit it or not, he'd fallen in love with Davey. There was something about him that had made Adam forget all he'd known and to Aubrey that spoke volumes. "If... if I told you that you could still see your child, would that help?"

Sobs shook Adam's trembling form. Fear, relief and guilt flooded through him all at once. Aubrey shouldn't have to do this. Shouldn't have to suffer because of him. Because of what he wanted. It didn't seem fair that he was given this chance and Aubrey was left alone. "You shouldn't have to do this. You shouldn't have to make that kind of a decision. God, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm a horrible person. I hurt you. I ruined everything. I'm so sorry."

"Stop." Her voice was stern. "I don’t want apologies. That isn’t going to fix anything." She took a deep breath. "We are both adults and we are having a child together. In my eyes being with a man is a sin, you know that." She turned her attention to him completely. "However, you’ve fallen in love with him. This is something we are going to have to deal with. I have no right to keep you from this baby. Its half yours," she paused. "But I do have the right to forbid Davey from being around this child."

Adam nodded, knowing how hurt she was. How angry. He'd betrayed her. Lied to her. Gone against everything she believed. She should have hated him. He deserved that. "I understand."

"You’ve told him that you wanted to be with him, haven’t you?" she asked, her voice softening. As much as this hurt her, she still loved him and wanted him to be happy. She had just thought that it would be with her.

"Yes," he whispered.

She hung her head, for the first time all of it sinking in. She'd lost him. Lost all they’d built. Tears stung in her eyes. "He makes you happy?" She whispered.

Adam nodded. "It scares me. All of this scares me."

"Because you do love him."

"I wish I didn't. It would be easier if I didn't." He hated himself for muttering those words. He was breaking one heart. How could he even think of breaking another? What kind of bastard was he?

"But you do." She told him. "I want to hear you say it." 

Confusion spread across his face, "I...I don't understand."

"If you are leaving me for him, I want to hear you say you love him." She needed this. Needed to know that he wasn’t just lust and temptation that had wretched Adam from her life. 

The sharpness of her words stung, but he couldn't blame her. Couldn't deny her anger or her pain. "I...I love him."

"He has no idea that you do, does he? If you could barely say it to me, you haven’t said it to him." She turned her attention down to her hands. She didn’t want to look up anymore. She didn’t want to look at him.

"I'm scared, Aubrey. Th this changes everything. This changes me. I don't know what I'm doing and I'm scared to death." She didn't need to hear this. Didn't need to know. But she had been his best friend for as long as he could remember. He trusted her. Needed her. He loved her.

She looked up at him, her hardened expression softening. He was hurting. She wasn’t blind to that. He needed her. Slowly she got up and walked over to him. 

"I don't want to fuck this up anymore. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt anyone. If if you don't want me to do this...If you don't want me to be with him, I'll leave. I'll just go. I'd rather die than hurt you. I just want to make this right." The words tumbled from his lips in a rush. He just wanted to fix this. To stop the hurt he’d caused. 

Aubrey silently wrapped her arms around him. She was hurt and angry but she still loved him. Despite everything, she wanted him happy. She was a Christian woman and she never held grudges. She didn’t hate. "I want you to be where you feel you need to be."

"I don't deserve this. Why are you doing this?" Adam choked out between his tears.

"Because I love you and I want you happy," she whispered. "I love you enough to let you go."

Adam leaned back into her warmth, his body still shaking. "I know it doesn't mean much and I know it doesn't fix this, but I'm so sorry Bree. I never wanted this to happen. I never wanted to become this. To hurt you."

She buried her head in his neck, inhaling him. "I know you didn’t. You've never once hurt me deliberately." Her hold was tight and she knew she was going to eventually have to let him go, but right now this felt nice. Holding him like this felt nice. "I made you happy, right?"

"You're my world," he told her honestly.

She pulled back and looked up at him, locking their eyes. She could feel the tears stinging her own, but she couldn’t bring herself to look away.

"You will always matter to me, Bree. I'll always love you." He wanted her to know this. To understand. She was everything to him and leaving her was killing him. Hurting her killed him. 

Aubrey nodded. There was no doubt that he'd loved her. She leaned towards him, hoping he would understand. She needed this. Needed to feel him like this if only for one last time.

Closing his eyes, Adam let his lips press softly against hers. This was their last kiss. A kiss goodbye. The thought sent a flash of pain through his heart.

Tears fell from her eyes as she kissed him. He was so warm and she had wanted to spend her life with him. Holding him. However she knew she wouldn’t and it was unfair to her, him and their baby to hold him to a life he would be miserable in. "I love you," she whispered as she pulled away.

"I love you too," he whispered back, knowing that if she'd asked, he would give up everything for her.

"You will be staying with him, I presume. Or am I moving out?" 

"The house, anything you want, is yours. How could you think I would make you leave?" he asked her in disbelief. This was her home, he could never rob her of that. Never.

She shrugged. "I just assumed that because you were the one paying for it I would have to leave." She hated this uncertainty. But there was nothing either of them could do about it. Things were never going to be the same and adjusting to that would take time. 

Adam shook his head, "This house is as much yours as it is mine. You shouldn't have to leave it because of me."

She nodded. "Are you going to be staying with him then?"

"I don't know...We hadn't really discussed that. Maybe. That or I'll get a small apartment somewhere...I'll figure something out." His voice was calmer now, his trembling ceased.

"Please let me know where you go. I want you to be a part of this baby's life and that includes everything." 

Adam nodded. "I promise." He didn't want to lose this child. It was a part of them. Something they'd made out of love. He couldn't lose that.

"Take care of yourself, Adam." 

"Promise me you will too. And call me if you need something. Anything. I'll be there in a heartbeat."

She nodded. "I promise."

"Thank you," he murmured, kissing her forehead softly. 

"For what?" she asked softly.

"For everything. For being the woman I feel in love with. For loving me. For not hating me for all I've done, even though I know in my heart you should. Just thank you."

"I could never hate you. As much as I want to, I just can’t. I don’t even hate Davey. He's beautiful. Anyone would have been tempted." 

"I'm so sorry." 

"Stop. I don’t want you to apologize. If you love him, you shouldn’t have to." 

"I'm not apologizing for that...I just. I'm sorry for hurting you. If I could take away the pain I've caused you, I would."

"I know you would," she said, leaning up to kiss him one last time. "I forgive you, Adam."

"Thank you," he whispered again, pressing his lips to hers. He was grateful to have her forgiveness, her love. He needed that. 

She pulled back and smiled softly, with tears in her eyes. "Now, go before I change my mind and tie you up in the basement." She was trying her best to be a good person about this, to not hurt him any worse than he already was. God, knows he deserved to be hurt for what he'd done, but she just couldn’t do that to him. She couldn’t be that malicious. 

Adam nodded, pulling back from her embrace. He knew the sacrifice she was making. Knew that behind her joking words and cheerful tone, she was breaking apart inside. "I love you," he told her once again, before turning and heading for the door. Taking a deep breath he walked from the house, pulling the door closed behind him.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

Adam had driven around the same four blocks for over two hours, trying desperately to pull himself together. To come to grips with all that had just happened. Aubrey knew. He'd broken her heart and she let him go. 

It didn't seem fair to him. He could have Davey if he wanted, all he had to do was say the word. But Aubrey, she had no one. She was carrying his child and she was alone. It just didn't seem fair. 

The quick glance he took at the clock on his radio told him just how late it had gotten. He’d left Davey with no promise of when he’d come back. He hadn’t been sure. Didn’t know if he would be able to face Aubrey. Adam swallowed thickly. Davey was waiting for him. Had been for hours.

Davey hadn’t moved from the couch since Adam had left. He laid down and just watched the clock. Hours had passed since Adam had left and Davey started to wonder if he was ever coming back. Trying his best to squelch any bit of doubt he held within him, he just shut his eyes, leaving the front door unlocked for Adam. He just wanted to sleep. Time passed quicker that way and maybe...Adam would be there when he woke.

The light was out in the living room Adam noted as he pulled slowly into Davey's driveway. Turning the car off, he found himself sitting, staring at the darkened front door. He'd given up everything he'd known for this man. He loved him, and that thought alone still frightened him. He loved Davey. A man. He'd gone against everything he'd ever been thought. A part of him feared he really could not do this. Feared he couldn't let himself be with Davey. 

He sat, staring at the darkened house for what seemed like hours. He knew he should move. Walk up to that door and just try. He knew he couldn't keep running the rest of his life. But he was scared. Adam had hurt enough people already, what if he tried this and he couldn't do it? What if he couldn't be with Davey? He didn't want to be responsible for another broken heart. _You're already breaking his heart, Carson, and you know it_. Shutting his eyes, Adam swallowed thickly and reached for the handle of his door. He had to do this. 

Bracing himself, Adam made the slow trek towards Davey's door. Hesitantly, he raised his fist, knocking softly. A few minutes passed and no answer. Davey's car was in the driveway. He had to be home, didn't he? Again, Adam knocked and again, no answer. Maybe he wasn't meant to do this. Maybe he'd made a mistake in coming back. In admitting his feelings.

Davey laid on the couch, hair fanned out on the pillow with his hand tucked underneath it. Despite the worry in his head, he was sleeping peacefully. He stirred a bit unconsciously in his slumber from the knocks but didn’t wake.

Adam stared blankly at the door, unsure what to do. He couldn't go back to Aubrey, after all he'd done...All he hadn't done, she wouldn't let him through that door. She would tell him to face his fears. To stop running. Even though it broke her heart, she would refuse to let him give up. Absently, he rested his hand on the cool metal of the door knob. He jumped slightly when he noted that it moved beneath his hand. It wasn't locked. 

Slowly, he turned the knob, pushing the wooden door open enough to make his way inside. The silence of the house overwhelmed him. "Davey," he called out hesitantly. Turning, his eyes feel upon Davey's sleeping form. He lay curled up on the couch, hair fanned out around him, face relaxed and calm. He was beautiful like this, Adam mused absently. 

Davey nuzzled against the pillow, somewhat hearing Adam but not enough to pull him out of his sleep. He brought his other hand up and tucked it under him a bit and then settling back into a rested position.

Slowly, Adam made his way into the room. Unsure what to do. Should he wake Davey or simply let him sleep? Davey stirred slightly, his hair falling obscurely over his face. Kneeling down before him, Adam slowly brushed the offending strands from Davey's face, pausing to allow his fingertips to graze over his jaw line, unable to help himself. 

A soft whimper fell from his lips, the heat of Adam's touch slowly starting to pull him out of his sleep. He leaned into his hand and his eyes started to flutter open. 

Pulling his hand slowly from Davey's face, Adam offered a small smile, "Hey."

Davey smiled back and touched his hand. "Hi," he whispered back. 

"I didn't mean to wake you."

Davey slowly sat up, resting on one arm. "I'm glad you did. I've been waiting for you." 

Adam lowered his head slightly, "I didn't mean to make you wait so long."

Davey looked up at him, locking eyes for a brief second. "You're worth it," he whispered.

"No," Adam countered, softly shaking his head, "I'm not."

Davey leaned over and placed his hand on Adam's face, rubbing his thumb over his cheek. "To me, you're worth it, Adam." 

Adam closed his eyes, unconsciously leaning into the touch. 

Slowly Davey leaned forward and grazed his mouth over Adam's. "I didn’t think you were coming back." 

Sighing, he leaned into the soft kiss, trying his best to push everything else from his mind. The words stung, more than they should have. Adam mentally shook the thoughts away. He had no right to be upset by that, after all he'd given Davey reason to doubt him. Reason to not trust him. 

Davey pulled back, sensing something had bothered him. "What's wrong? Do you not want me to?"

Adam paused, sensing Davey's hesitancy. His uncertainty. He shook his head, "It's not you," he managed to murmur as he turned away, trying to calm himself.

"Then what?" 

Sitting back on his feet, Adam ran his fingers through his hair. "I don't know. I just..."

"What is it?" Davey feared the worst. Adam was having second thoughts. He'd gone back to Aubrey, realized what he and Davey did was just for pleasure, just a phase, and now he was here to tell him goodbye.

He could hear the undercurrent of fear in Davey's voice. "I've done nothing but hurt you, use you...How can...How can you say that I'm worth this? Worth anything?"

"Are you planning on hurting me again?" 

Adam shook his head. He didn't want to hurt this man...."But what if I do? What if we try this and I can't do it?"

"Why wouldn’t you? If you are open to it and you care about me even a little, we can make this work."

"I'm scared." Adam whispered, hating himself for being so weak. For being so afraid of what might be. What could be.

"Of what?" Davey sat up completely, placing his legs on either side of Adam.

"Of wanting this," he answered honestly, "Of wanting you. This is...I don't know what I'm doing. I'm scared to death that I'm going to fuck everything up."

Davey took Adam's face into his hands and pulled him in close. "You won’t. Just go with your instincts," Davey told him, his voice soft

Tears slowly streamed down Adam's face. He leaned softly into the warmth of Davey's hands. "I hate not knowing. I just...I don't know."

Davey leaned in and licked the tear from his left cheek. The salty taste was enough to send a shiver through him. He wanted every inch of this man, anything he would give him. "Trust in what you feel for me," he whispered. 

"How can you be so certain? How can you be so sure that everything will be okay?"

Davey smiled softly. "Despite you trying to fight it, I see what I need to in your eyes when you look at me."

Confusion clouded Adam's face, "I...I don't understand."

"That you love me," Davey whispered, hoping he wasn’t reading him wrong. "It’s in your eyes when you look at me."

Adam's eyes widened slightly. He knew. He could see it. "It's scares me...I just...I never thought that I would...And now that I...What if it's not enough?"

"How can love not be enough?" Davey slid off the couch and onto Adam's lap as he crouched by it.

The feel of Davey's warm body against his calmed him slightly. "It wasn't enough for Aubrey and I." He regretted those words the moment they fell from his lips. Why did he say that? Why did he have to open his big mouth? _Stupid, Carson. So fucking stupid_.

Davey looked down and closed his eyes. He was always going to be compared to her. To what she shared with Adam. He fought the tears stinging his eyes as he moved to rise from Adam's lap. "I'm not her," he whispered. 

"I know," Adam mumbled, hating himself all the more.

Davey walked towards the kitchen, needing water. Needing something to busy his hands, his mind. He also needed a moment to clear the tears.

Adam felt Davey pull away. Physically, emotionally. Mentally, he kicked himself, uncertain if he should follow. "I'm sorry," he murmured. 

"Don’t be. I’m always going to pale in comparison to her. She's one hell of a woman," he pointed out, his voice a little cold.

Adam shook his head. "I'll always love Aubrey, I won't lie about that. I've been in love with her for as long as I can remember. I can't just shut that off, Davey…I don't compare her to you. That's not fair to you or to her. You are an amazing person, Davey. And I...I love you."

Davey stopped and turned, his breath hitching. His eyes locked on Adam's as if he were a stranger. Knowing it was one thing. Hearing it was something else altogether. Slowly he walked over to Adam. "Again." He whispered, needing it. 

Davey's reaction unnerved Adam slightly. Swallowing thickly, he whispered once again "I love you."

Tears welled in his eyes, unable to control them, and he through his arms around Adam's neck. "Oh God. I love you too," he whispered. "I love you so much." 

Adam stumbled back in surprise, finding himself on his back with Davey laying haphazardly atop him. He sighed at the warmth, closing his eyes to just feel. Needing to shut off his mind for a few moments. 

Davey turned into his neck, kissing it and nuzzling after every few. Slowly he slid his hand up Adam's chest and held it over his heart. Whimpering, Adam leaned up into Davey's touch, his breath hitching as Davey's hand came to rest on his chest, over his heart. 

Subtly he rolled his hips as he moved up to kiss Adam’s mouth. "Stay with me," he murmured over his lips.

Adam moaned, rolling his hips in time with Davey's, as he sank slowly into the kiss. "Where else would I go?"

"I didn’t know if you wanted to be here," he said honestly.

"I wouldn't have come back if I didn't want to be here," he countered, allowing his hands to rest softly on Davey's back.

Davey leaned into him more, pressing his mouth over Adam's in a more forceful kiss. Just being near him made Davey crazy. "I love your hands on me." 

Adam sighed into the kiss, simply enjoying Davey's warmth. "I like this," he murmured.

Davey slid his hand down Adam's side and hooked it under his leg. "So do I," he whispered, biting his mouth.

Whimpering, Adam pressed firmer against Davey's body, his head tilting to the side, offering the man his neck. He could so easily lose himself in the sensations running rampant through him. "Davey," he murmured. 

Davey rolled his hips a bit more. "Yea, Adam?" He whispered back.

Another soft moan tore itself from Adam’s throat.

Davey slid his hand up, rubbing over his chest, his neck, and then moved it back down to lace their fingers. Loosely he pinned the one arm to the side of the couch and continued kissing him, running his tongue over his lips. 

"Oh God," Adam hissed, softly bucking up against Davey. Small ripples of pleasure coursed through him. 

Davey smiled over his mouth.

"You're too good to me," Adam whispered, running his fingers through Davey's hair then down the soft skin of his neck.

Davey shivered and moaned softly. "No... I just love you." 

"I don't deserve you, you know."

Davey leaned down and bit his neck, over his pulse. "Yes you do."

It was Adam's turn to shiver now. "I love you," he breathed. Here, alone with Davey, he found it easier to utter the three words that his heart had been fighting for longer than he cared to think on. 

Davey pulled back enough to look into his eyes. His breathing was ragged as he licked his lips. "This is what you want, right?"

Adam swallowed and closed his eyes trying to ground himself. "This isn't what I imagined myself wanting, but yes...This is what I want." Doubt still echoed in his mind. His fear still gnawed in his stomach, but he wanted Davey. He loved him. This had to work. He needed this to work. 

Davey slid his hand under Adam's shirt, his fingers roaming over his skin. He knew Adam was terrified and he knew that he was causing him to throw away everything he was taught, but he needed him.

Tossing his head back, Adam let out a soft moan, as Davey's fingers burned his skin. Reaching out, Adam threaded his fingers through Davey's hair, pulling him down for a soft kiss. He wanted him. Needed to feel Davey against him. Needed the man's warmth to ground him. To solidify that he had made the right choice. That this was what he wanted. What he needed. Just holding him there.

Davey bit his neck and slid his hands into Adam's hair. He needed him so much, but this was Adam's choice. What they did tonight, their first night officially together was up to him.

As wonderful as Davey felt against him and as wonderful as he knew the man could feel beneath him, Adam knew that they could not take this farther. At least not this night. Regretfully, he pulled back, placing a soft kiss on Davey's lips. 

Davey looked at him, confused. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Adam reassured, raising his eyes to Davey. "I just...Can we just take this slow tonight?" 

Davey nodded, his face flushed. "Do you want me to move?"

Adam shook his head, "No....Unless you want to move..." he trailed off uncertainly. He wanted to hold Davey, to be near him. He didn't want this relationship to be based strictly on sex. He wanted more. He needed more.

Davey grinned and settled a bit between his legs, laying his head on Adam's chest. He could hear his heartbeat and playfully tapped it out on his arm. 

Feeling Davey relax in turn helped to relax Adam. He chuckled as Davey tapped against his arm, resting his chin against Davey's head. "This is nice," he whispered, more to himself than to anyone. 

Davey smiled. "I've never had this," he admitted.

'I have,' Adam nearly blurted out, but he held his tongue. Davey was still uncertain and bringing up what he used to have with Aubrey wouldn't help any of them. A small twinge of guilt swept through his heart. "It's wonderful," he opted for instead. And it was. It felt nice laying here with Davey, holding him. Being held. 

Davey snuggled in into and clutched his shirt a bit for security. Softly, he started to hum and closed his eyes. "It feels good to be wanted."

"It does," Adam echoed knowingly.

Davey scooted up a bit to put his head in the crook of Adam's neck. "Please don’t regret me," he whispered, barely audible.

"I don't regret you," Adam began, feeling Davey's insecurity acutely. So much like his own. "I regret the timing and hurting Aubrey, but I don't regret you."

Davey nodded and held him tighter. "I promise to be good to you." He was terrified that Adam would wake up and say it was all a mistake and run home. Davey wanted him to know that he was going to be loved unconditionally here. Wanted him to know he would always have a home if he wanted it.

"I know you will and I honestly don't deserve it. But I'm grateful and I'm lucky."

Davey leaned up and looked at him. "I want you comfortable with me. Your baby is welcome here as is Aubrey."

Adam tensed slightly, Aubrey's earlier words coming back to him. "About that..."

Davey sat up, sensing this was bad. Adam’s entire demeanor had changed.

"Aubrey..." Adam started, staring down at his hands, "Aubrey understands about this...About us. She she doesn't approve and I know she's hurt....But she does want me in our baby's life...She just...She doesn't want you involved...I just..I..."

Davey looked at him for a minute and then looked at the wall ahead of him. "Oh... well, then I guess I just... I'll be a secret then."

"Davey I...I just...I wish you could be in this with me...with us. She just...I can't lose my baby...Maybe...Maybe in time she'll change her mind. She'll come around...I just...I'm sorry," Adam whispered, feeling the traitorous tears stinging the back of his eyes. He'd hurt Davey. He always seemed to hurt him. 

Davey shrugged. "Don’t be. I understand," he whispered, turning to look at him. "I'm sorry I fucked things up for you." The apology wasn’t one of spite, it was genuine. Davey had made a mess of Adam's life.

"It isn't your fault...I know you're upset and I wish I could help...I just, she wants me in my child's life...And I just...I want that. I want to be a father. I always have."

"I understand, Adam." He did, but it didn’t mean it hurt less.

"She doesn't hate you, Davey."

"Yea, she does," Davey scoffed, "How could she not?"

Adam shook his head. "She doesn't. I know her and I know she doesn't. She's angry, hurt and very, very confused, but she doesn't hate you."

"How are we gonna do this? You don’t get to spend nights with your child because you are with me. That's not fair." 

Locking eyes with Davey, Adam shrugged. "I don't know. But we'll figure it out. Somehow, we'll figure it out."

Davey put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. This was so fucked up, the whole thing. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

Adam cautiously placed his hand on Davey's back. "We'll make this work. It's not going to be easy...And I can't guarantee that I won't freak on you. That I won't want to pull away. But we can do this. We have to do this."

Davey looked at him fearfully. He wasn’t sure if he could handle Adam pulling away. "What can I do to make you want to stay with me?" 

"Be patient with me...This is...This is new for me. Everything is. I just need to wrap my head around it. I need to get used to it. But I'm right here. I wouldn't be if I didn't want this."

Davey nodded. "We don’t have to be a couple yet. There is a spare bed. You don’t have to sleep in the same room with me or anything. If this is too fast for you..." He was rambling, panicked.

"I'm certainly not ready to broadcast this to the world...I'm not even sure if I fully get it, but I want this...It scares me half to death but I want it."’

No matter how hard he tried, Davey couldn’t seem to get it around Adam’s head that this wasn’t about him. It was about Adam's fear. However, his insecurity aided in his belief that Adam was ashamed of him. All he could do was nod.

Something wasn't right, that much Adam could tell. He frowned slightly, fearing that he had said or done something wrong. "Davey...What is it? What did I do? Talk to me...Please."

"You're ashamed of me."

Confusion etched across Adam's face. "What? No..."

"Yes you are."

Adam violently shook his head. He was scared, yes. He'd taken his life and completely turned it upside down. He'd changed everything he'd never known about himself. But he wasn't ashamed of Davey. If anything he was ashamed of himself. Ashamed for not handling this better. For hurting the people he loved. For being so afraid.

Davey looked at him, eyes searching his face.

"I'm not ashamed of you. I just...I lived my entire life knowing one thing. Being one thing. And now...Now my life has been turned upside down and I'm still struggling to grasp which end is up. I love you and I want to make this work...I just need time to understand this. It's not you. Please understand that it's not you." 

Davey looked at him and hung his head, ashamed at his own insecurity. "I'm sorry. I'm terrified, Adam. I've never been in love and I never thought I would be."

"Don't apologize. You have no reason to...I know I haven't given you reason to trust me fully, and I can't blame anyone but myself for that." 

Davey leaned over and placed his head on Adam's chest again. "We work together to make this happen?" 

Adam nodded, "That's all that we can do. If we want to make this work, we have to try. And I want this to work. I need this to work."

Davey turned his head up. "Why do you need it?"

Looking down, Adam ran his fingers through his hair. "I've completely turned my life around for this. Because I wanted you...I needed you. I just...I don't want this to be in vain." He hoped to God Davey understood what he meant. He wanted this to work, needed it to because this was all he had. This was what he'd given everything up for. He needed to know that he hadn't chosen unwisely.

Davey laid his head back down and closed his eyes. "Are you in love with me, Adam?" 

Adam nodded, "Yes." He loved him...He was in love with him. He was scared out of his mind, but he loved him. 

Davey placed a kiss over his cloth covered chest; his heart. They were going to make this work. If he had to go to his mothers and spend the night while Adam spent time with his child, he would. It didn’t matter what it took, as long as they were together. Davey took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Adam was in love with him, and that was all that mattered.


End file.
